Relentless Pursuit

It's hard to explain, but for a long while now I have felt the need to hold back. My inspiration to write anything (newsletters included) had all but disappeared, and I even felt a bit afraid of it. A couple of months ago a close friend told me that she felt God was saying to me that I shouldn't stop writing. Instantly I felt fear at opening up again but also some excitement. Writing has always been a way that I processed things, but I think at some point I got fed up with processing and just needed to live life for a while. If you have been reading the blog you know last year knocked me back on my heals and the getting back up has been harder and longer than I would have imagined. But tonight, out of the blue while I was standing there doing the dishes that I should have done earlier and cleaning the kitchen so it can get destroyed again tomorrow, the song on my Pandora station caught my ear....

There is no distance 

That cannot be covered 

Over and over 

You're not defenseless

I'll be your shelter

I'll be your armor

I hear you whisper underneath your breath

I hear your SOS, your SOS

I will send out an army to find you

In the middle of the darkest night 

It's true, I will rescue you

I will never stop marching to reach you

In the middle of the hardest fight

It's true, I will rescue you

- Lauren Daigle (Rescue)

This strong sense of being pursued, of being sought after by my Savior, caught me by surprise. Not so much that I was lost, more like I've been going through life with my hand at the plow and my head down watching my feet pound through the dirt, trying to get as much done as possible. But He will come for me over and over. Not only me, but YOU. This is half of why I'm writing this because I feel like there is someone out there who needs to feel this too. Maybe you don't realize you are running, or maybe you have been crying SOS to God for a long time, but He is coming for you. And when you turn and run into His arms he will be your shelter, and your armor, and he will rescue you. 

Walking on Water

I reflect on this last year, and it has been the hardest year I've ever been through.
Some days it still does not feel real that my brother is gone, and for a little while I allow myself to imagine he is still here. And then other days, like today, a year since we lost him, it is so, horribly real. I feel physically ill with the harsh reality, and the reliving of the day I heard he was gone. All over again, I'm sad, angry, hurt, and devastated. This is not how it was supposed to be. These emotions that have been bottled are exploding like someone shook a soda can and then opened it.

Tim, I miss you.
I miss how you would play the same song on the piano, over and over, until we were all sick of it. I miss how you were quick to give a hug, to anyone who needed it. I miss the way you would sit there and listen to my kids and answer the millions of questions they would ask you, and you did it with so much patience. They loved being with you. I miss how when we were little I could always convince you to play with me, or share with me. I miss how you would try to sound super smart, just because you went to grad school and got your masters. Ok fine, you sounded smart because you were. I miss making you go shopping with me, or decorate for Christmas with me. There are too many things we never got to do, and things I never got to show you.
I miss you.

I'm so thankful I don't walk this life alone. That I know where to turn when I am overwhelmed and falling.
The other day I was reading through a devotional and I took to heart the story of when Peter stepped out of the boat and walked towards Jesus. He trusted when Jesus said to come, and walked on water! It doesn't talk about how long he walked on water, or how far he had gone before he got scared, looked away from Jesus, and started to sink. But he had the faith to do it. There was wind and waves, not exactly great conditions for your first try at walking on water  maybe, yet it was in that hard moment that Peter stepped out of the safety of the boat and walked to the One whom He knew he could trust to save Him. Even when he got scared and lost sight of Jesus, he knew he would be saved.

In the beginning of everything, I felt God was holding me close, I needed to be close and I needed to be held together. Now, slowly, He is teaching me how to walk on water. When my eyes stray away and I start to feel myself drowning (like today), he always picks me up again. He gently reminds me to keep my eyes on him, to look forward, and to keep walking, and I walk again. Never rushed, never pushy, but full of grace. Knowing I can trust Him. Even when the waves are crashing, I know he is greater than my circumstances.
I am walking on water.

(O'Lord by Lauren Daigle)

Your strength is found
At the end of my road
Your grace it reaches to the hurting
Still through the tears and the questioning why
I will stand my ground where hope can be found
I will stand my ground where hope can be found