God knew my heart needed to go home. Shortly after we made the decision that we would be going back, we found out we were expecting Kaleigh. I was so excited, I almost was afraid to believe that was real as well! I probably took five tests just to makes sure.
It was the start of God healing my heart. Because I love people. I love getting to know them, hearing their stories... We made so many friends during our time in Panama. But we also had to say goodbye so many times. I had NEVER experienced this before. My husband grew up this way but for me it was so foreign. Getting close to people and then having them move to another country 6 months later, it felt like my heart was constantly being sent in different places. Or when I would travel, meet people, and then have to leave. No matter which way it happened, it was hard.
I got tired of it to be honest. I remember one girl coming on to staff for a little while and we were both kind of in the same place where it felt like our hearts were too tender from all of the goodbyes that we had both decided separately not to befriend each other. Dumb plan didn't work. I love her anyway! And I haven't seen her since Panama.
By the time we moved back to Wisconsin I had little by little hardened my heart. In my head I rationalized it...I have enough friends, I can be friendly but not put my self out there, not everyone needs to be close to me.
I sat there in church one day during a weekly Bible study all tense in my chair, just hanging on to Kaleigh in my belly and trying so hard not to let my wall that I had built around my heart, come down. The only way I could hold it up and keep myself 'safe' was not to listen when God spoke because I know I'm not called to be isolated. But God was after me that night. He wasn't going to let me get away with it anymore, I had turned a deaf ear long enough. Through the weeks of the Bible study He had slowly been loosening my grip and that night as I closed my eyes and asked him to show me something, He gave me a picture of a bird cage. There was a bird sitting inside of it but the door was open.
I was that bird. That was my cage. The cage felt really safe, but God was showing me that the door was open. And instead of being free I was choosing to sit there and not fly! Why did God give birds wings? To FLY! And yet I was choosing a life of captivity. He wanted me to be free.
You would think after that, since it was pretty clear, that I would have just surrendered. But instead, God in all His mercy, gave me time. Brick by brick he pulled down that wall and did a work on my heart in the process. Giving me the strength to open my heart again and step out of that cage.
It's so much better out here guys. I meet new people all the time. I have so many friends from all over and I just love each one of them. I have my core friends back home that will always be my nearest and dearest. I don't know what I would do with out them.
But God can teach me so much through each new person I meet. I can relate to each person in a different way. Or always have the 'mom connection' when I see other mothers. How can we touch anyone's life if we don't invite them into ours? It may be messy, and sometimes my kids are naughty, and I'm FAR from perfect, but you are welcome to join us. I use to think hospitality was having an elaborate meal planned and the house spotless, but I'm learning more that it is welcoming people into your home whether it inconveniences you or not, and whether you were ready, or not! Helping them to feel comfortable. And if I could get my act together I'd try to at least always have snacks around! Even if my floor needs to be vacuumed.
Goodbyes are still hard. and it sucks. But I learn to keep my eyes on Him during these times. The healing process has gotten a lot faster now that I know how to turn it over to God.
I'm not really sure why I felt I should share this? Maybe to encourage someone? But most of all I just wanted to show how God can help you out of those desert times. That relationships with people can be hard but it is so worth it, and my life is richer because of the multitude of people that are in it.
John 8:36
'So if the son sets you free, You will be free indeed.'
