Saturday, December 5, 2015

You Make Me Brave

Our little A had just turned one month old and the holidays were upon us. I love the holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas in particular. The fun and 'magic' of this time of year makes me so happy and I want the same thing for my kids! So one Saturday there was a Christmas parade happening in downtown Raleigh, I knew I wanted to take the kids. The problem was, Nathaniel had to work that day and I would be doing it alone. Well, we didn't get there on time, probably about twenty or thirty minutes late, but it wasn't a big deal because the parade would be 2 hours long! I loaded the two older kids into our stroller and put the baby in my ring sling. It was a bit of a load to push up the hill and through the crowds to the parade but we did it! A nice mom had her kids scootch over so mine could sit on the curb as well. I was standing but that suited fine so I could keep an eye on everything.

The parade was almost done and as it was finishing the sweet mom in front of me chatted a little and then said, "You are so brave! My baby is older than yours and I was too nervous to bring him. I left him home with his dad."
It struck me as odd that she would call ME brave. I brushed it off saying I couldn't leave the baby home since she is breastfed and her dad was working anyway, then thanked her for giving my kids a spot to sit. She was such a nice lady. As I packed the kids up to start the daunting task of fighting the crowds going back to their cars, another man with his kids and wife who had been sitting next to us, also said how brave he thought I was! I said, "You do what you've got to do, you know?" But it blew me away!
I thought, these are my kids! Who else would take them? If I can't do it, who can? What about all the single moms? (For whom I have GREAT respect, let me tell you!) Whenever I need to do something that feels like a large task, or something I'm not ready for, or something that seems really difficult, I automatically think of someone who has it worse than I do. Some women would LOVE to have three kids but have trouble conceiving. Some moms don't have a car to get where they need to go... and so on. But I never thought of myself as brave. I don't think I ever have.
This has rattled around in my brain for a while these past couple of weeks. What does it mean to be brave? I looked up the definition and this is what I found:

Brave: Feeling or showing no fear : Not afraid
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/brave

So it would end up, that I actually AM brave and I just never knew it! That day instead of dwelling on how difficult it would be, I just did it. Loaded my three kids into the car by myself, buckled them all in, drove there with a newborn who is not a fan of being in the car, found a parking spot in the craziness of all the people going to the parade, got them all to the parade and navigated around the crowd with my large stroller and a baby attached to me, and watched the parade. Instead of being afraid, I just did it. I kept a close eye on my kids to make sure I didn't lose them among the thousands of people there, I kept an eye on the stroller to make sure nobody stole our stuff, I took pictures of the parade to record the moment, and nursed my one month old, standing up with her in the sling. (What would I do if I didn't have a ring sling?!) Yes, before I left I almost ditched the idea of going at all. I was tired and it made me nervous to think of doing it by myself. But the kids loved it. They sat through that whole parade, with out fussing and it was all worth it. You do what you've got to do. I couldn't let the kids see how nervous I was. And I knew that really, I wasn't alone because God says, "Fear not! For I am with you!" (Isaiah 41:10). It is much easier to show no fear, or have no fear and be brave, when you have an all powerful God on your side. Yes! I still got flustered, I may have had a few moments of mom fail that day, like baby A peeing through all of her clothes and onto me, but it all worked out well in the end.
YOU are brave. If you are someone who feels fear just at the thought of going out in public, but you do it anyway, you are brave! If making a new friend or opening up to someone new scares the daylights out of you, but you do it anyway, YOU are brave! Do you see what I'm getting at here? The brave ones are not only people who have done amazing thing like David facing Goliath or, Daniel standing up for his beliefs knowing he would end up in the lions den. The brave ones are the people who face things that scare them, that make them nervous, and they do it anyway. They show no fear. Maybe someone else doesn't have that same fear, but they have another fear they have to face. It touched me to hear these other people giving me encouragement. The fact that I was brave in something that I thought shouldn't be a big deal (even though to me it was), and maybe helped another person be brave, is exciting. We can inspire others to face their fears,
Be an inspiration! And if you are still struggling, remember that if you ask him to be, God will be with you. As I write this a song is in my heart because it is so right for this moment.

You Make Me Brave by Amanda Cook; Bethel Music

I stand before You now
The greatness of your renown
I have heard of the majesty and wonder of you
King of Heaven, in humility, I bow

As Your love, in wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You made a way for all to enter in

I have heard You calling my name
I have heard the song of love that You sing
So I will let You draw me out beyond the shore
Into Your grace
Your grace

You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way

You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises you made
You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises you made

You Make Me Brave: Youtube video

God can make us brave, the love for your children or someone close to you, can make you brave.
YOU are brave.

Saturday, November 14, 2015

The Blur Comes Into Focus


I apologize for the huge gap between posts. I don't mean for this to become the norm! After my last post, the craziness of packing, saying 'see you later' to Kona, and hopping on a plane, took over. The last two months have truly been a blur. On the 22nd of September we started our trip. Three plane rides later, our tired family flew into Chicago and then made our way to Wisconsin. We packed as many visits as we could with friends, family, and church family, into those five short days. Bittersweet to see them all but not know when we might see them again. It's rough on my emotions. And poor little sensitive K who struggled with all of the goodbyes. We packed ourselves and all our belongings into our minivan. Oh how I missed having a vehicle!! I wanted to hug and kiss that van. But that would have been gross, so I refrained from doing so. 
We spent a night in Chicago with a friend who blessed us with a great double stroller! We squeezed that into our van and then made our way to Ohio and spent some time with my sister. After a great time there we were on the road again, headed for Virginia Beach to visit Nathaniel's sister. Hitting Washington D.C. Rush hour traffic was a mistake we will hopefully NEVER make again! Eventually we made it there and had a good few days to visit. We made it to my parent's house in North Carolina on the 8th of October. Nineteen days before my due date. This gave us a little time to settle in to our new home. The RV in my parent's driveway. Although we mostly just run wild in their house, we sleep in the RV. Haha. On the nineteenth of October we had our last outing as a family of four. Along with my parents, we walked all around the North Carolina state fair enjoying the exhibits, food, and the kids enjoyed a couple of rides. 
I'm convinced that all this walking is what started the journey to becoming a family of five. 
The morning of Wednesday the 21st of October, I was talking to my friend on the phone. I remember telling her that it just felt like it would happen imminently. I was so achy and sore and felt so much pressure. That evening contractions started. Nathaniel was at work and by the time he got back at 9:00 things were starting to move along. He put the kids to bed and we realized we had no way to know if they woke up during the night, so he quick ran to Walmart for a baby monitor. The contractions were still only about six or seven  minutes apart but they were getting long and hard. I leaned heavily on Nathaniel. And then all of a sudden it hit me like a freight train. No time to rest, contractions came one after another. I told my mom (my midwife!) that if she wanted her assistant there to call her quick. She didn't make it. 
The water birth tub wasn't even filled all the way, but our baby wanted out! She was born after a few pushes into the loving hands of her Grandma. So special and it was all so perfect. Our little A is here and she is the piece that fits perfectly into our family puzzle. 7lbs. 13 ounces of cuteness, born at 2:06am on the 22nd of October. She quickly picked up on nursing, and after a while Nathaniel brought K out to meet her baby sister. She was so tired but deliriously happy to see her. Oh I'll always remember her smile the first time she saw our baby. So much love. My dad heard the baby cry and woke up to meet her. It all went so well and I'm just so grateful that we were able to come here and have this time. God has been good to us. Our family is adjusting to, and loving on, our new addition. Our hearts are so full! Meet our newest little girl...


Saturday, September 5, 2015

Terror In their Eyes

These last couple of weeks here have been filled with rain, and even thunderstorms. For me, this has been wonderful because it brings some relief from the intense heat and sun beating down on you! During the day, a thunderstorm is great fun for the kids but night time is a different story...for G. I remember as a child being terrified of thunderstorms. I'd often end up crawling into my parent's bed and then I would feel safe again. K has no such worries, she just sleeps. But one night after everyone was asleep, about 10:30 P.M. or so, there was a bright flash of lightning and right away a LOUD crack of thunder. As soon as I saw the lightning I sat up waiting for the thunder that would come, and figuring they would both wake up. K stayed asleep but poor G (2 1/2 yrs. old) leaped out of his bed. The light was just right so that I could look in his eyes and see pure terror. It was heart wrenching. Nathaniel grabbed him and quickly snuggled him and I sat there and thought about it for a minute. In this situation, it later would become something cute and kind of funny. And it has. But I started thinking about so many children right now who have real terror in their eyes because of horrible things that are happening. As a parent, to watch your child be scared is such a sad thing and you automatically want to protect them and make it all better. In our situation we could, easily bring G into our bed and let him feel safe and know nothing bad was going to happen. But right now all over the world things are happening that so many parents have to watch their children be terrified, and there is nothing they can do.
It must be breaking their hearts into the tiniest pieces.
I cried that night for those parents and those kids. I cried today for them. (I just cry a lot in general these days). I watched a video of the refugees coming out of Syria and Iraq and being turned away at the borders of Europe. The scared and crying faces of the children just tear your heart in two. The helplessness that the parents, siblings, and grandparents must feel, is heartbreaking. I can't imagine being in their places. It was so eye opening for me to see that terror on G's face, it was just a glimpse of what it's like for other kids and parents in this world. Specifically I felt to pray for those refugees. How would it feel to think you were taking your children somewhere safe, only to be turned away right back into the terror you are fleeing? No where to go? I pray for them. I hope you pray for them too. I found a great article with many different options for ways to help these people. How to help the people who are there helping them. I will share it here.
Click HERE to read more about how to help the refugees!
We are blessed. So blessed to live where we do. I have never known the terror that these  people have face, and some are facing daily. I don't want to take that for granted.

My friend's husband, Steve Schallert is a very gifted song writer/musician and this song of his has been running through my head and my heart and become my prayer.

Jesus 
God of the poor 
Liberator 
Friend of the weak 

Jesus 
Light of the world 
These weary bones 
Tremble and weep 

Heal every heart 
Heal every soul 
Heal the violence we carry 
The blood in the soil 

There is blood in the soil!

A Song Of Lamentation - Steve Schallert

Monday, August 31, 2015

Still Just a Child

As I get larger, and larger (I am informed by K that the baby is getting REALLY big!), I find I rely on my four year old daughter more than I did before. If I drop something, and it falls right by my feet that I can barely see anymore, I might call her over from across the room to pick it up for me. She will go get things for me, and help me with the dustpan so I don't have to bend over while sweeping. The other day she took it upon herself to fold a load of clean laundry! Of course it wasn't perfect, and daddy had to fold his own shirts because they were just too big! But I am beginning to wonder how I was pregnant and got along with out her here. We started a little piggy bank of sorts, for her to collect dimes and nickels for when she helps with chores that are a little bigger than the normal, picking up her toys or putting her clothes in the laundry. She informs us that when she collects enough, she will share them with us. SO sweet!
My daughter is a very determined girl, and eager to learn. When she got it in her head that she wanted to do the monkey bars, she practiced and practiced. There were tears, she fell a couple times, and she even got blisters on her little hands. But she did it! Now she can go there, and back, one bar to the next without a problem. Now her next thing is wanting to swim the width of a small pool. Why am I telling you this? Well for one, I'm so proud of her! But the other day I yelled at her for something, I don't even remember what it was, and after I did that was one of the few times I felt God stop me and speak to me. "She is still a child."
Oh man. I'm tearing up again. How could I have been so foolish?! She can be so independent, helpful, and smart, that somewhere along the way I started having these odd, adult like, expectations of her. K is only FOUR. THREE years ago she was just barely walking. This is me being honest here. I am not proud of this. It was like I was expecting her to act like an adult. Not all the time, but this is definitely something I need to work on. She is still a child..., the fact that God had to stop me like that shows me how crazy I was getting. Tonight before bedtime, I asked Nathaniel to give her a quick shower and he looked up and was like, "Can't she do that by herself by now?" So you see, I'm not the only one. She really seems mature beyond her years sometimes. Dude, she's four! Although to be honest, she needs very little supervision for that task now!
This morning I took time to cuddle with her. Walking home from church and the pool, we stopped for an ice cream at McDonalds and her stomach doesn't handle dairy very well. Our double stroller's wheels broke so we have been using the single one again. Which means she was walking home. She started crying about her tummy hurting. Now I'm just being honest, we have a big drama queen for a daughter. So sometimes it's a little hard to know when she is genuine, and when it is just an exaggeration. "She is still a child."
We carried her until her stomach was settled enough that she could walk.
Tonight I was puzzling over what I could from learn from this on a spiritual level. Obviously as a mom, I have a LOT to learn. But I wanted to know how I could apply this to my walk with God. What was He trying to tell me? These verses came to me:
Matthew 18:2-4 (NLT)
Jesus called a little child to him and put the child among them. Then he said, "I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven. So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven."
The second part of that passage is also very convicting but I will stick with this part. Even after this came to my mind I was still a little confused. Then It came to me that the way I was treating K, was how I had come to treat myself when it comes to my relationship with God. Let's see if I can explain this. I had started telling myself that I needed to toughen up. Life can be hard, things are going to happen, and I just need to deal with stuff. Work harder, do more, (but it's never enough), be a better person... and that would be fine. But I was not even asking for help from God. As if I had taken on the crazy belief that I was old enough now that I should be able to just deal with these things with out always having to run to God. What a quick way to make yourself tired, and worn out.
We are God's children! As a parent I can for sure say that I always want K and G and Baby Bean #3 to be able to come to me, asking for advice, or needing emotional support, or whatever. I don't want that to stop when they are 'old enough'. There is no age limit for needing your parent. Maybe it might be something trivial, but I would still be so glad that they trusted me enough to come to me.
God wants that with us. Think back to when you were a child and would run to your parents first thing. You didn't feel silly, you just knew that being by your mom or dad would help somehow to make you feel better. Oh how I feel for those kids that don't know that kind of comfort. My heart aches for them... I want them all to know that they can have that comfort, in God. The same way I did as a child, I need to do now. God should be the FIRST one I run to when I am feeling overwhelmed, upset, mad, alone, or whatever. My Father God is always waiting with his arms wide open, ready to hold me and give me peace. I need to stop trying to be so 'grown up' and learn that it will be lot lighter of a load to carry if I allow God to carry it.
Just observing these little people that God has trusted me to take care of, I am learning so much about him and his character. We need to never stop learning and seeking the truth. The same as K asks me almost every day to do school with her, (even weekends!), I need to be seeking God out on a daily basis ready to learn something. It's easier to blog about than to actually put it into practice. But I'm a work in progress. :)

Folding Laundry 

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Return to the Mainland!

Our time here in Hawaii is more than halfway done! 

It has been a busy yet fulfilling time and we still have a month left. When we started thinking about our next step with the baby coming we felt it would be best to return to the mainland for a little bit. Reconnect with our friends and church family back in WI, (although we only have about 5 days there) tie up some lose ends and make our way down to North Carolina where my (Elizabeth's) parents are. We hope to visit our sisters on the way down. It will be a great help to be with my parents when the baby comes, it will give me the freedom to fully recover while having help with the kids and baby.
What we were really hoping not to have to do, however, is ask for help with coming back. We had saved up money for the school and we are so grateful for the people that generously helped us get down here. The cost of living here was just more than we anticipated.
So we need to ask for your help. If we can get $1500 for the plane tickets, we will have enough for the road trip down to North Carolina. Every little bit helps, and we would be so grateful! We have set up a GoFundMe account, but if you are more comfortable using paypal or sending a check to our church (Sending a check to the church would be tax deductible), then I will also put that info at the bottom of this post.
It has been so cool to see Nathaniel find something that he is really good at, and really loves doing. I think he has found his niche. Someday after baby and our family are ready, we hope to come back here so he can continue working with the film internship close to the YWAM base here. As plans go, it is of course a tentative one, as we know to be always open to wherever God leads us. But right now that is what we are thinking.
Once again thank you so much to those of you who are praying for us and if you are able to help even a little that would be a huge blessing to us! I have put the different ways for donating down at the bottom of this post.
Blessings!
Tracy Family
Elizabeth, Nathaniel, Kaleigh, Gideon, and Baby Bean #3





Send offerings and support to:
Good News Christian Center, 2293 Prairie Ave. Beloit, WI 53511.
Make checks payable to: GNCC with the memo saying 'support for Nathaniel and Elizabeth Tracy'.

Or go to www.paypal.com, press: 'Send Money' and enter: soccer_g_p@yahoo.com

Saturday, August 15, 2015

An iPod Testimony

Have you ever thought it was silly to pray about keys that you lost? You just can't find them, but feel like God probably has more important things to do than help you find something that should have just put back into your purse? 
I've felt that way. God has shown me many different times that He cares about the small things. I will share one of these times with you. (This literally JUST happened). 
Here in Hawaii I don't have a phone. Every now and then I can borrow the one Nathaniel uses but here, my way of communicating has been my iPod. Well on Thursday I had set my iPod to airplane mode so I could let K play on it while I finished my last 15 minutes at the boutique, working. The battery died and after I charged it, the iPod screen would not respond to me touching it. At all. I figured no big deal and hooked it up to my computer. Nothing I tried worked because I was unable to enter the lock code and it was not hooked up to the Internet. I spent probably over an hour on the apple chat with tech support trying to figure it out and we ran into a dead end at every turn. They finally said my only option was to take it into a store and have them troubleshoot it. That would be no big deal except the closest store is about 10 minutes away... If you have a car. That's a little too far of a walk for me. I was so frustrated. I also wasn't sure if I would end up needing to pay for a repair. We really have no money for that. Finally today I had one more idea. I sat K down and told we were going to pray this worked. So we did. 
It looked like it was going to work (putting it in recovery mode and restoring it that way, therefore bypassing the passcode and the iCloud 'find my phone' feature). Then it stopped and said it wouldn't work. I tried twice. I was so bummed. I unplugged it, and guess what?! You guessed it! It works! So not only did I not have to restore it and lose everything on my iPod, but I am positive that God answered our prayer and of course He had a better idea than I did. We quickly sat down again and thanked Him for answering our prayers. I took the chance to encourage K that she can talk to God about everything, even if it seems silly. 

Maybe to some people this seems like no big deal. But right now I feel loved and well taken care of. God cares about what you care about. And He cared about what my broken iPod meant to me. 

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Rivers of living water...Let us not grow weary

So I am quickly learning that with each pregnancy, I get more emotional. I notice it worsening with each child. Maybe I shouldn't have a lot of kids! Hahaha. But today I was thinking back on last week until today, and it dawned on me how great God was at taking care of me. After the Thursday meeting, two Thursdays ago, I was so happy and pumped up for God. Things had gone so well with the kids playing quietly that I could actually soak in the message and enjoy worship and I felt so refreshed. Then the weekend hit and it was just hard. No particular reason exactly, just a bunch of things all together. My hip has been hurting badly and I'm not able to get to a chiropractor until we get back to WI, that has been frustrating. My Aunt is in the hospital, not doing well so of course I'm worried and sad. Also the kids just seemed to hit a bumpy spot with their attitudes and behavior so that didn't help. Plus it was SO HOT! Ok, let me rephrase that; me and my big pregnant self are SO HOT.
So it just ended up being a kind of hard weekend. I didn't even realize it until at worship the following Monday morning the leader upfront said how he had experienced a very difficult weekend. He felt that after such a great moment on Thursday, the spiritual attack from the enemy had come down really hard on the weekend and he said for those of us that felt that same way, to raise your hand and the people around you would pray for you.
I have been avoiding people praying for me. I know that sounds dumb but with my hormones always putting me on the verge of tears, and how much I really don't like crying in public, I have been avoiding it. So prideful.
I snuck my hand up because I needed prayer. The kids and I were tucked in a corner and I was on floor with them trying to keep them occupied and as they wiggled around my hand quickly came back down and I figured I'd pray about it later (rolls my eyes) and deal with them now.
Well God knew I needed prayer no matter how prideful I was going to be about it and a man came up to me and said, he had seen my hand go up and asked if he could pray for me. Yes. Oh brother, tears already. I just said it had been a very stressful weekend. As he prayed for me tears just poured down my cheeks and G sat in my lap kind of worried about me. I definitely needed that. At the end of the prayer he said that my kids were great and I said I had been really blessed.
"Also a lot of great parenting I'm sure." He said. It was a sweet encouragement.

I have learned this week that God knows our love languages better than anyone else. One of my main languages is words of affirmation. Not that I run around fishing for compliments (at least I hope I don't!) but as much as I feel a bit awkward when someone says something to me and I'm often not sure how to respond correctly, it is like balm to my soul.
Different times during this past week people have stopped me to say how great of a mom they thought I was, or how well I was doing with my husband being so busy...
I'M NOT SAYING THIS TO BOAST. You may not believe me since I already admitted to having a pride issue. But this doesn't happen all the time. I don't have people say things like that to me everyday, far from it. I'm saying this to show how much God cares and looks after the little things. It was very specific to this week and God knowing what I needed. Whether it was a single person who said they really admired what I was doing or a fellow mom saying I was doing great, each time it was God giving me words of affirmation that he knew would be healing to me. Amazingly it took me until today to really see it. Today one of Nathaniel's leaders asked me about what would be best for their shooting schedule for me and the kids. I was able to ask that Nathaniel not be busy (if possible) when I worked at the boutique. I knew it might not be an option, and I told him if not, that it was ok. But just the fact that he cared enough to ask and to show that he valued our family and he said he knew it must be hard just with the kids all day, meant a lot to me.
And then I realized God had been watering my heart. Renewing my purpose. One of my friends recently told me that she felt God telling her that moms are rivers of living water in their homes. Not that they CAN be, but that they ARE. Even if we don't feel like it. This week God was raining his love down into my river of living water that had been feeling a little dry. He filled it back up. I am so thankful for how He deals with our hearts.
I have been more consciously leaving my Ipod at home, or in my stroller or whatever so that I can be FULLY in the moment with my kids. Helping K with the monkey bars, push the kids on the swing, encourage G to count every step, so he learns his numbers. I had so many precious moments today when I looked into their faces and they were just radiating love. I keep trying to memorize their faces how they are right now. The expressions they make, the funny phrases they say, or things they do. I wish I could record it all or get pictures of everything. I want to really have these moments imprinted on my mind as they get older. As the training gets more complicated, as they get more independent. It seems so overwhelming at times.
I'm so thankful that God poured love into me this past week. I'm thankful that I finally realized it and can now embrace it. This verse came to my mind tonight:
Galatians 6:9 (ESV)
"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up."

I'm not giving up. Who could give up on these cuties??


Friday, July 31, 2015

Baby Worshiper

Every Monday morning and every Thursday evening here at the U of N campus we have corporate worship. Before the actual meeting you can hear the drums going and the people singing as they practice their set list for that day. As soon as K hears it she gasps and says, "Mommy we are missing worship!!".
"No honey they are practicing, we will go down when it starts..." Every Monday and Thursday.
I love her worshiper heart. She loves to dance and sing and raise her hands in worship. She doesn't always last the whole time, especially if she doesn't know the song, but her excitement to be there is so good for me. Often on Monday mornings I'm exhausted and just wishing I could have a cup of coffee (The baby has put it's foot down and no longer lets me feel ok when I drink coffee), but K is ready and telling me to hurry so we don't miss it.
I also love worship. So many times when my heart is twisting with frustration and heavy with whatever is going on, worship is where I can let that all go and cry out to my Father again. It's always been something I loved. I'm so glad she pushes me to go sometimes even when I don't feel like it right away. Thursdays they even have a kid's class with snacks, but K finds that overwhelming and says she would rather come with me to worship.
You can learn so much from children. There was a short time where she just sat in the stroller completely uninterested in worship. This was so sad to me. I tried to figure out why. I'd often let her go and play with the other kids during the meeting instead of staying close and then I was worried trying to chase after her and G hoping they didn't fall and get hurt or make a really loud noise. My worship time ended up being fruitless. It almost seemed pointless to go. Finally after talking to some other mom's, including my mother in law, I decided I need to keep the kids close to me. I sat down with K and G (although G wouldn't really understand being only 2) and explained that they would be staying close to me, and I told them that we go to worship because because He loves to hear us sing praises to Him and we want to sing to Him because we are so happy and grateful for all He has done because He loves us. I put together a bag with a blanket, toys, coloring books and now I have added snacks. After the songs (Or on Monday since it's only worship and no talking, I say after a few songs) they can sit on the blanket, play with the toys and eat their snack.
It doesn't always work the best. We had a few training moments. Last week I thought it was amazing because they got through a whole 2 hour meeting no problem and I was astounded. (God knew I needed that meeting!) This week we didn't last as long but still, when that music turns on, I see the kids dancing and it melts my heart. K sometimes just seems to really be praising God and I pray that is something that stays so strong in her. I snapped a couple of pictures tonight. So you know she obviously wasn't just mimicking me, because I wasn't paying great attention but instead I was taking pictures! It brought tears to my eyes watching her. But then propelled me to put down my ipod quickly and focus on God. One picture is blurry because she is dancing but it is so sweet I added it anyway.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

His Plans

When I was a little girl I remember always playing that I got married and had kids. Besides every once in a while being 'deserted on an island', that was usually our go to game. Family. I always loved babies, I would hold them every chance I got and play with them. When I got old enough, I baby sat. I remember hopping on my bicycle when I was about 14 or so and riding around our neighborhood out in the country and introducing my self to families and letting them know I babysat and giving them my number. (I think back on that now and some of those people had me babysit and had never met me before!! Craziness.)
I sought out taking care of kids. My first 'real' job was as a swimming instructor to young kids. I still miss that job because I loved it.
It is just part of the American Dream that I always figured I would have to finish high school, Go to college and THEN think about raising a family. When I met my husband we still both really had that mentality. I was 17 when we were finally 'official' and he was 18. He had plans to go to college for aviation and I was going to go to college in Chicago for nursing. Besides thinking it would be really fun to live in Chicago, I really didn't want to go to college. I love the medical field but at that time I felt NO desire to be going to school. Nathaniel at first would have been only a couple hours away from me, but then that option wouldn't work out and the only other option was him going to Arizona for school. The more we prayed and tried to figure things out, the less we felt going to college was our next step. Our parents prayed, we prayed, and through that time we eventually decided to get married quickly (we had three months to plan the wedding) and go do a five month Discipleship Training School in Panama. I was 18 and he was 19 when we married.
It was so out of the normal, and yet it felt just right for us. Many people advised us against getting married so young but we knew what God had told us. It has been 8 years and we have two kids and another on the way. It hasn't always been easy, we had a lot of growing up to do together and still do! But I do believe God led us and we have been walking in His leading ever since.
I was talking to a girl yesterday. She was my age and she asked about when I got married and everything. She looked SO discouraged to find out I already had two kids and another on the way and had already been married for 8 years. I almost thought she was going to cry. My heart went out to her and I really didn't know all what to say. Now I was encountering the opposite of what I usually heard, and here was a girl who was wondering if she had done something wrong and that was why she wasn't married yet. She said she had never really had a boyfriend and asked if that was bad. Oh how the lies of this world can mess with your mind! Of course that's not wrong! She always prayerfully considered a man and became his friend first and was led by God. Just because you are doing it the right way, doesn't mean it will happen right away. I tried to encourage her and tell her how awesome and great it was that she was waiting and that it took so much strength. Living a life where you are being led by God is not always easy, and it doesn't usually go as you planned. Two years ago Hawaii was not even a location in my mind that I thought we would ever live. But I am taught something new every place we go. I am SO blessed that my childhood dream of getting married and becoming a mommy happened early and I wouldn't change a thing. But I look up to the women who don't lower their expectations and won't settle for less than God has for them because they know they are the daughters of the Most High King and He has just the right one for them! And I also have a great respect for those women that have accepted that God will be the only One and they have learned how to love him for all they are worth.
It would be so hard to do life on your own. I can't imagine going through the drama of boyfriend, husband, two years of infertility, and now being a mom and moving constantly, all by myself. I am so grateful to be led.
One of my favorite verses and one that always challenges me is:
Jeremiah 29:11 'For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'
So much comfort in that verse. And when I pray about the future, there are desires in my heart, and things that I want to do, but at the same time I feel that the time for that will come and right now I need to keep at the task at hand. Supporting Nathaniel through this journey while at the same time being the best mom I can. So that leaves me with plenty of homework and things to keep me busy!
The safest place is in God's will. There's no place that I'd rather be.


Monday, July 13, 2015

Tender Care

1 Thessalonians 5:14 - 19 (NLT)
'Brothers and sister, we urge you to warn those who are lazy. Encourage those who are timid. Take tender care of those who are weak. Be patient with everyone. See that no one pays back evil for evil, but always try to do good to each other and to all people. Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. Do not stifle the Holy Spirit. '

Another mommy blog. I read this and I see some simple instructions for me as a mom, as a wife. Do I warn my kids when they are being lazy? Or do I let them stay lazy? Nathaniel pointed out to me how much I was just carrying G around or pushing G and K around in the stroller. Not that it's bad to carry your kids but really the cafeteria is right by our house and it's good for them to get some walking in. Especially as the baby is coming soon and it just makes my hip hurt to carry G or push the stroller. I can cheer them on as they march up the steps to go eat and say what a great job they are doing. Kids feel accomplishment when they achieve something. Am I encouraging then when they are scared to do something? To stand up when they need to? Am I being patient with them? (NO!) Am I teaching them to be patient? (Hard to learn if they don't have a good example). Teach them to do good in all situations even when evil has been done to them? We get to practice this one a lot lately. Not that the kids here are evil, but kids are kids and don't always do the nicest things to each other, and I need to show them how to respond. Always be joyful! When I was morning sick and felt so gross I tried to still model being joyful even when I didn't feel good. An easy thing to practice in a community, because you get lots of opportunities. Every meal time, when I would feel awful I would work hard to still greet people with a smile and wave. I want my kids to learn to do the same. I encourage them to smile back at all the nice people that think they are so cute and love to say hi to them. I want them to be courteous. It can really make a persons day having a little kid smile big and greet them.
Never stop praying... Oh that still needs work. Always a work in progress. Also being thankful in all circumstances.
But one that really struck me was to not stifle the Holy Spirit. Oh I remember when I was single, or married with no kids and when I would pray and ask to hear from God how quickly He would answer me. Not always. But much of the time. Why do I not use such a valuable tool in my daily life in one of the most important jobs I have ever had?! Raising kids! If I would simply take a second and quickly ask God how to handle a situation when it arises with my kids or my husband, how much better would the outcome be? It doesn't take long really, although it may take me a little time to get back into practice. All I can think about right now is how invaluable that information or gentle nudge from God would be. I could protect my children's little hearts so much if I had better direction on how to discipline them and guide them. Sometimes I feel so lost or I really know that I blew it in a situation, (probably my whole apartment building knows and shakes their head about how I could have handled that much better!) But I have the Holy Spirit saying, 'Do not stifle me!'. And I stifle away. We even had a mom's meeting where the speaker talked about this some. How much God can help guide us as we raise our kids if we just ASK him too! Lord I'm asking!! I'm ready for guidance. I'm ready. At least I am tonight. When they are sleeping and so peaceful! Haha. I have so much to be thankful for. Especially coming home tonight to see my husband had cleaned. This pregnant lady almost cried. From grumpy to weepy in a second. So cliche. Grateful for him and for my energetic kids who went to bed with no problem tonight. Counting my blessings!
These are just my thoughts. Things I need to be mindful of, and work on continuously. I want to be tender again to the Holy Spirit and His guidance. Being a mom doesn't change my ability to hear from Him.
And I need to tenderly care for these little hearts that God has entrusted me with. Sometimes the ones closest to you can hurt you the most and I don't want that to be me with my kids. I want to nurture them and to protect them. The best way for me to do that is to let God work on MY heart and let his love overflow onto my family. Instead of my pregnancy hormones that mostly seem to generate overflowing grumpiness. I chose love.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Tracy Newsletter - Transitions

Transition





Nathaniel and His Class

On June 30th (which was also our 8th anniversary!), Nathaniel graduated from the School Of Digital Film making through the University of the Nations. We are so proud of him! He did very well in the school, and has already been asked to help with several short films while he is doing the next step, which is the three month internship. On the 26th of June it was 'Premier Night' for his school where they showed all of the short films that were made during the last three months. Nathaniel had two films, and one of them had K as one of the stars. So it was also her debut as an actress! They were both very excited. The films were so fun to watch and it was so great to see all they had accomplished. Of course I am rather partial to Nathaniel's films. His first was entitled; 'The Door' and it was about the trap of falling into temptation and the second was 'Perception', all about a man who threw away everything, simply because he was not realizing all that he already had.

Starting officially tomorrow is the internship for the film school. He will gain more experience in filming, and get to work with people who have more experience. Also he will have a chance to shoot another short film since the equipment is available for him to use while he is doing the internship. This school officially ends on September 23rd. Our hope, and our plan as of now is to travel back to Wisconsin soon after, visit for a little while and then road trip down to North Carolina where my parents live and have the baby there. We will stop and visit my sister and his sister along the way. (Quickly of course so that we get there in time!)
The Miracle Nap
Right now on base it is 'transition week'. Other schools left on outreach, or went home, and tomorrow is 'arrival day' where all the people for the next quarter show up. It won't be as busy as last quarter though. It's so very different during transition week. The base is so quiet. It's rather peaceful! As I am writing this I just hear the sweet sounds of the birds outside and our fans blowing on me. BOTH kids are napping so I am seizing the moment. We had a couple of days where some friends let us use their car and we were able to go to the other side of the island and see some water falls, a small zoo, and go to a small mall! It was a fun little road trip and good for our family to spend some quality time together.

I was blessed to find a place as staff this quarter. I get to help two times a week at the boutique that I wrote about earlier where God provided a stroller for us! It is such a great ministry and I am happy to do what I can to help. It also helps lower our living costs on base if I am staff. A win, win situation!
Baby bean #3 is doing well (we are 24 weeks along now) and we found out that we will be having a girl! So excited for the fun little girl clothes to come. G is over his whooping cough and I am so grateful for the different things I found to help him through that time. I really felt God's hand over that whole situation. Please keep K in your prayers as she still has a cough that is just not wanting to be shaken. The doctors have no idea what it's from. Part of it could be the polluted air here because of the volcanic ash that is in the air. It can make it really hard for people to get over coughs. We are also trying to keep her away from dairy to see if that helps. Hard for a Wisconsin girl. Prayer for finances is also appreciated as we start looking at the prices for tickets back to the mainland, and the cost of getting down to NC. It can seem a little overwhelming at times, but we really feel that God will provide.
Hopefully soon I will be able to share Nathaniel's short films so you all can see them. I know that makes him nervous, but I think they are wonderful! Also K is such a cute little actress.  We hope you all are doing well!

Blessings from the Tracy family!

Family Selfie On the 4th of July

Send offerings and support to:
Good News Christian Center, 2293 Prairie Ave. Beloit, WI 53511.
Make checks payable to: GNCC with the memo saying 'support for Nathaniel and Elizabeth Tracy'.
Or go to www.paypal.com, press: 'Send Money' and enter: soccer_g_p@yahoo.com

Friday, June 26, 2015

New Every Morning

Things are stirring here on the YWAM base at University of the Nations in Kona. This is part of the YWAM life, it's bringing back so many memories. Discipleship Training Schools (DTS's) and so many other schools are either coming to an end or getting ready to go on their outreaches to other countries. The constant change brings a freshness and an excitement that you just don't see everywhere. It really helps you to see that 'His mercies are new every morning'!
Lamentations 3:22 - 23 (ESV)
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end;
They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.

What an amazing thing! What a great promise! It can be so easy to forget when life silently falls into a routine and we lose sight of the new things God wants to do in our lives. I think of how much my 4 year old daughter (K) really doesn't like change. She resists it. K wants to wear the same dresses, play with the same people, always wear the same shoes...and so on. But being part of a family that is open to wherever the Lord is leading has forced her to confront this very often. Because God often tells it's time for a change! It is so good for her. As much as I don't love the backlash that comes from a move, or people leaving, I know it is helping her to grow. I know how she feels, because often in the beginning I am resistant to change as well. My goal is to help her to lean on a God who NEVER changes but has new things for her all the time. I want Him to be our constant that we can hold on to.

Tomorrow (Friday) is the premier of all the short films that the students have made during the School of Digital Film Making and the School of Acting for the Screen. Nathaniel has two films that will be premiered and we couldn't be more proud. K will have her 'acting debut' as well. She is in two of the films. (One of them being her daddy's final project). I have seen some of the footage and I am really looking forward to seeing the finished product. He has put so much into his work. And so have all of his other classmates.

This weekend and next week we will be saying goodbye to many of our new friends, some of whom we will see for a few days when they return from outreach. So now we enter a new phase.
The excitement the students and staff have of expecting God to do something great during outreach is contagious. We will keep them in our prayers. Nathaniel will have a few days off where we will really enjoy having him around and then he begins his internship.

I know so many people have been praying for us, and we are grateful. I can feel the support of prayer. Please continue to pray for us as we start this new phase of life. After the internship ends at the end of September our hope is to head back to WI for a little bit and visit, then make our way down through Ohio to visit my sister, Virginia to visit Nathaniel's sister, and then have enough time to make it to North Carolina where my parents live for the baby to come. So many exciting things coming and we have a lot to look forward to!
At Rainbow Falls

Our little girl! AKA Baby Bean #3 at 21 weeks

Playing with friends and beating the heat!



Monday, June 22, 2015

Alert and Thankful

I was doing my Bible reading one night a few nights ago in Colossians. There was one particular verse that really stood out to me. Paul says to the church in Colosse   To "Devote themselves to prayer with ALERT minds and THANKFUL hearts". (Chapter 4 verse 2, emphasis my own). It made me think about why he had to say that. I pray often through the day. I could do better, you always can but I feel I often try to have a running dialogue with God. So why did this verse pop out at me so much? 
It struck me that as a woman, we are good multitaskers. I for one, often feel the need to be doing one thing while I am doing another. Like I am eating a late night snack as I write this! Hehe. So I am often doing something else or, like when I pray for the kids at night I am sometimes even thinking of something else, while I pray. Trying to do more than one thing at once. How can I feel God giving me the words to pray or even hear an answer from Him if I am not actually listening or paying attention!? Also I often hear people pray or I often start praying when I am upset, frustrated, stressed, or worried. Etc. But God has done so much for us, why would we not praise Him? So not to just speak to him with problems but to also come to Him when we are thankful, and to remember to thank Him when He answers prayers or provides for us. Paul knew the importance of setting apart times where you are just focusing on prayer, and talking to God. Why would he say to be alert? What are we being alert to? God! He is the one we are having a conversation with so we should be alert to His gentle prompting. He can be very subtle and you can often miss what He is saying completely if you are paying no attention. A conversation should be both ways. 
Anyway I obviously was very convicted by this! I have so many areas I need to work on and this is one of them. I just hope this can inspire someone else too. Because God loves to speak to His children. 

Friday, June 12, 2015

Nothing's gonna hold me back...

So in a previous post I remember mentioning how exhausted I was. Well I was, but this is a whole new level. At the end of April K started having a bad cough. It's something that's going around and also a health issue I believe I need to figure out with her (a food intolerance of some sort that pulls her immune system down so much that every time she gets sick it turns into this nasty cough that lasts for weeks). So sleep started getting interrupted on a regular bases by her coughing fits. I have taken her in two different times to the doctor and each time they could find nothing wrong with her and thought I was a little crazy. Sigh. Such is my life. Then, just as she was finally showing improvement at the end of May G started coughing. No!! Also I got the news about my Grandma. G's cough turned bad quickly and I took him in knowing this was different than K's. He couldn't breath during coughing fits and ended up puking one time. It was so scary. Then he was diagnosed with whooping cough. 
Oh.... The guilt. I had prayed and read about vaccines and which ones to do if I should do them before we moved, and that was one of the vaccines I had felt I should get them up to date on. And a few others. Living in community is a whole different ball game and I had felt I should get them up to do date on some things. Well I got pregnant and was so morning sick, I put it off and figured I'd do it in Hawaii. Then its so hard to get around here and insurance took so long to get together that I put it off again. All lame excuses. But that's how it went down. My poor baby. And of course we were quarantined to our room while the antibiotic ran its course so he would no longer be contagious. (K didn't have it). During this time my Grandma passed away. 
To put it lightly, I have a bucket of tears ready at each eye for whoever asks me how I'm doing. Bring a towel if you plan on asking me so you can clean up the mess please. Being pregnant, tired, and sad puts all your emotions out there like nothing else. 
At the same time, God always brings hope and healing. During worship two weeks ago they played a song and the chorus says;
'Nothing's gonna hold me back, Nothing's gonna keep me, from loving you for all you are worth'. 
I know in the song this is meant to be us singing this to God. And yes!! That's how it should be. NOTHING should hold me back, because I was made to love Him and He deserves my love through all situations. Also my kids, that nothing should hold me back from loving them because this is a precious time and I need to use it wisely. 
But that day when I was singing that song, we sang the chorus quite a few times. And I felt God switching it around. I felt HIM saying that to ME. 
Guys I almost broke down there in front of everybody. Bring out the towels. 
'Nothing's gonna hold me back, Nothing's gonna keep me, from loving you for all you are worth'. 

NOTHING. 
Not me not doing me quiet time, not me ignoring his prompting and procrastinating. Not me losing my patience with my kids because my fuse is ridiculously short right now... The list goes on. 

NOTHING. 

And that grace is what pulls you back in. Back to putting it all in his arms again and letting him take control. Asking for forgiveness and starting fresh. 
His mercies are new every morning. Thank you God. 

G is improving greatly although he still has coughing fits so please keep him in your prayers. K as well because that never ending cough is still present. Right now My husband's parents are here while his dad works on finishing up his Executive Masters program through University of the Nations. It is so good to have them here! N's pitch for a movie won along with two others (out of 12) for one of the final projects. So proud of him! Of course now he is working like a mad man to get that finished since he is the Director. So also pray for sleep and energy for him!
Thank you for listening to my blubbering. Here is a cute picture to bring a smile to your faces. (K and G ready to go see Grandma and Grandpa Tracy)


Friday, May 29, 2015

God Is Getting Us Through

Saturday of last week started 'shooting week' for Nathaniel's school. Kaleigh asked if they would be shooting nerf guns. Hahahahaha! Each person had to write a script (that went through multiple drafts), find the props, pick out actors, plan shots, figure out transportation and location logistics in order to create their first 5 minute short film. It is amazing how much work goes into just 5 minutes. They have all been stressing and wanting to get every detail exactly right. Send in a script, only to have it sent back saying it needed something else, ask for a location and then be turned down and so on, it was a long process of trying to get everything ready.
The group was divided into smaller groups of four and in those groups they would shoot each other's films. The one who wrote the film is of course the director and they are split into there rolls that I can't remember all of the names of. (Sound man, Camera man and.... the other person!! Assistant Director I believe? Those are not the technical names).
Here are some photos of Nathaniel on set during this school:



We got the privilege of being on set for one of the films. Originally Gideon and I were going to be in a scene (I did not sign up for acting school!!!), but because it was so close to nap time, Gideon wasn't cooperating and we were able to talk Kaleigh into doing it. The way the location worked out, they didn't need me in it after all. Phew!
At first Kaleigh was very shy but she ended up really enjoying it. She said, "Mommy I'm a movie star! Oh wait, It's time for action, I have to go!".
Silly girl. Of course I forgot to pull out my camera while on set *face palm*. But she did great.
I will say I gained a much larger respect for people who work in that industry. The scene they were shooting probably would only be a couple of minutes in the whole film but it took about six and a half hours to shoot it. No wonder it takes them so long to make feature films! I'm sure people who have had more experience do it a little faster but there are so many variables when shooting that change things as you go. The neighbor dogs barking, waiting for the rain to stop, the clouds going over the sun and then clearing up again. It all changes how you shoot. Also kids are not always the easiest to work with even if they are my kids. Especially if they are my kids??  Anyway, it was good to see what they do and get a feel for everything.
It has been an emotional week. Nathaniel working so hard (they are pulling some all nighters and he has not been feeling very good) because he wants to get everything just right and they have to do so much in so little time. Please be praying for him.
Also at the beginning of the week I found out that my Grandma was back in the hospital not doing well. She ended up having a second stroke (she had her first about two years ago) and this one affected her brain stem and they don't believe she will make it. She has been unresponsive for this whole week. My dad and all of his siblings went to be with her and she was transported to a good hospice facility close enough for my Grandpa to be only 5 minutes away when he is at home. This is a hard time for my family, it will be so hard to say good bye to my Grandma, she will be missed so much.
It is really hard for me to this far from family right now and knowing that all I can really do is pray. I know prayer is effective and so important but is hard to know I can't be there.
So again we appreciate your prayers, they mean a lot to us.

This picture is my Grandma with the kids last July. 

Psalm 34:18b (NIV)
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted...

Friday, May 22, 2015

Dirt, Mess, Chaos, and Freedom.

I was watching a live stream of  Susi Childers speak the other day. I think it was two days ago. She spoke on how our relationship with God changes through the different phases of our life. It was interesting to me because I hadn't thought of how much things changing and the different stages we were in, would affect how I relate to God.
So I thought I would throw this video in here in case you would like to see her speak, she is a great speaker and I appreciated what she shared.  (She doesn't start speaking until about 54 Minutes in! But there is some great worship in the beginning if you want to see it, or you can just skip ahead.)
Livestream Video of Susi Childers

But I was also thinking about how I had mentioned earlier how dirty kids show me that at the end of the day they have had a great time.
Exhibits A., B., and C.
 


Have you ever had a time where you just went all in and didn't care about the mess? And it was great? I remember a few different times in Panama back when we lived there. One was playing soccer right after it rained. It rains a lot in Panama. Now I'm not good at soccer, but it can be fun to run around and kick a ball at people. Just saying. Ha! Anyway, we went up to play and as we started playing the mud was caking onto our shoes and making it impossible to run. So we did away with the shoes. We just played and we were FULL of mud. It was fun! Another time was when it was raining (I'm telling you it rains a lot in Panama), and instead of moping around inside, I ran outside and played, and danced in the rain with some of the other girls from my DTS and a couple of our DTS staff ladies.
There is something so freeing and there is a sweet release when we just go ALL in and don't care about the mess along the way. The rain was a bit easier to clean up than the mud. But they were still times that I will never forget.
How often do we have to hold onto control and we try to keep the reins tightly in our hands and make sure we know which way everything is going to go? As if we could really control things? I do this so often. I see it in the way I'm watching my kids and I try to let my self relax more often and let them do those fun things that are going to make bath time more interesting and laundry a little harder. Because those are the times they will remember. I highly doubt they will remember having clean clothes at the end of the day. That would be an impossible goal anyway!
Following God can get messy sometimes. But it's a beautiful mess. Only God can make beauty out of chaos.

Genesis 1 King James Version (KJV)

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.
Sounds like in the beginning it was a little chaotic!
I recently read this quote;
"Chaos in the beginning is something else—the first and crucial stage of creation, and just about every creation myth I’ve ever read, from the Bible to Greek myths to native folk tales, confirms this is so. Chaos precedes order." - Dale M. Kushner
So interesting. And it's true! Sometimes it seems like things have to be crazy for a while before order comes. I remember when our room would get really messy as a kid and my mom would come in and literally throw ALL of our stuff into a pile in the middle of the floor. Then we would throw away the stuff we didn't need and try to put all of the other stuff away before she thought we didn't need it anymore and decide to throw it away herself! Chaos became order. 
I want to learn to embrace these moments that at the time can feel so out of control, and so chaotic. Because God works through chaos. If God has called you into something, know that there will be moments of craziness! But if God has called you to it, the end result will be beautiful. He is an artist. You can see that in creation everywhere you go. Other artists spend so much time trying to capture the original art that is all around us. Because it is so unique. Each person and situation is unique. 
I will leave you with this song by Gungor. I love how songs can just allow God to speak to our hearts in a way that nothing else can. At least for me it can be that way. 
The song is Beautiful Things by Gungor and here are just some of the lyrics from the chorus, let them sink in;
'You make beautiful things / You make beautiful things out of the dust / You make beautiful things / You make beautiful things out of us'

Gungor - Beautiful Things - Youtube

Friday, May 15, 2015

What Really Matters

Well I almost didn't post today. (Meaning late Thursday night, I did edit this a little on Friday). To be honest... I almost didn't take a shower today! I have learned that if I let myself sit down and relax for a minute, it's really hard to get my butt back up again and do what needs to be done. My kids were clean and sleeping, and I almost joined them but decided I should be clean too.
Often for me, when I take a shower I am able to clear my head and do some thinking. I thought about the what the speaker they had tonight at the corporate base meeting, shared. I have heard Dan Baumann speak before and he has an amazing testimony to share and so much wisdom. I was excited to hear him speak again and I was able to catch snippets of what he said as I made sure my kids weren't running out to the road, or falling on the concrete as they enjoyed playing with their friends. He has written three books, and the one I read was called Imprisoned In Iran. He was a prisoner in an Iranian prison for 9 weeks. Here is a link to his website if you are interested in reading more about him and his experiences; http://www.danbaumann.com/.
He shared about Joy and being joyful in all circumstances no matter what you were going through. To be straightforward I realized how petulant and childish I was being! And of course it's not like you can just decide to be joyful. It's not something that happens automatically. I remember my mom often telling me as a child, "You need to change your attitude!". It took me a LONG time to understand how that was even possible. Because in that moment when you FEEL one way it is so easy to let your emotions guide you, and just flow with it. Choosing to stop, use your head (I look at my life and see how amazingly BLESSED I am. Look at the people in Nepal! Pastor Saeed who has been imprisoned in Iran since September of 2012! There is always something to put life back into perspective.) And chose to Praise God anyway. Emotions change. But God never does.
One thing Dan Baumann talked about was God showing him that he was enough. He is not married and went through a time where He struggled with letting God be his everything. I related to this although you may not think so (since I married at 18), but because I went through this right in the beginning of marriage. Marriage doesn't complete you, your husband sure doesn't, Because there is only ONE who completes you. God had to pull me out of my emotions and expectations in the beginning and remind me that He is the one who created me, loves me more than anyone, and can fulfill my every need and there really is no one else who can. He reminds me again, and again, whenever I need it and will listen. Sometimes my ears are sealed shut, but not tonight.
I was reading in Philippians and these verses stood out to me: 1:10-11 'For I want you to understand what really matters, so that you may live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ's return. May you always be filled with the fruit of your salvation - the righteous character produced in your life by Jesus Christ - for this will bring much glory and praise to God."
What really matters? What God has done for us! I don't want you to think that God doesn't care about whatever is going on in your life right now. I know God knows our hearts desires, and that He hurts for us when we are hurting. He wants us to go to Him for everything and cast all of our cares onto him! But the beauty of it, is that even when we are going through a desert period, or through a storm or whatever is happening, we have someone to go to who can heal that pain and help you look to better things. There is so much joy in God. He wants to fulfill us in every way and help us through the pain and past it. I know He has so much more for me and I need to be actively pursing it. Pursuing Him. Honestly I sometimes get lazy. I often get lazy. I am working on it.
This has gotten really long. But I just want to leave you with this song because so often God brings it back to my mind when I am feeling tired, and frustrated and just need Him to wash over me.

"Desert Song"

[Verse 1:]
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

(Here is the link to the music video with lyrics)
The Desert Song - Hillson


Let Him wash over you and fill those empty places that have been aching for someone to fill. I hope I can bring myself out of my self pity more often and look to Him and allow Him to just wash over me. Because there is no one else and nothing else that can do that like He can. I'm sure I don't even know the half of it.