A Steady Beat

After the last post (two months ago!), Nathaniel started working on a movie set and although we saw him every now and then, he was basically gone for a month. This job was a huge blessing in so many ways, but as I saw that month coming I steeled myself up for it. When he is gone the burden of caring for house and home became a little heavier. Play dates, staff meetings, home school... it all added up and we kept ourselves busy enough to keep ourselves afloat. A rhythm was established for while dad was gone. When he was done, we were so happy to have him home! But we needed to reestablish our old rhythm and take time as a family to reconnect. All in all, it's been a great two months.
As the days roll I find a peace in the steady beat of life. We are accustomed to the ebb and flow of people here on the campus, we are accustomed to community living. In reality, I love it.
Christmas is upon us and I love passing the joy, hope, and excitement of the season to my children. Decorating, baking, (although Christmas cookies six at a time in a toaster oven is not ideal!), Christmas tree, putting money in the salvation army bucket, carols... all leading to the one day where we celebrate the Savior who left his rightful place up in heaven to come to us as a humble babe born in a stable.
This time of year stirs up my heart with so much love. And yet, just like that *snaps fingers* it will be over. We build up to it...and then it's done. And we go back to that steady rhythm.
As I was reading in my Bible the other day I read the verse where it talks about being a living sacrifice. Romans 12:1 'Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ' 
As I live and breathe, I should be a living sacrifice. At all times. Dying to self, giving back to God and giving to others. This sounds exhausting. I think of my steady beat through life and I get exhausted just thinking about what it would take to do that. But then in this special time God showed me a different picture. Here is the month leading up to His birth. I LOVE this time and so I put the extra effort forth to bake, decorate, teach the kids about baby Jesus and what that means for them, and all of the things that have to do with Christmas. On TOP of what I already have to do. It should be extra exhausting but it's not, because it brings me so much joy. Celebrating Jesus brings me joy! LIFE should be this way. Teaching my kids how amazing it is to have a relationship with God, Preparing them for the joys and challenges of adulthood, and knowing that God has great plans for me and that won't ever change. Celebrating Jesus all the time. All year, should be a celebration of Him. The one who gave so much and showed the ultimate example of what it means to sacrifice. I feel I can look at the coming year with expectation. Celebrating life and the One who gave us life so abundantly!

Merry Christmas Everyone! <3

Run With Endurance

Head down, eyes watching your feet pound the pavement, knowing you've almost reached the end of the race but you are so tired and worn, that you hardly feel you can make it to the end. Then you see this up ahead. 

Your feet pound a little faster, you lift up your head and look towards the finish line. You're heart is encouraged and when you see the end you run! You made it! 

I loved seeing the encouraging messages written all over the path for the runners of the Iron Man Race here in Kona. Encouragement in so many different languages, colors, and sizes. I could see the runners in the last leg of the race who were SO tired, hot, sweating.... and yet they kept on. To be in that moment, and see a message written to you to give you strength and keep you going forward would be just the thing to put the spring in your step! It was amazing to watch the race. And I would say inspiring... but I feel in order to say that it would mean it had inspired me to do something. And do you don't see me exercising? Hahahaha. I guess I have been trying to drink a little less soda. 

So many times in my life it feels like I'm just pushing through, staring at my feet and watching them move forward until the next day comes. Somewhere along the way my gaze drifts down, and things don't look as hopeful when you stare at your feet. You won't see anything new, hopeful, or exciting if you are just staring at your sneakers (if they are like mine, they look pretty new, because like I said, I don't do much exercise =D ). In those moments, God brings me encouragement. Through my friends or family, a song, a verse... something that reminds me to look up and set my eyes back on what is important. On finishing, and enjoying the race while I'm at it. 

This song brought me to my knees first, then I lifted my gaze upwards. 

Two lines that get me every time:

When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world?

I try to take life back right out of the hands of the king of the world?

(King of The World: Natalie Grant)

So we keep moving. We keep running the race that God has set before us, following His lead and knowing we are not alone in this race. He is right beside us, so put it back in his hands. The burden will lift and so will your eyes. 

Hebrews 12:1-2

12 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. 2 We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.[a]Because of the joy[b] awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.

And So I Will Dwell....

Almost a month has gone by since my last post, and so much has built up in my heart I don't really know where to begin...
This month I have been learning about dwelling places. Too much to get into details but there have been struggles this month and personally I have been struggling back and forth with things and taking on the impossible task of a wrestling match with God. My spirit feels a little bruised and tired but the outcome was not a body slam into the ground like you would maybe expect, but instead a sheltering, loving hug from my Heavenly Father. Isn't that just how it is wrestling with children? You roll around on the floor with them, they get their energy out and see how strong they can be and if they can overtake you, so you play along for a little while. When you decide it's been enough, more often than not that wrestling match turns into a hug.
I had to get that energy, frustration, and confusion out. Even though I knew I could never win, I still needed to wrestle and ask why. Instead of telling me why, God pulled me in closer to him and reminded me to praise. The song that WOULD NOT LEAVE MY HEAD?
"Your praise will, ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips, your praise will, ever be on my lips..."
Hint maybe? So I praise. I find things to be grateful for. Like songs that God puts in my head to remind me, or to minister to me. I'm grateful for my kids, for my husband, for God's provision. So that even when my heart is hurting over loss, and the tears run down my face, I don't have to stay there. My lesson this month has been not to dwell in the pain. To not stay there, because the longer I do, the harder it is to get out of it. It says in Psalm 91: 1-2
"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, "My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust!"
Picking up my tent stakes and make my dwelling in His shelter. Such a secure camping spot. When the storm is raging all around me, I am safe.
If you ever get sick of my sharing songs... Sorry not sorry! Music is something I am so, so, thankful to have. The other day I heard a beautiful song on the radio called, Thy Will, by Hillary Scott. This song was written by Hillary after she experienced a miscarriage and this song shows that beautiful struggle so well. The back and forth of hurt and pain, but yet knowing God's truth and speaking it over the situation. I could feel the emotions in the song because even though I wasn't going through the same thing she was, the emotions were the same. So I am choosing to dwell in Him. Even when I don't understand everything, I will place my trust in the One who's ways are higher than my ways.

Thy Will, by Hillary Scott - Music Video

Thy Will

I’m so confused
I know I heard You loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of Your plan
When I try to pray
All I’ve got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know You’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know You think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all Your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that You’re God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will

I know You see me
I know You hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness You have in store
I know You hear me
I know You see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness You have in store
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know You see me
I know You hear me, Lord
_____________________________________________________

"If Only You Could See Them Through My Eyes..."

It is Mother's Day weekend. Hence the onslaught of posts by mothers, to mothers, and about mothers. Why you ask? Because this is an important day. This day brings so many emotions. I run through them all.
Heart Bursting Love.... for my kids, and for my mom.
Guilt... for not being a better mom, or daughter, or granddaughter.
Excitement... thinking ahead to what will come as my kids get older.
Fear... thinking ahead to what will come as my kids get older! Haha. But for real though.
Amazement.... at the little blessings God entrusted to me.
Grief... when I think of the my grandmothers who are both gone, and those who's moms are no longer with them.

All these emotions, I need to process. I always find myself contemplating deeply around Mother's Day. I often find that guilt rides quickly on the heels of the crazy love I feel for my kids and reminds me of ALL my shortcomings as a mother, It starts listing all of my "mom fails". And that could go on forever because after just one week that list is quite lengthy.
I saw a giveaway on instagram and to enter you had to answer the question: What do you want to do on Mother's Day?
So I paused and thought about it. My first thought was, to be alone. No one touching me, asking me questions.... But then I thought, no. That would be nice for like an hour. Maybe two. But what I really want is to go somewhere that the kids love to be. Where they will be happy and I can sit there and watch them be happy and just soak in that Heart bursting love for them and let it refresh my spirit. Because that comes from God. I believe that's how He feels about us. The guilt will have to stay silent,because if I tell him to, the Devil has to FLEE from me in Jesus' name.
My conscience, that still small voice that comes from the Holy Spirit is a good thing. It helps me to see my faults, but in a gentle and loving way that brings correction.
Guilt, beats you over the head with a hammer relentlessly until you feel like nothing about you is good enough. That my friends, is not healthy, and is not from God. Please know the difference. I am speaking this to myself as well.
I was praying this morning. Because I needed to, since the the Holy Spirit had to get a little less gentle with me today until I listened. I asked God, "Why do I get SO frustrated with my kids so easily?!"
"If only you could see them through My eyes..."
Ahhh, I saw those words scroll through my brain. Yes. I allow my tiredness, my headache, my dirty house, my SELF, to fog the lenses through which I see my children. Oh that cleared my vision so quickly.
Kaleigh - Eager to please, serving, smart, beautiful, strong moral compass, creative, perseverent,  expressive, sensetive, made for something great....
Gideon - Strong, perfectionist, goofy, loving, adventurous, thoughtful, compassionate, protector, led by God
Alinah - Peaceful, joyful, observant, leader, light of life, listener of God's voice

When I see them through His eyes, my perspective can change. Prayer, and quiet time will be my windshield wipers to clear off the junk that I let get in the way of how I see them. It will help me to know how to build their strengths and to love them the way God loves them.
This is my plan. Will I fail? Yeah probably. But the beauty of this is that God knows my heart and is quick to forgive and to help.
So this Mother's day, I encourage you to see your kids as God sees them. Ask Him to tell you about your kids and their hearts. Write it down. Let that LOVE that He gave you for your children that makes your heart feel like its going to explode, and makes you feel like laughing and crying all at the same time, refresh you and give you that motivation to keep going! You are important, you are needed, and you are so loved.
Happy Mother's Day <3

The Blur Comes Into Focus

I apologize for the huge gap between posts. I don't mean for this to become the norm! After my last post, the craziness of packing, saying 'see you later' to Kona, and hopping on a plane, took over. The last two months have truly been a blur. On the 22nd of September we started our trip. Three plane rides later, our tired family flew into Chicago and then made our way to Wisconsin. We packed as many visits as we could with friends, family, and church family, into those five short days. Bittersweet to see them all but not know when we might see them again. It's rough on my emotions. And poor little sensitive K who struggled with all of the goodbyes. We packed ourselves and all our belongings into our minivan. Oh how I missed having a vehicle!! I wanted to hug and kiss that van. But that would have been gross, so I refrained from doing so. 

We spent a night in Chicago with a friend who blessed us with a great double stroller! We squeezed that into our van and then made our way to Ohio and spent some time with my sister. After a great time there we were on the road again, headed for Virginia Beach to visit Nathaniel's sister. Hitting Washington D.C. Rush hour traffic was a mistake we will hopefully NEVER make again! Eventually we made it there and had a good few days to visit. We made it to my parent's house in North Carolina on the 8th of October. Nineteen days before my due date. This gave us a little time to settle in to our new home. The RV in my parent's driveway. Although we mostly just run wild in their house, we sleep in the RV. Haha. On the nineteenth of October we had our last outing as a family of four. Along with my parents, we walked all around the North Carolina state fair enjoying the exhibits, food, and the kids enjoyed a couple of rides. 

I'm convinced that all this walking is what started the journey to becoming a family of five. 

The morning of Wednesday the 21st of October, I was talking to my friend on the phone. I remember telling her that it just felt like it would happen imminently. I was so achy and sore and felt so much pressure. That evening contractions started. Nathaniel was at work and by the time he got back at 9:00 things were starting to move along. He put the kids to bed and we realized we had no way to know if they woke up during the night, so he quick ran to Walmart for a baby monitor. The contractions were still only about six or seven  minutes apart but they were getting long and hard. I leaned heavily on Nathaniel. And then all of a sudden it hit me like a freight train. No time to rest, contractions came one after another. I told my mom (my midwife!) that if she wanted her assistant there to call her quick. She didn't make it. 

The water birth tub wasn't even filled all the way, but our baby wanted out! She was born after a few pushes into the loving hands of her Grandma. So special and it was all so perfect. Our little A is here and she is the piece that fits perfectly into our family puzzle. 7lbs. 13 ounces of cuteness, born at 2:06am on the 22nd of October. She quickly picked up on nursing, and after a while Nathaniel brought K out to meet her baby sister. She was so tired but deliriously happy to see her. Oh I'll always remember her smile the first time she saw our baby. So much love. My dad heard the baby cry and woke up to meet her. It all went so well and I'm just so grateful that we were able to come here and have this time. God has been good to us. Our family is adjusting to, and loving on, our new addition. Our hearts are so full! Meet our newest little girl...

Terror In their Eyes

These last couple of weeks here have been filled with rain, and even thunderstorms. For me, this has been wonderful because it brings some relief from the intense heat and sun beating down on you! During the day, a thunderstorm is great fun for the kids but night time is a different story...for G. I remember as a child being terrified of thunderstorms. I'd often end up crawling into my parent's bed and then I would feel safe again. K has no such worries, she just sleeps. But one night after everyone was asleep, about 10:30 P.M. or so, there was a bright flash of lightning and right away a LOUD crack of thunder. As soon as I saw the lightning I sat up waiting for the thunder that would come, and figuring they would both wake up. K stayed asleep but poor G (2 1/2 yrs. old) leaped out of his bed. The light was just right so that I could look in his eyes and see pure terror. It was heart wrenching. Nathaniel grabbed him and quickly snuggled him and I sat there and thought about it for a minute. In this situation, it later would become something cute and kind of funny. And it has. But I started thinking about so many children right now who have real terror in their eyes because of horrible things that are happening. As a parent, to watch your child be scared is such a sad thing and you automatically want to protect them and make it all better. In our situation we could, easily bring G into our bed and let him feel safe and know nothing bad was going to happen. But right now all over the world things are happening that so many parents have to watch their children be terrified, and there is nothing they can do.
It must be breaking their hearts into the tiniest pieces.
I cried that night for those parents and those kids. I cried today for them. (I just cry a lot in general these days). I watched a video of the refugees coming out of Syria and Iraq and being turned away at the borders of Europe. The scared and crying faces of the children just tear your heart in two. The helplessness that the parents, siblings, and grandparents must feel, is heartbreaking. I can't imagine being in their places. It was so eye opening for me to see that terror on G's face, it was just a glimpse of what it's like for other kids and parents in this world. Specifically I felt to pray for those refugees. How would it feel to think you were taking your children somewhere safe, only to be turned away right back into the terror you are fleeing? No where to go? I pray for them. I hope you pray for them too. I found a great article with many different options for ways to help these people. How to help the people who are there helping them. I will share it here.
Click HERE to read more about how to help the refugees!
We are blessed. So blessed to live where we do. I have never known the terror that these  people have face, and some are facing daily. I don't want to take that for granted.

My friend's husband, Steve Schallert is a very gifted song writer/musician and this song of his has been running through my head and my heart and become my prayer.

Jesus 
God of the poor 
Liberator 
Friend of the weak 

Jesus 
Light of the world 
These weary bones 
Tremble and weep 

Heal every heart 
Heal every soul 
Heal the violence we carry 
The blood in the soil 

There is blood in the soil!

A Song Of Lamentation - Steve Schallert

Baby Worshiper

Every Monday morning and every Thursday evening here at the U of N campus we have corporate worship. Before the actual meeting you can hear the drums going and the people singing as they practice their set list for that day. As soon as K hears it she gasps and says, "Mommy we are missing worship!!".
"No honey they are practicing, we will go down when it starts..." Every Monday and Thursday.
I love her worshiper heart. She loves to dance and sing and raise her hands in worship. She doesn't always last the whole time, especially if she doesn't know the song, but her excitement to be there is so good for me. Often on Monday mornings I'm exhausted and just wishing I could have a cup of coffee (The baby has put it's foot down and no longer lets me feel ok when I drink coffee), but K is ready and telling me to hurry so we don't miss it.
I also love worship. So many times when my heart is twisting with frustration and heavy with whatever is going on, worship is where I can let that all go and cry out to my Father again. It's always been something I loved. I'm so glad she pushes me to go sometimes even when I don't feel like it right away. Thursdays they even have a kid's class with snacks, but K finds that overwhelming and says she would rather come with me to worship.
You can learn so much from children. There was a short time where she just sat in the stroller completely uninterested in worship. This was so sad to me. I tried to figure out why. I'd often let her go and play with the other kids during the meeting instead of staying close and then I was worried trying to chase after her and G hoping they didn't fall and get hurt or make a really loud noise. My worship time ended up being fruitless. It almost seemed pointless to go. Finally after talking to some other mom's, including my mother in law, I decided I need to keep the kids close to me. I sat down with K and G (although G wouldn't really understand being only 2) and explained that they would be staying close to me, and I told them that we go to worship because because He loves to hear us sing praises to Him and we want to sing to Him because we are so happy and grateful for all He has done because He loves us. I put together a bag with a blanket, toys, coloring books and now I have added snacks. After the songs (Or on Monday since it's only worship and no talking, I say after a few songs) they can sit on the blanket, play with the toys and eat their snack.
It doesn't always work the best. We had a few training moments. Last week I thought it was amazing because they got through a whole 2 hour meeting no problem and I was astounded. (God knew I needed that meeting!) This week we didn't last as long but still, when that music turns on, I see the kids dancing and it melts my heart. K sometimes just seems to really be praising God and I pray that is something that stays so strong in her. I snapped a couple of pictures tonight. So you know she obviously wasn't just mimicking me, because I wasn't paying great attention but instead I was taking pictures! It brought tears to my eyes watching her. But then propelled me to put down my ipod quickly and focus on God. One picture is blurry because she is dancing but it is so sweet I added it anyway.

Tender Care

1 Thessalonians 5:14 - 19 (NLT)
'Brothers and sister, we urge you to warn those who are lazy. Encourage those who are timid. Take tender care of those who are weak. Be patient with everyone. See that no one pays back evil for evil, but always try to do good to each other and to all people. Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. Do not stifle the Holy Spirit. '

Another mommy blog. I read this and I see some simple instructions for me as a mom, as a wife. Do I warn my kids when they are being lazy? Or do I let them stay lazy? Nathaniel pointed out to me how much I was just carrying G around or pushing G and K around in the stroller. Not that it's bad to carry your kids but really the cafeteria is right by our house and it's good for them to get some walking in. Especially as the baby is coming soon and it just makes my hip hurt to carry G or push the stroller. I can cheer them on as they march up the steps to go eat and say what a great job they are doing. Kids feel accomplishment when they achieve something. Am I encouraging then when they are scared to do something? To stand up when they need to? Am I being patient with them? (NO!) Am I teaching them to be patient? (Hard to learn if they don't have a good example). Teach them to do good in all situations even when evil has been done to them? We get to practice this one a lot lately. Not that the kids here are evil, but kids are kids and don't always do the nicest things to each other, and I need to show them how to respond. Always be joyful! When I was morning sick and felt so gross I tried to still model being joyful even when I didn't feel good. An easy thing to practice in a community, because you get lots of opportunities. Every meal time, when I would feel awful I would work hard to still greet people with a smile and wave. I want my kids to learn to do the same. I encourage them to smile back at all the nice people that think they are so cute and love to say hi to them. I want them to be courteous. It can really make a persons day having a little kid smile big and greet them.
Never stop praying... Oh that still needs work. Always a work in progress. Also being thankful in all circumstances.

But one that really struck me was to not stifle the Holy Spirit. Oh I remember when I was single, or married with no kids and when I would pray and ask to hear from God how quickly He would answer me. Not always. But much of the time. Why do I not use such a valuable tool in my daily life in one of the most important jobs I have ever had?! Raising kids! If I would simply take a second and quickly ask God how to handle a situation when it arises with my kids or my husband, how much better would the outcome be? It doesn't take long really, although it may take me a little time to get back into practice. All I can think about right now is how invaluable that information or gentle nudge from God would be. I could protect my children's little hearts so much if I had better direction on how to discipline them and guide them. Sometimes I feel so lost or I really know that I blew it in a situation, (probably my whole apartment building knows and shakes their head about how I could have handled that much better!) But I have the Holy Spirit saying, 'Do not stifle me!'. And I stifle away. We even had a mom's meeting where the speaker talked about this some. How much God can help guide us as we raise our kids if we just ASK him too! Lord I'm asking!! I'm ready for guidance. I'm ready. At least I am tonight. When they are sleeping and so peaceful! Haha. I have so much to be thankful for. Especially coming home tonight to see my husband had cleaned. This pregnant lady almost cried. From grumpy to weepy in a second. So cliche. Grateful for him and for my energetic kids who went to bed with no problem tonight. Counting my blessings!
These are just my thoughts. Things I need to be mindful of, and work on continuously. I want to be tender again to the Holy Spirit and His guidance. Being a mom doesn't change my ability to hear from Him.
And I need to tenderly care for these little hearts that God has entrusted me with. Sometimes the ones closest to you can hurt you the most and I don't want that to be me with my kids. I want to nurture them and to protect them. The best way for me to do that is to let God work on MY heart and let his love overflow onto my family. Instead of my pregnancy hormones that mostly seem to generate overflowing grumpiness. I chose love.