Hearts On Chains.

This blog entry has literally been forming in my head for months. It started one morning at a worship time when I was struggling to get through it without letting all of my tears out, again. I looked next to me and saw another woman who had my emotions on her face. The tears were at the surface and I knew, even though I didn't know her full story, that we were both in a similar place. I read the grief on her face. The picture that came to my mind was people walking around pulling their heavy hearts on chains. Trying to get through the normal, day to day life, and trying to keep up with everyone around me. This feeling of a heavy weight that I am pulling behind me that keeps me from getting through the day without some difficulty. Not all days are this way. Anyone who is around me often knows I laugh, enjoy jokes, and fun, and usually my days are like any other mom.
But some days it's heavier than others. Some weeks it's heavier than others. This week it's heavy. It's taking a lot of effort to pull my heart through.
This week was a memorial concert for my brother. Beautiful, a labor of love from his friends. Music he had composed and music inspired by him. The emotions are raw and real, some are so good but some are just so hard and I'm tired. May 4th is his birthday. It was coming and it has been creeping up on me. Like it always does, because it's in the beginning of the month, and I can't think of how many times May would come around  and I'd realize I only had a couple days to think of a present!
One night that was really hard, in the beginning, I asked God how I should grieve. I didn't know what to do, or how to let the emotions come out that needed to come out. He said, sing.
Immediately I thought back to when I was about 16 and everything is dramatic and hormonal and I used to just sit and play songs on the guitar, or listen to music and cry, and pray, and sing, and cry and pray some more. It was a safe way to let it out.
But I was trapped. We lived in a studio apartment and I didn't want to do it when my kids were awake but if I waited until they were asleep then it was such a small space, it would wake them up. I could go outside but if they woke up I couldn't hear them. I would go out for just short times.
Moving to a bigger place was a gift in so many ways. I'm not great at playing the guitar, or singing. But music is a release for me. As I let the emotion out, and give it back to God, the weight gets lighter. The ache isn't as intense, and I feel like I can rest. I had to figure out a way to get it out otherwise my family gets a ticking time bomb. The pressure comes out in ways that I am ashamed to admit. It's not their fault, and they don't deserve to have someone with such a short fuse.
There have been times where I make myself so busy that I end up putting God on the back burner, and even in those moments, I know He still is holding me. Keeping the pieces together.

This passage spoke to me tonight:

Psalm 42 5-8
'Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again- my Savior and my God!
Now I am deeply discouraged, but I will remember you - even from distant Mount Hermon, the source of the Jordan, from the land of Mount Mizar, I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me. 
But EACH DAY the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life.'

Then:

Psalm 43 3-5
Send out your light and your truth; let them guide me. Let them lead me to your holy mountain, to the place where you live. There I will go to the altar of God, to God - the SOURCE OF ALL MY JOY, I will praise you with my harp, O God, my God!
Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again- my Savior and my God!

(emphasis my own.)

He is my source. He is the lifter of my head. He is my joy, my hope, my salvation. I will trust in Him, and let him carry my heavy heart.

My Sanity Milk

This post... is not very profound. Just a warning. haha!

Every night, unless I am dead beat tired, or sick or something... I sit down and I have a glass of milk. Unless we have (gasp!) run out of milk and I have to drink super cold water. This is not quite as effective but has worked in some cases. It helps keep me sane.  Even when my morning starts earlier than planned, like the other morning at 5:40am, when a giant cockroach crawled down my arm while I was in bed nursing, and I had to chase it around with a flip flop while baby was still attached (Nathaniel came to my rescue), I sit down at night after all is quiet and have a glass of milk.
By myself.
So many people have told me they do their quiet time with Jesus in the morning. It's best to start off your morning with God and everything else flows from there, they say.
But I have tried this and it seems almost physically impossible for me to wake up earlier than I have to (aka before the kids wake up and decide they are starving). Mostly because of this bad habit I have of staying up later than I should. So if I have this bad habit, I might as well put it to good use and do my quiet time at night. Most of my blogging happens at night as well since that is when I have done my quiet time (usually) and actually have something to talk about. Tonight I am doing it backwards and blogging first, quiet time second. Milk is already gone so I may have to pour a little more...
Jesus and I have come to an agreement. Maybe because I am much more enjoyable to hang out with at night since I am not as grumpy. Sometimes you just do what works for you. I love to multitask so often my 'quiet time' actually just mean 'alone time with God' because I also have music playing in my ears.
To be honest I've been slacking. Doing a blog actually helps to keep me accountable. It reminds me to keep searching and looking for inspiration from God.
If anything comes out of this post it would be, to find what's right for you. There is more than just one way to do things. I even have an app that is AWESOME called Echo to help me pray.
I put my list of prayers in it, set random times during the day and it reminds me to pray throughout the day!!! This has been so good for me. I don't enter my password on my Ipod until I have prayed for that thing. Is it dumb that I use an app for this? Maybe. I don't care. It's helpful and this is what I have found to help me. Here is the link: Echo Prayer App
Figure out how to make it work. Is it too hard to memorize scripture? Get scripture songs! Already have too much stuff in your diaper bag to carry a Bible with you to church? Get the Bible on your phone!
Trust me I'm not perfect. Anyone who knows me, knows that. But we should always be striving to improve. Even if it's a tiny step, it's still a step.
Keep walking forward.

One of those family photos that didn't quite work out. Haha.
See? Imperfect. 

"If Only You Could See Them Through My Eyes..."

It is Mother's Day weekend. Hence the onslaught of posts by mothers, to mothers, and about mothers. Why you ask? Because this is an important day. This day brings so many emotions. I run through them all.
Heart Bursting Love.... for my kids, and for my mom.
Guilt... for not being a better mom, or daughter, or granddaughter.
Excitement... thinking ahead to what will come as my kids get older.
Fear... thinking ahead to what will come as my kids get older! Haha. But for real though.
Amazement.... at the little blessings God entrusted to me.
Grief... when I think of the my grandmothers who are both gone, and those who's moms are no longer with them.

All these emotions, I need to process. I always find myself contemplating deeply around Mother's Day. I often find that guilt rides quickly on the heels of the crazy love I feel for my kids and reminds me of ALL my shortcomings as a mother, It starts listing all of my "mom fails". And that could go on forever because after just one week that list is quite lengthy.
I saw a giveaway on instagram and to enter you had to answer the question: What do you want to do on Mother's Day?
So I paused and thought about it. My first thought was, to be alone. No one touching me, asking me questions.... But then I thought, no. That would be nice for like an hour. Maybe two. But what I really want is to go somewhere that the kids love to be. Where they will be happy and I can sit there and watch them be happy and just soak in that Heart bursting love for them and let it refresh my spirit. Because that comes from God. I believe that's how He feels about us. The guilt will have to stay silent,because if I tell him to, the Devil has to FLEE from me in Jesus' name.
My conscience, that still small voice that comes from the Holy Spirit is a good thing. It helps me to see my faults, but in a gentle and loving way that brings correction.
Guilt, beats you over the head with a hammer relentlessly until you feel like nothing about you is good enough. That my friends, is not healthy, and is not from God. Please know the difference. I am speaking this to myself as well.
I was praying this morning. Because I needed to, since the the Holy Spirit had to get a little less gentle with me today until I listened. I asked God, "Why do I get SO frustrated with my kids so easily?!"
"If only you could see them through My eyes..."
Ahhh, I saw those words scroll through my brain. Yes. I allow my tiredness, my headache, my dirty house, my SELF, to fog the lenses through which I see my children. Oh that cleared my vision so quickly.
Kaleigh - Eager to please, serving, smart, beautiful, strong moral compass, creative, perseverent,  expressive, sensetive, made for something great....
Gideon - Strong, perfectionist, goofy, loving, adventurous, thoughtful, compassionate, protector, led by God
Alinah - Peaceful, joyful, observant, leader, light of life, listener of God's voice

When I see them through His eyes, my perspective can change. Prayer, and quiet time will be my windshield wipers to clear off the junk that I let get in the way of how I see them. It will help me to know how to build their strengths and to love them the way God loves them.
This is my plan. Will I fail? Yeah probably. But the beauty of this is that God knows my heart and is quick to forgive and to help.
So this Mother's day, I encourage you to see your kids as God sees them. Ask Him to tell you about your kids and their hearts. Write it down. Let that LOVE that He gave you for your children that makes your heart feel like its going to explode, and makes you feel like laughing and crying all at the same time, refresh you and give you that motivation to keep going! You are important, you are needed, and you are so loved.
Happy Mother's Day <3

Road Trippin'

Knowing a road trip was ahead of us, I have to say I was nervous. Especially with a four and a half month old baby along for the ride. During our trip I knew for sure people where praying because the kids did so well on our 15 hour drive up to Wisconsin! We were packed in like sardines, but we had zero car problems, and the kids were content for most of the trip. Made it to Wisconsin in record time, with one stop in Ohio where we got to spend a little time with my sister. It was beautiful to drive through the Blue ridge Mountains as the sun was coming up. This picture does not really capture the gorgeous sunrise, but at least I tried! God is a great artist for sure. 

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This is how Gideon kept himself occupied during the trip:

He 'shot' everything from Ohio to Wisconsin and I'm sorry to say they probably have no trees left and many cows and horses were 'injured' along the way. Such a funny kid. 

We arrived in Beloit, WI on Friday. Then on Saturday we went up to Wisconsin Rapids (Another 2 1/2 hour drive which felt like nothing after the last trip) to stay with Nathaniel's Aunt and Uncle and speak at their church the following morning. 

Pastor Milt at Baker Street Community Church was so kind to let us come and share with them what we will be doing in Hawaii. We had a great time there and we are now back in Beloit, resting from all the driving! 

Thank you again for all the prayers!

Salt and Light

Seasons change, life changes, people change... We have gone through so many changes this last year, and as 2016 starts, we find ourselves rolling with the tides of change once again. On March 8^th we will be hopping another plane, headed back to the University of the Nations in Kona Hawaii! I prayed for favor when looking for our plane tickets, and God did even better than just giving us a good price for tickets (we found a great price!), but we also found out that our miles covered two tickets! So blessed and thankful. Last time when we flew to HI it was with two little kids in tow. This time, we have three!

In September of 2015 Nathaniel finished the film school and internship at the U of N, and when we return we will both be staff with this school. I have no experience working with film but I can help in the areas of mentoring or administration. As we have described the vision of being in the film industry, and working with people who are in that field and do not yet know who Jesus is, the word that we are called to be Salt to the Earth and Light to the World is brought up over and over. This is what the School of Digital Film making is all about. Teaching people how to be good at what they do, but also how to be in that industry, making a positive influence on those they work with. Also how to make good quality films that reflect Godly values. Being staff, Nathaniel will get the chance to gain even more experience working in film and of course help the students as well. Our plan is to be there a year and from there, who knows!? Psalms 119:105 'Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.' If you think about it, a lamp doesn't shine very far ahead, but it shows you your next steps, and that is just what we need. Because when we know God is guiding our steps, then we know we will end up in the right place. Our journey is never boring and sometimes challenging, but it's exciting to be traveling in the will of God.

Here is where I ask for prayer. Please pray for our trip back. This is about 18 hours of traveling and will be Alinah's first time flying so... lots of prayer is needed! Also prayer for grace as we transition once again. We will miss being with my mom and dad and closer to family. The kids especially will have to adjust again to the different time zone and living quarters and that can be rough. Nathaniel will need to find a job on top of everything, and we will be looking for a car and eventually an apartment off campus. Another prayer request we have is for more monthly supporters. The more financial support we have, the more Nathaniel will be able to focus full time on the ministry and developing new projects.

We have been so grateful for the support and love we have received during this time we have spent back on the mainland. It has been such a good time for us to adjust to being a family of five and for our kids to get to know my parents better. It was also really special to be able to have our baby here, with my mom delivering. As hard as it is to leave, we are really excited about getting back into the ministry, and settling into our new routine. It's always a new adventure and we love to take you guys with us though the journey. It's always amazing to see what God is going to do next and such a privilege to be able to be a part of it! I pray that in this new year you will see God's blessings each day. Each day is a new start and His mercies are new every morning!

Blessings from the Tracy Family!

Nathaniel, Elizabeth, Kaleigh, Gideon, and Alinah

Send offerings and support to:

Good News Christian Center, 2293 Prairie Ave. Beloit, WI 53511.

Make checks payable to: GNCC with the memo saying 'support for Nathaniel and Elizabeth Tracy'.

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Terror In their Eyes

These last couple of weeks here have been filled with rain, and even thunderstorms. For me, this has been wonderful because it brings some relief from the intense heat and sun beating down on you! During the day, a thunderstorm is great fun for the kids but night time is a different story...for G. I remember as a child being terrified of thunderstorms. I'd often end up crawling into my parent's bed and then I would feel safe again. K has no such worries, she just sleeps. But one night after everyone was asleep, about 10:30 P.M. or so, there was a bright flash of lightning and right away a LOUD crack of thunder. As soon as I saw the lightning I sat up waiting for the thunder that would come, and figuring they would both wake up. K stayed asleep but poor G (2 1/2 yrs. old) leaped out of his bed. The light was just right so that I could look in his eyes and see pure terror. It was heart wrenching. Nathaniel grabbed him and quickly snuggled him and I sat there and thought about it for a minute. In this situation, it later would become something cute and kind of funny. And it has. But I started thinking about so many children right now who have real terror in their eyes because of horrible things that are happening. As a parent, to watch your child be scared is such a sad thing and you automatically want to protect them and make it all better. In our situation we could, easily bring G into our bed and let him feel safe and know nothing bad was going to happen. But right now all over the world things are happening that so many parents have to watch their children be terrified, and there is nothing they can do.
It must be breaking their hearts into the tiniest pieces.
I cried that night for those parents and those kids. I cried today for them. (I just cry a lot in general these days). I watched a video of the refugees coming out of Syria and Iraq and being turned away at the borders of Europe. The scared and crying faces of the children just tear your heart in two. The helplessness that the parents, siblings, and grandparents must feel, is heartbreaking. I can't imagine being in their places. It was so eye opening for me to see that terror on G's face, it was just a glimpse of what it's like for other kids and parents in this world. Specifically I felt to pray for those refugees. How would it feel to think you were taking your children somewhere safe, only to be turned away right back into the terror you are fleeing? No where to go? I pray for them. I hope you pray for them too. I found a great article with many different options for ways to help these people. How to help the people who are there helping them. I will share it here.
Click HERE to read more about how to help the refugees!
We are blessed. So blessed to live where we do. I have never known the terror that these  people have face, and some are facing daily. I don't want to take that for granted.

My friend's husband, Steve Schallert is a very gifted song writer/musician and this song of his has been running through my head and my heart and become my prayer.

Jesus 
God of the poor 
Liberator 
Friend of the weak 

Jesus 
Light of the world 
These weary bones 
Tremble and weep 

Heal every heart 
Heal every soul 
Heal the violence we carry 
The blood in the soil 

There is blood in the soil!

A Song Of Lamentation - Steve Schallert

An iPod Testimony

Have you ever thought it was silly to pray about keys that you lost? You just can't find them, but feel like God probably has more important things to do than help you find something that should have just put back into your purse? 

I've felt that way. God has shown me many different times that He cares about the small things. I will share one of these times with you. (This literally JUST happened). 

Here in Hawaii I don't have a phone. Every now and then I can borrow the one Nathaniel uses but here, my way of communicating has been my iPod. Well on Thursday I had set my iPod to airplane mode so I could let K play on it while I finished my last 15 minutes at the boutique, working. The battery died and after I charged it, the iPod screen would not respond to me touching it. At all. I figured no big deal and hooked it up to my computer. Nothing I tried worked because I was unable to enter the lock code and it was not hooked up to the Internet. I spent probably over an hour on the apple chat with tech support trying to figure it out and we ran into a dead end at every turn. They finally said my only option was to take it into a store and have them troubleshoot it. That would be no big deal except the closest store is about 10 minutes away... If you have a car. That's a little too far of a walk for me. I was so frustrated. I also wasn't sure if I would end up needing to pay for a repair. We really have no money for that. Finally today I had one more idea. I sat K down and told we were going to pray this worked. So we did. 

It looked like it was going to work (putting it in recovery mode and restoring it that way, therefore bypassing the passcode and the iCloud 'find my phone' feature). Then it stopped and said it wouldn't work. I tried twice. I was so bummed. I unplugged it, and guess what?! You guessed it! It works! So not only did I not have to restore it and lose everything on my iPod, but I am positive that God answered our prayer and of course He had a better idea than I did. We quickly sat down again and thanked Him for answering our prayers. I took the chance to encourage K that she can talk to God about everything, even if it seems silly. 

Maybe to some people this seems like no big deal. But right now I feel loved and well taken care of. God cares about what you care about. And He cared about what my broken iPod meant to me. 

Rivers of living water...Let us not grow weary

So I am quickly learning that with each pregnancy, I get more emotional. I notice it worsening with each child. Maybe I shouldn't have a lot of kids! Hahaha. But today I was thinking back on last week until today, and it dawned on me how great God was at taking care of me. After the Thursday meeting, two Thursdays ago, I was so happy and pumped up for God. Things had gone so well with the kids playing quietly that I could actually soak in the message and enjoy worship and I felt so refreshed. Then the weekend hit and it was just hard. No particular reason exactly, just a bunch of things all together. My hip has been hurting badly and I'm not able to get to a chiropractor until we get back to WI, that has been frustrating. My Aunt is in the hospital, not doing well so of course I'm worried and sad. Also the kids just seemed to hit a bumpy spot with their attitudes and behavior so that didn't help. Plus it was SO HOT! Ok, let me rephrase that; me and my big pregnant self are SO HOT.
So it just ended up being a kind of hard weekend. I didn't even realize it until at worship the following Monday morning the leader upfront said how he had experienced a very difficult weekend. He felt that after such a great moment on Thursday, the spiritual attack from the enemy had come down really hard on the weekend and he said for those of us that felt that same way, to raise your hand and the people around you would pray for you.
I have been avoiding people praying for me. I know that sounds dumb but with my hormones always putting me on the verge of tears, and how much I really don't like crying in public, I have been avoiding it. So prideful.
I snuck my hand up because I needed prayer. The kids and I were tucked in a corner and I was on floor with them trying to keep them occupied and as they wiggled around my hand quickly came back down and I figured I'd pray about it later (rolls my eyes) and deal with them now.
Well God knew I needed prayer no matter how prideful I was going to be about it and a man came up to me and said, he had seen my hand go up and asked if he could pray for me. Yes. Oh brother, tears already. I just said it had been a very stressful weekend. As he prayed for me tears just poured down my cheeks and G sat in my lap kind of worried about me. I definitely needed that. At the end of the prayer he said that my kids were great and I said I had been really blessed.
"Also a lot of great parenting I'm sure." He said. It was a sweet encouragement.

I have learned this week that God knows our love languages better than anyone else. One of my main languages is words of affirmation. Not that I run around fishing for compliments (at least I hope I don't!) but as much as I feel a bit awkward when someone says something to me and I'm often not sure how to respond correctly, it is like balm to my soul.
Different times during this past week people have stopped me to say how great of a mom they thought I was, or how well I was doing with my husband being so busy...
I'M NOT SAYING THIS TO BOAST. You may not believe me since I already admitted to having a pride issue. But this doesn't happen all the time. I don't have people say things like that to me everyday, far from it. I'm saying this to show how much God cares and looks after the little things. It was very specific to this week and God knowing what I needed. Whether it was a single person who said they really admired what I was doing or a fellow mom saying I was doing great, each time it was God giving me words of affirmation that he knew would be healing to me. Amazingly it took me until today to really see it. Today one of Nathaniel's leaders asked me about what would be best for their shooting schedule for me and the kids. I was able to ask that Nathaniel not be busy (if possible) when I worked at the boutique. I knew it might not be an option, and I told him if not, that it was ok. But just the fact that he cared enough to ask and to show that he valued our family and he said he knew it must be hard just with the kids all day, meant a lot to me.
And then I realized God had been watering my heart. Renewing my purpose. One of my friends recently told me that she felt God telling her that moms are rivers of living water in their homes. Not that they CAN be, but that they ARE. Even if we don't feel like it. This week God was raining his love down into my river of living water that had been feeling a little dry. He filled it back up. I am so thankful for how He deals with our hearts.
I have been more consciously leaving my Ipod at home, or in my stroller or whatever so that I can be FULLY in the moment with my kids. Helping K with the monkey bars, push the kids on the swing, encourage G to count every step, so he learns his numbers. I had so many precious moments today when I looked into their faces and they were just radiating love. I keep trying to memorize their faces how they are right now. The expressions they make, the funny phrases they say, or things they do. I wish I could record it all or get pictures of everything. I want to really have these moments imprinted on my mind as they get older. As the training gets more complicated, as they get more independent. It seems so overwhelming at times.
I'm so thankful that God poured love into me this past week. I'm thankful that I finally realized it and can now embrace it. This verse came to my mind tonight:
Galatians 6:9 (ESV)
"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up."

I'm not giving up. Who could give up on these cuties??

Alert and Thankful

I was doing my Bible reading one night a few nights ago in Colossians. There was one particular verse that really stood out to me. Paul says to the church in Colosse   To "Devote themselves to prayer with ALERT minds and THANKFUL hearts". (Chapter 4 verse 2, emphasis my own). It made me think about why he had to say that. I pray often through the day. I could do better, you always can but I feel I often try to have a running dialogue with God. So why did this verse pop out at me so much? 

It struck me that as a woman, we are good multitaskers. I for one, often feel the need to be doing one thing while I am doing another. Like I am eating a late night snack as I write this! Hehe. So I am often doing something else or, like when I pray for the kids at night I am sometimes even thinking of something else, while I pray. Trying to do more than one thing at once. How can I feel God giving me the words to pray or even hear an answer from Him if I am not actually listening or paying attention!? Also I often hear people pray or I often start praying when I am upset, frustrated, stressed, or worried. Etc. But God has done so much for us, why would we not praise Him? So not to just speak to him with problems but to also come to Him when we are thankful, and to remember to thank Him when He answers prayers or provides for us. Paul knew the importance of setting apart times where you are just focusing on prayer, and talking to God. Why would he say to be alert? What are we being alert to? God! He is the one we are having a conversation with so we should be alert to His gentle prompting. He can be very subtle and you can often miss what He is saying completely if you are paying no attention. A conversation should be both ways. 

Anyway I obviously was very convicted by this! I have so many areas I need to work on and this is one of them. I just hope this can inspire someone else too. Because God loves to speak to His children.