Scattered Pieces of My Heart

About five and a half years ago, I hit a pretty low spot. We had been in missions for about 3 1/2 years and the constant emotional ups and downs were draining me. For two of those years we had been trying to start a family and that was really draining me as well. I remember so well as we prayed about what to do next, and God opened the doors to go back to Wisconsin, that I was almost too afraid to believe it was true.
God knew my heart needed to go home. Shortly after we made the decision that we would be going back, we found out we were expecting Kaleigh. I was so excited, I almost was afraid to believe that was real as well! I probably took five tests just to makes sure.
It was the start of God healing my heart. Because I love people. I love getting to know them, hearing their stories... We made so many friends during our time in Panama. But we also had to say goodbye so many times. I had NEVER experienced this before. My husband grew up this way but for me it was so foreign. Getting close to people and then having them move to another country 6 months later, it felt like my heart was constantly being sent in different places. Or when I would travel, meet people, and then have to leave. No matter which way it happened, it was hard.
I got tired of it to be honest. I remember one girl coming on to staff for a little while and we were both kind of in the same place where it felt like our hearts were too tender from all of the goodbyes that we had both decided separately not to befriend each other. Dumb plan didn't work. I love her anyway! And I haven't seen her since Panama.
By the time we moved back to Wisconsin I had little by little hardened my heart. In my head I rationalized it...I have enough friends, I can be friendly but not put my self  out there, not everyone needs to be close to me.
I sat there in church one day during a weekly Bible study all tense in my chair, just hanging on to Kaleigh in my belly and trying so hard not to let my wall that I had built around my heart, come down. The only way I could hold it up and keep myself 'safe' was not to listen when God spoke because I know I'm not called to be isolated. But God was after me that night. He wasn't going to let me get away with it anymore, I had turned a deaf ear long enough. Through the weeks of the Bible study He had slowly been loosening my grip and that night as I closed my eyes and asked him to show me something, He gave me a picture of a bird cage. There was a bird sitting inside of it but the door was open.
I was that bird. That was my cage. The cage felt really safe, but God was showing me that the door was open. And instead of being free I was choosing to sit there and not fly! Why did God give birds wings? To FLY! And yet I was choosing a life of captivity. He wanted me to be free.
You would think after that, since it was pretty clear, that I would have just surrendered. But instead, God in all His mercy, gave me time. Brick by brick he pulled down that wall and did a work on my heart in the process. Giving me the strength to open my heart again and step out of that cage.
It's so much better out here guys. I meet new people all the time. I have so many friends from all over and I just love each one of them. I have my core friends back home that will always be my nearest and dearest. I don't know what I would do with out them.
But God can teach me so much through each new person I meet. I can relate to each person in a different way. Or always have the 'mom connection' when I see other mothers. How can we touch anyone's life if we don't invite them into ours? It may be messy, and sometimes my kids are naughty, and I'm FAR from perfect, but you are welcome to join us. I use to think hospitality was having an elaborate meal planned and the house spotless, but I'm learning more that it is welcoming people into your home whether it inconveniences you or not, and whether you were ready, or not! Helping them to feel comfortable. And if I could get my act together I'd try to at least always have snacks around! Even if my floor needs to be vacuumed.
Goodbyes are still hard. and it sucks. But I learn to keep my eyes on Him during these times. The healing process has gotten a lot faster now that I know how to turn it over to God.
I'm not really sure why I felt I should share this? Maybe to encourage someone? But most of all I just wanted to show how God can help you out of those desert times. That relationships with people can be hard but it is so worth it, and my life is richer because of the multitude of people that are in it.

John 8:36

'So if the son sets you free, You will be free indeed.'

What Really Matters

Well I almost didn't post today. (Meaning late Thursday night, I did edit this a little on Friday). To be honest... I almost didn't take a shower today! I have learned that if I let myself sit down and relax for a minute, it's really hard to get my butt back up again and do what needs to be done. My kids were clean and sleeping, and I almost joined them but decided I should be clean too.
Often for me, when I take a shower I am able to clear my head and do some thinking. I thought about the what the speaker they had tonight at the corporate base meeting, shared. I have heard Dan Baumann speak before and he has an amazing testimony to share and so much wisdom. I was excited to hear him speak again and I was able to catch snippets of what he said as I made sure my kids weren't running out to the road, or falling on the concrete as they enjoyed playing with their friends. He has written three books, and the one I read was called Imprisoned In Iran. He was a prisoner in an Iranian prison for 9 weeks. Here is a link to his website if you are interested in reading more about him and his experiences; http://www.danbaumann.com/.
He shared about Joy and being joyful in all circumstances no matter what you were going through. To be straightforward I realized how petulant and childish I was being! And of course it's not like you can just decide to be joyful. It's not something that happens automatically. I remember my mom often telling me as a child, "You need to change your attitude!". It took me a LONG time to understand how that was even possible. Because in that moment when you FEEL one way it is so easy to let your emotions guide you, and just flow with it. Choosing to stop, use your head (I look at my life and see how amazingly BLESSED I am. Look at the people in Nepal! Pastor Saeed who has been imprisoned in Iran since September of 2012! There is always something to put life back into perspective.) And chose to Praise God anyway. Emotions change. But God never does.
One thing Dan Baumann talked about was God showing him that he was enough. He is not married and went through a time where He struggled with letting God be his everything. I related to this although you may not think so (since I married at 18), but because I went through this right in the beginning of marriage. Marriage doesn't complete you, your husband sure doesn't, Because there is only ONE who completes you. God had to pull me out of my emotions and expectations in the beginning and remind me that He is the one who created me, loves me more than anyone, and can fulfill my every need and there really is no one else who can. He reminds me again, and again, whenever I need it and will listen. Sometimes my ears are sealed shut, but not tonight.
I was reading in Philippians and these verses stood out to me: 1:10-11 'For I want you to understand what really matters, so that you may live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ's return. May you always be filled with the fruit of your salvation - the righteous character produced in your life by Jesus Christ - for this will bring much glory and praise to God."
What really matters? What God has done for us! I don't want you to think that God doesn't care about whatever is going on in your life right now. I know God knows our hearts desires, and that He hurts for us when we are hurting. He wants us to go to Him for everything and cast all of our cares onto him! But the beauty of it, is that even when we are going through a desert period, or through a storm or whatever is happening, we have someone to go to who can heal that pain and help you look to better things. There is so much joy in God. He wants to fulfill us in every way and help us through the pain and past it. I know He has so much more for me and I need to be actively pursing it. Pursuing Him. Honestly I sometimes get lazy. I often get lazy. I am working on it.
This has gotten really long. But I just want to leave you with this song because so often God brings it back to my mind when I am feeling tired, and frustrated and just need Him to wash over me.

"Desert Song"

[Verse 1:]
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

(Here is the link to the music video with lyrics)
The Desert Song - Hillson


Let Him wash over you and fill those empty places that have been aching for someone to fill. I hope I can bring myself out of my self pity more often and look to Him and allow Him to just wash over me. Because there is no one else and nothing else that can do that like He can. I'm sure I don't even know the half of it.