In two days it will be a month since my brother died unexpectedly.
The past few weeks I have been struggling to keep up with life, my kids, homeschooling, friends, the school we are helping to run.... Like I'm treading water with a brick on top of my head. Talking to a student who is wondering about a form I was going to send them and why hasn't it come? Because they were accepted right before I flew back for my brother's memorial service. And I forgot. So much is trying to process in my brain and my heart right now that I feel like it's a struggle to just do the normal, everyday things. By the end of the day I'm exhausted from trying to keep my emotions, which are right on the surface always, from spilling onto every person around me. I don't always succeed and I have made a mess of a few people's shirts. I'm so thankful that they don't mind. That I'm surrounded by love, and friends who understand, and that my heart is held together by the God who's love is real and tangible in these moments.
The tidal waves of grief have become less intense and a dull, heavy ache is setting in. I have to figure out my new normal. It's a learning process. I'm sorry for my lack of communication to so many. I just haven't been able to keep up with everything.
Knowing I'll see him again someday, is a comfort and I am so grateful for that. But I keep thinking of how my kids won't really remember him, and he was such a good uncle. And how different holidays and visits home will be without home there, and so many other things, the list goes on. The ache is deep.
Thank you so much to all who have been praying, writing, and surrounding me and my family with love. It is like balm to this heart.
'The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.' Psalm 34:18
Here is Tim playing with Kaleigh and Gideon a few years back.
