Walking on Water

I reflect on this last year, and it has been the hardest year I've ever been through.
Some days it still does not feel real that my brother is gone, and for a little while I allow myself to imagine he is still here. And then other days, like today, a year since we lost him, it is so, horribly real. I feel physically ill with the harsh reality, and the reliving of the day I heard he was gone. All over again, I'm sad, angry, hurt, and devastated. This is not how it was supposed to be. These emotions that have been bottled are exploding like someone shook a soda can and then opened it.

Tim, I miss you.
I miss how you would play the same song on the piano, over and over, until we were all sick of it. I miss how you were quick to give a hug, to anyone who needed it. I miss the way you would sit there and listen to my kids and answer the millions of questions they would ask you, and you did it with so much patience. They loved being with you. I miss how when we were little I could always convince you to play with me, or share with me. I miss how you would try to sound super smart, just because you went to grad school and got your masters. Ok fine, you sounded smart because you were. I miss making you go shopping with me, or decorate for Christmas with me. There are too many things we never got to do, and things I never got to show you.
I miss you.

I'm so thankful I don't walk this life alone. That I know where to turn when I am overwhelmed and falling.
The other day I was reading through a devotional and I took to heart the story of when Peter stepped out of the boat and walked towards Jesus. He trusted when Jesus said to come, and walked on water! It doesn't talk about how long he walked on water, or how far he had gone before he got scared, looked away from Jesus, and started to sink. But he had the faith to do it. There was wind and waves, not exactly great conditions for your first try at walking on water  maybe, yet it was in that hard moment that Peter stepped out of the safety of the boat and walked to the One whom He knew he could trust to save Him. Even when he got scared and lost sight of Jesus, he knew he would be saved.

In the beginning of everything, I felt God was holding me close, I needed to be close and I needed to be held together. Now, slowly, He is teaching me how to walk on water. When my eyes stray away and I start to feel myself drowning (like today), he always picks me up again. He gently reminds me to keep my eyes on him, to look forward, and to keep walking, and I walk again. Never rushed, never pushy, but full of grace. Knowing I can trust Him. Even when the waves are crashing, I know he is greater than my circumstances.
I am walking on water.

(O'Lord by Lauren Daigle)

Your strength is found
At the end of my road
Your grace it reaches to the hurting
Still through the tears and the questioning why
I will stand my ground where hope can be found
I will stand my ground where hope can be found

Hearts On Chains.

This blog entry has literally been forming in my head for months. It started one morning at a worship time when I was struggling to get through it without letting all of my tears out, again. I looked next to me and saw another woman who had my emotions on her face. The tears were at the surface and I knew, even though I didn't know her full story, that we were both in a similar place. I read the grief on her face. The picture that came to my mind was people walking around pulling their heavy hearts on chains. Trying to get through the normal, day to day life, and trying to keep up with everyone around me. This feeling of a heavy weight that I am pulling behind me that keeps me from getting through the day without some difficulty. Not all days are this way. Anyone who is around me often knows I laugh, enjoy jokes, and fun, and usually my days are like any other mom.
But some days it's heavier than others. Some weeks it's heavier than others. This week it's heavy. It's taking a lot of effort to pull my heart through.
This week was a memorial concert for my brother. Beautiful, a labor of love from his friends. Music he had composed and music inspired by him. The emotions are raw and real, some are so good but some are just so hard and I'm tired. May 4th is his birthday. It was coming and it has been creeping up on me. Like it always does, because it's in the beginning of the month, and I can't think of how many times May would come around  and I'd realize I only had a couple days to think of a present!
One night that was really hard, in the beginning, I asked God how I should grieve. I didn't know what to do, or how to let the emotions come out that needed to come out. He said, sing.
Immediately I thought back to when I was about 16 and everything is dramatic and hormonal and I used to just sit and play songs on the guitar, or listen to music and cry, and pray, and sing, and cry and pray some more. It was a safe way to let it out.
But I was trapped. We lived in a studio apartment and I didn't want to do it when my kids were awake but if I waited until they were asleep then it was such a small space, it would wake them up. I could go outside but if they woke up I couldn't hear them. I would go out for just short times.
Moving to a bigger place was a gift in so many ways. I'm not great at playing the guitar, or singing. But music is a release for me. As I let the emotion out, and give it back to God, the weight gets lighter. The ache isn't as intense, and I feel like I can rest. I had to figure out a way to get it out otherwise my family gets a ticking time bomb. The pressure comes out in ways that I am ashamed to admit. It's not their fault, and they don't deserve to have someone with such a short fuse.
There have been times where I make myself so busy that I end up putting God on the back burner, and even in those moments, I know He still is holding me. Keeping the pieces together.

This passage spoke to me tonight:

Psalm 42 5-8
'Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again- my Savior and my God!
Now I am deeply discouraged, but I will remember you - even from distant Mount Hermon, the source of the Jordan, from the land of Mount Mizar, I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me. 
But EACH DAY the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life.'

Then:

Psalm 43 3-5
Send out your light and your truth; let them guide me. Let them lead me to your holy mountain, to the place where you live. There I will go to the altar of God, to God - the SOURCE OF ALL MY JOY, I will praise you with my harp, O God, my God!
Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again- my Savior and my God!

(emphasis my own.)

He is my source. He is the lifter of my head. He is my joy, my hope, my salvation. I will trust in Him, and let him carry my heavy heart.

Mom's Night Out, Volcano, and A Date...

I feel like most of my posts end up being very reflective and maybe someone reading the posts may think I am a very serious person. Is that true? I usually end up throwing a joke or two in there because that's actually what I usually do. My days do not always consist of me sitting and being introspective, and praying about how I should let God fix me (Although I should probably pray more about that!). The majority of my days are spent like many other stay at home moms. Feeding children, cleaning, playdates, homeschool, feeding children, cleaning, going to the park, browsing facebook, cooking, wondering why my house is still dirty even when I wrote cleaning two times... As a mom and as a YWAM'er I have learned to be very flexible. A friend texts me at 8:30am and asks if we want to go the park and I reply, 'Sure, let me get out of my PJ's and we will be right there!'
Friday night I went to a Ladies night at our church with some friends (without kids!) and had so much fun. They had a cupcake war (making them, not throwing them), provided dinner, and also one of the ladies shared her beautiful testimony.
Then Saturday morning we woke up and remembered the national parks were free that day! So as quickly as a family of five can, we threw on our clothes, grabbed a bag of a variety of snacks to throw at the children during the 2 hour drive, and headed to Volcano National Park. It was really fun to just do something random as a family and even though we didn't have a lot of time there (Because later that night Nathaniel and I went on a date. TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW with a break from kids! Epic!!) we had a great time doing some exploring. Nathaniel got to tell us all sorts of fun things about the volcano and the plants now that he is a bonafide tour guide. It was day time so we weren't able to see the lava glowing but it was all so new and fun to see. We drove home going around the south side of the island where I've never been before. On the way out to the park, every hill Gideon saw, he thought it was a volcano and some were either 'sleeping' or about to 'plode'. It was so cute and funny! For about the first 20 minutes anyway.
This weekend was relaxing. Last week we started Homeschool and it has been good but it will take a little time to find our rhythm. It was just what I needed, to be able to get out and do something new. I like routine but I also get to the point where it almost makes me feel claustrophobic and I need to get out and do something different! I have never really been a homebody, I like to be out and doing something. So this weekend it was like God was refreshing me. It was so needed and I am so grateful. Sometimes you just need to be a little spontaneous! Or at least I do.

The kids discussing the crater and how big their owies would be if the fell in.

Going through the Thurston Lava Tube

In front of the crater of the live volcano

My Sanity Milk

This post... is not very profound. Just a warning. haha!

Every night, unless I am dead beat tired, or sick or something... I sit down and I have a glass of milk. Unless we have (gasp!) run out of milk and I have to drink super cold water. This is not quite as effective but has worked in some cases. It helps keep me sane.  Even when my morning starts earlier than planned, like the other morning at 5:40am, when a giant cockroach crawled down my arm while I was in bed nursing, and I had to chase it around with a flip flop while baby was still attached (Nathaniel came to my rescue), I sit down at night after all is quiet and have a glass of milk.
By myself.
So many people have told me they do their quiet time with Jesus in the morning. It's best to start off your morning with God and everything else flows from there, they say.
But I have tried this and it seems almost physically impossible for me to wake up earlier than I have to (aka before the kids wake up and decide they are starving). Mostly because of this bad habit I have of staying up later than I should. So if I have this bad habit, I might as well put it to good use and do my quiet time at night. Most of my blogging happens at night as well since that is when I have done my quiet time (usually) and actually have something to talk about. Tonight I am doing it backwards and blogging first, quiet time second. Milk is already gone so I may have to pour a little more...
Jesus and I have come to an agreement. Maybe because I am much more enjoyable to hang out with at night since I am not as grumpy. Sometimes you just do what works for you. I love to multitask so often my 'quiet time' actually just mean 'alone time with God' because I also have music playing in my ears.
To be honest I've been slacking. Doing a blog actually helps to keep me accountable. It reminds me to keep searching and looking for inspiration from God.
If anything comes out of this post it would be, to find what's right for you. There is more than just one way to do things. I even have an app that is AWESOME called Echo to help me pray.
I put my list of prayers in it, set random times during the day and it reminds me to pray throughout the day!!! This has been so good for me. I don't enter my password on my Ipod until I have prayed for that thing. Is it dumb that I use an app for this? Maybe. I don't care. It's helpful and this is what I have found to help me. Here is the link: Echo Prayer App
Figure out how to make it work. Is it too hard to memorize scripture? Get scripture songs! Already have too much stuff in your diaper bag to carry a Bible with you to church? Get the Bible on your phone!
Trust me I'm not perfect. Anyone who knows me, knows that. But we should always be striving to improve. Even if it's a tiny step, it's still a step.
Keep walking forward.

One of those family photos that didn't quite work out. Haha.
See? Imperfect. 

Refreshment Please!

I often joke with people who say I have my hands full (Of kids) that an extra arm should grow, so that you don't have more kids than arms.

That would look atrocious. But it would be SOO handy!

Today was one of those days where things got a little nuts. Children were super tired, cranky, teething... and so on. I was about to call Nathaniel to come help, but I realized he forgot his phone. 

Bummer.

I told myself that this was fine, I could handle this by myself, I've done it before. But then I thought about my neighbor. On a whim I knocked on her door (They share our wall, and their door is only maybe six feet from ours don't worry!), and asked her to help me for a couple of minutes while I got the kids settled down. She was SO sweet and an extra set of hands was a huge help! I am so, so grateful. She even said how glad she was that I asked. Oh and did I mention she moved my laundry along for me? 

Trust me, Cookies will be baking soon as a thank you. 

It reminded me of a verse that I have highlighted in bright yellow, in my Bible. 

Philemon 1: 7

'Your love has given me much joy and comfort, my brother, for your kindness has often refreshed the hearts of God's people.'

Kindness refreshes hearts!!! It truly was so refreshing to be the recipient of her kindness and the more I thought of it the more I realize how much an act of kindness can affect someone. Even reading something, or seeing a video ABOUT acts of kindness has a refreshing effect on me. You know when it's summer and you've been outside and your sweating buckets and (in my case) look like a stewed tomato? Then you get a glass of cold water and it's like the best thing you've ever tasted? Yeah, that's refreshing. After that glass of water you are ready to go back out there again and keep going. 

Be that for someone. Help someone to keep going. 

Refreshment Please! 

"If Only You Could See Them Through My Eyes..."

It is Mother's Day weekend. Hence the onslaught of posts by mothers, to mothers, and about mothers. Why you ask? Because this is an important day. This day brings so many emotions. I run through them all.
Heart Bursting Love.... for my kids, and for my mom.
Guilt... for not being a better mom, or daughter, or granddaughter.
Excitement... thinking ahead to what will come as my kids get older.
Fear... thinking ahead to what will come as my kids get older! Haha. But for real though.
Amazement.... at the little blessings God entrusted to me.
Grief... when I think of the my grandmothers who are both gone, and those who's moms are no longer with them.

All these emotions, I need to process. I always find myself contemplating deeply around Mother's Day. I often find that guilt rides quickly on the heels of the crazy love I feel for my kids and reminds me of ALL my shortcomings as a mother, It starts listing all of my "mom fails". And that could go on forever because after just one week that list is quite lengthy.
I saw a giveaway on instagram and to enter you had to answer the question: What do you want to do on Mother's Day?
So I paused and thought about it. My first thought was, to be alone. No one touching me, asking me questions.... But then I thought, no. That would be nice for like an hour. Maybe two. But what I really want is to go somewhere that the kids love to be. Where they will be happy and I can sit there and watch them be happy and just soak in that Heart bursting love for them and let it refresh my spirit. Because that comes from God. I believe that's how He feels about us. The guilt will have to stay silent,because if I tell him to, the Devil has to FLEE from me in Jesus' name.
My conscience, that still small voice that comes from the Holy Spirit is a good thing. It helps me to see my faults, but in a gentle and loving way that brings correction.
Guilt, beats you over the head with a hammer relentlessly until you feel like nothing about you is good enough. That my friends, is not healthy, and is not from God. Please know the difference. I am speaking this to myself as well.
I was praying this morning. Because I needed to, since the the Holy Spirit had to get a little less gentle with me today until I listened. I asked God, "Why do I get SO frustrated with my kids so easily?!"
"If only you could see them through My eyes..."
Ahhh, I saw those words scroll through my brain. Yes. I allow my tiredness, my headache, my dirty house, my SELF, to fog the lenses through which I see my children. Oh that cleared my vision so quickly.
Kaleigh - Eager to please, serving, smart, beautiful, strong moral compass, creative, perseverent,  expressive, sensetive, made for something great....
Gideon - Strong, perfectionist, goofy, loving, adventurous, thoughtful, compassionate, protector, led by God
Alinah - Peaceful, joyful, observant, leader, light of life, listener of God's voice

When I see them through His eyes, my perspective can change. Prayer, and quiet time will be my windshield wipers to clear off the junk that I let get in the way of how I see them. It will help me to know how to build their strengths and to love them the way God loves them.
This is my plan. Will I fail? Yeah probably. But the beauty of this is that God knows my heart and is quick to forgive and to help.
So this Mother's day, I encourage you to see your kids as God sees them. Ask Him to tell you about your kids and their hearts. Write it down. Let that LOVE that He gave you for your children that makes your heart feel like its going to explode, and makes you feel like laughing and crying all at the same time, refresh you and give you that motivation to keep going! You are important, you are needed, and you are so loved.
Happy Mother's Day <3

The Blur Comes Into Focus

I apologize for the huge gap between posts. I don't mean for this to become the norm! After my last post, the craziness of packing, saying 'see you later' to Kona, and hopping on a plane, took over. The last two months have truly been a blur. On the 22nd of September we started our trip. Three plane rides later, our tired family flew into Chicago and then made our way to Wisconsin. We packed as many visits as we could with friends, family, and church family, into those five short days. Bittersweet to see them all but not know when we might see them again. It's rough on my emotions. And poor little sensitive K who struggled with all of the goodbyes. We packed ourselves and all our belongings into our minivan. Oh how I missed having a vehicle!! I wanted to hug and kiss that van. But that would have been gross, so I refrained from doing so. 

We spent a night in Chicago with a friend who blessed us with a great double stroller! We squeezed that into our van and then made our way to Ohio and spent some time with my sister. After a great time there we were on the road again, headed for Virginia Beach to visit Nathaniel's sister. Hitting Washington D.C. Rush hour traffic was a mistake we will hopefully NEVER make again! Eventually we made it there and had a good few days to visit. We made it to my parent's house in North Carolina on the 8th of October. Nineteen days before my due date. This gave us a little time to settle in to our new home. The RV in my parent's driveway. Although we mostly just run wild in their house, we sleep in the RV. Haha. On the nineteenth of October we had our last outing as a family of four. Along with my parents, we walked all around the North Carolina state fair enjoying the exhibits, food, and the kids enjoyed a couple of rides. 

I'm convinced that all this walking is what started the journey to becoming a family of five. 

The morning of Wednesday the 21st of October, I was talking to my friend on the phone. I remember telling her that it just felt like it would happen imminently. I was so achy and sore and felt so much pressure. That evening contractions started. Nathaniel was at work and by the time he got back at 9:00 things were starting to move along. He put the kids to bed and we realized we had no way to know if they woke up during the night, so he quick ran to Walmart for a baby monitor. The contractions were still only about six or seven  minutes apart but they were getting long and hard. I leaned heavily on Nathaniel. And then all of a sudden it hit me like a freight train. No time to rest, contractions came one after another. I told my mom (my midwife!) that if she wanted her assistant there to call her quick. She didn't make it. 

The water birth tub wasn't even filled all the way, but our baby wanted out! She was born after a few pushes into the loving hands of her Grandma. So special and it was all so perfect. Our little A is here and she is the piece that fits perfectly into our family puzzle. 7lbs. 13 ounces of cuteness, born at 2:06am on the 22nd of October. She quickly picked up on nursing, and after a while Nathaniel brought K out to meet her baby sister. She was so tired but deliriously happy to see her. Oh I'll always remember her smile the first time she saw our baby. So much love. My dad heard the baby cry and woke up to meet her. It all went so well and I'm just so grateful that we were able to come here and have this time. God has been good to us. Our family is adjusting to, and loving on, our new addition. Our hearts are so full! Meet our newest little girl...