Hearts On Chains.

This blog entry has literally been forming in my head for months. It started one morning at a worship time when I was struggling to get through it without letting all of my tears out, again. I looked next to me and saw another woman who had my emotions on her face. The tears were at the surface and I knew, even though I didn't know her full story, that we were both in a similar place. I read the grief on her face. The picture that came to my mind was people walking around pulling their heavy hearts on chains. Trying to get through the normal, day to day life, and trying to keep up with everyone around me. This feeling of a heavy weight that I am pulling behind me that keeps me from getting through the day without some difficulty. Not all days are this way. Anyone who is around me often knows I laugh, enjoy jokes, and fun, and usually my days are like any other mom.
But some days it's heavier than others. Some weeks it's heavier than others. This week it's heavy. It's taking a lot of effort to pull my heart through.
This week was a memorial concert for my brother. Beautiful, a labor of love from his friends. Music he had composed and music inspired by him. The emotions are raw and real, some are so good but some are just so hard and I'm tired. May 4th is his birthday. It was coming and it has been creeping up on me. Like it always does, because it's in the beginning of the month, and I can't think of how many times May would come around  and I'd realize I only had a couple days to think of a present!
One night that was really hard, in the beginning, I asked God how I should grieve. I didn't know what to do, or how to let the emotions come out that needed to come out. He said, sing.
Immediately I thought back to when I was about 16 and everything is dramatic and hormonal and I used to just sit and play songs on the guitar, or listen to music and cry, and pray, and sing, and cry and pray some more. It was a safe way to let it out.
But I was trapped. We lived in a studio apartment and I didn't want to do it when my kids were awake but if I waited until they were asleep then it was such a small space, it would wake them up. I could go outside but if they woke up I couldn't hear them. I would go out for just short times.
Moving to a bigger place was a gift in so many ways. I'm not great at playing the guitar, or singing. But music is a release for me. As I let the emotion out, and give it back to God, the weight gets lighter. The ache isn't as intense, and I feel like I can rest. I had to figure out a way to get it out otherwise my family gets a ticking time bomb. The pressure comes out in ways that I am ashamed to admit. It's not their fault, and they don't deserve to have someone with such a short fuse.
There have been times where I make myself so busy that I end up putting God on the back burner, and even in those moments, I know He still is holding me. Keeping the pieces together.

This passage spoke to me tonight:

Psalm 42 5-8
'Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again- my Savior and my God!
Now I am deeply discouraged, but I will remember you - even from distant Mount Hermon, the source of the Jordan, from the land of Mount Mizar, I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me. 
But EACH DAY the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life.'

Then:

Psalm 43 3-5
Send out your light and your truth; let them guide me. Let them lead me to your holy mountain, to the place where you live. There I will go to the altar of God, to God - the SOURCE OF ALL MY JOY, I will praise you with my harp, O God, my God!
Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again- my Savior and my God!

(emphasis my own.)

He is my source. He is the lifter of my head. He is my joy, my hope, my salvation. I will trust in Him, and let him carry my heavy heart.

A Steady Beat

After the last post (two months ago!), Nathaniel started working on a movie set and although we saw him every now and then, he was basically gone for a month. This job was a huge blessing in so many ways, but as I saw that month coming I steeled myself up for it. When he is gone the burden of caring for house and home became a little heavier. Play dates, staff meetings, home school... it all added up and we kept ourselves busy enough to keep ourselves afloat. A rhythm was established for while dad was gone. When he was done, we were so happy to have him home! But we needed to reestablish our old rhythm and take time as a family to reconnect. All in all, it's been a great two months.
As the days roll I find a peace in the steady beat of life. We are accustomed to the ebb and flow of people here on the campus, we are accustomed to community living. In reality, I love it.
Christmas is upon us and I love passing the joy, hope, and excitement of the season to my children. Decorating, baking, (although Christmas cookies six at a time in a toaster oven is not ideal!), Christmas tree, putting money in the salvation army bucket, carols... all leading to the one day where we celebrate the Savior who left his rightful place up in heaven to come to us as a humble babe born in a stable.
This time of year stirs up my heart with so much love. And yet, just like that *snaps fingers* it will be over. We build up to it...and then it's done. And we go back to that steady rhythm.
As I was reading in my Bible the other day I read the verse where it talks about being a living sacrifice. Romans 12:1 'Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ' 
As I live and breathe, I should be a living sacrifice. At all times. Dying to self, giving back to God and giving to others. This sounds exhausting. I think of my steady beat through life and I get exhausted just thinking about what it would take to do that. But then in this special time God showed me a different picture. Here is the month leading up to His birth. I LOVE this time and so I put the extra effort forth to bake, decorate, teach the kids about baby Jesus and what that means for them, and all of the things that have to do with Christmas. On TOP of what I already have to do. It should be extra exhausting but it's not, because it brings me so much joy. Celebrating Jesus brings me joy! LIFE should be this way. Teaching my kids how amazing it is to have a relationship with God, Preparing them for the joys and challenges of adulthood, and knowing that God has great plans for me and that won't ever change. Celebrating Jesus all the time. All year, should be a celebration of Him. The one who gave so much and showed the ultimate example of what it means to sacrifice. I feel I can look at the coming year with expectation. Celebrating life and the One who gave us life so abundantly!

Merry Christmas Everyone! <3

Run With Endurance

Head down, eyes watching your feet pound the pavement, knowing you've almost reached the end of the race but you are so tired and worn, that you hardly feel you can make it to the end. Then you see this up ahead. 

Your feet pound a little faster, you lift up your head and look towards the finish line. You're heart is encouraged and when you see the end you run! You made it! 

I loved seeing the encouraging messages written all over the path for the runners of the Iron Man Race here in Kona. Encouragement in so many different languages, colors, and sizes. I could see the runners in the last leg of the race who were SO tired, hot, sweating.... and yet they kept on. To be in that moment, and see a message written to you to give you strength and keep you going forward would be just the thing to put the spring in your step! It was amazing to watch the race. And I would say inspiring... but I feel in order to say that it would mean it had inspired me to do something. And do you don't see me exercising? Hahahaha. I guess I have been trying to drink a little less soda. 

So many times in my life it feels like I'm just pushing through, staring at my feet and watching them move forward until the next day comes. Somewhere along the way my gaze drifts down, and things don't look as hopeful when you stare at your feet. You won't see anything new, hopeful, or exciting if you are just staring at your sneakers (if they are like mine, they look pretty new, because like I said, I don't do much exercise =D ). In those moments, God brings me encouragement. Through my friends or family, a song, a verse... something that reminds me to look up and set my eyes back on what is important. On finishing, and enjoying the race while I'm at it. 

This song brought me to my knees first, then I lifted my gaze upwards. 

Two lines that get me every time:

When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world?

I try to take life back right out of the hands of the king of the world?

(King of The World: Natalie Grant)

So we keep moving. We keep running the race that God has set before us, following His lead and knowing we are not alone in this race. He is right beside us, so put it back in his hands. The burden will lift and so will your eyes. 

Hebrews 12:1-2

12 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. 2 We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.[a]Because of the joy[b] awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.

It's Just A Water Bottle

How often does God do something for us and we just don't even notice? Do we look for Him in the everyday things? I often tell my kids that God wants us to talk to Him about EVERYTHING. Even those things that seem so small that you figure He wouldn't care anyway because He has pretty important things to worry about. Like the world. So Lately I have been working to put this into practice. Driving around in a parking lot that is full and waiting for a spot. When someone finally leaves instead of thinking how we wish it had been faster, we tell God thanks for providing a spot, it's even more exciting when it's shaded! I want to show the kids how God works in all things. These last couple of weeks I failed in this area. The quarter was ending and we knew there was limited space on base for staff. Since our school has just ended, I was really nervous they would tell us we needed to find a place off base, yet nothing had opened up yet that we could afford. When they told us they had room I was SO relieved. Then they told me which room. And I failed. I was upset. It was exactly where I was hoping they would not put us. The building that I was sure had no breeze, just from looking at it. The room was dirty. (It had been unoccupied for quite some time), and most of all, we would have to do a lot of work to get over there.
So here I was praying God would provide a place for us to stay on base, and then I turned around and threw it back in His face. UGH. I feel terrible just thinking about it. After venting and sharing a bunch of my childish attitude. I started cleaning the room where we would be staying. Through coffee and cleaning God started working on my heart and I began to see all of the good things about the new room. New sink, new shower, the sun doesn't pound into the windows in the afternoon, better mattresses, the parking lot is closer, and BEST of all, we are over an office. That means at night when the kids want to jump around. It's fine!! Truly we upgraded, and now that I can see it, I am so grateful. I just wish I would have looked for the good  in the beginning.

Now this issue, is not nearly as pressing as a place to live. Not at all. But I went to God with it anyway. I like to have a water bottle by my bed. One with a straw! I had one like this but Alinah ended up braking it and I was pretty bummed. Do I buy another? Nah. We have a bunch of cups I should really just use those. But I'm actually lazy enough that I hate to sit up when I am thirsty at night and I inevitably ended up getting kind of wet because I'd try to lazily sip it without doing any work. This is a trivial thing. And I could have just bought a water bottle but I kept thinking it was just too silly that I didn't want to use a cup, so I just waited. Nathaniel had a day off the other day and we went to the small county fair on the other side of the island. Lo and behold, one of the prizes we won at the Geico booth where the kids spun a wheel, was a water bottle! With a straw! I knew God was taking care of the little things. Even though it was silly, it was something I really wanted.
Don't just go to Him with the big things. Go to Him with ALL things. I'm not saying you'll just start getting free stuff. Just know that He cares about all of the details. Maybe He is already working on some things and you just haven't realized it was Him yet. I could have easily passed off the water bottle as a coincidence, but I love thinking of it as a little gift. Don't just say thank you for the big things... Say thank for you for even the smallest.

My Sanity Milk

This post... is not very profound. Just a warning. haha!

Every night, unless I am dead beat tired, or sick or something... I sit down and I have a glass of milk. Unless we have (gasp!) run out of milk and I have to drink super cold water. This is not quite as effective but has worked in some cases. It helps keep me sane.  Even when my morning starts earlier than planned, like the other morning at 5:40am, when a giant cockroach crawled down my arm while I was in bed nursing, and I had to chase it around with a flip flop while baby was still attached (Nathaniel came to my rescue), I sit down at night after all is quiet and have a glass of milk.
By myself.
So many people have told me they do their quiet time with Jesus in the morning. It's best to start off your morning with God and everything else flows from there, they say.
But I have tried this and it seems almost physically impossible for me to wake up earlier than I have to (aka before the kids wake up and decide they are starving). Mostly because of this bad habit I have of staying up later than I should. So if I have this bad habit, I might as well put it to good use and do my quiet time at night. Most of my blogging happens at night as well since that is when I have done my quiet time (usually) and actually have something to talk about. Tonight I am doing it backwards and blogging first, quiet time second. Milk is already gone so I may have to pour a little more...
Jesus and I have come to an agreement. Maybe because I am much more enjoyable to hang out with at night since I am not as grumpy. Sometimes you just do what works for you. I love to multitask so often my 'quiet time' actually just mean 'alone time with God' because I also have music playing in my ears.
To be honest I've been slacking. Doing a blog actually helps to keep me accountable. It reminds me to keep searching and looking for inspiration from God.
If anything comes out of this post it would be, to find what's right for you. There is more than just one way to do things. I even have an app that is AWESOME called Echo to help me pray.
I put my list of prayers in it, set random times during the day and it reminds me to pray throughout the day!!! This has been so good for me. I don't enter my password on my Ipod until I have prayed for that thing. Is it dumb that I use an app for this? Maybe. I don't care. It's helpful and this is what I have found to help me. Here is the link: Echo Prayer App
Figure out how to make it work. Is it too hard to memorize scripture? Get scripture songs! Already have too much stuff in your diaper bag to carry a Bible with you to church? Get the Bible on your phone!
Trust me I'm not perfect. Anyone who knows me, knows that. But we should always be striving to improve. Even if it's a tiny step, it's still a step.
Keep walking forward.

One of those family photos that didn't quite work out. Haha.
See? Imperfect. 

Scattered Pieces of My Heart

About five and a half years ago, I hit a pretty low spot. We had been in missions for about 3 1/2 years and the constant emotional ups and downs were draining me. For two of those years we had been trying to start a family and that was really draining me as well. I remember so well as we prayed about what to do next, and God opened the doors to go back to Wisconsin, that I was almost too afraid to believe it was true.
God knew my heart needed to go home. Shortly after we made the decision that we would be going back, we found out we were expecting Kaleigh. I was so excited, I almost was afraid to believe that was real as well! I probably took five tests just to makes sure.
It was the start of God healing my heart. Because I love people. I love getting to know them, hearing their stories... We made so many friends during our time in Panama. But we also had to say goodbye so many times. I had NEVER experienced this before. My husband grew up this way but for me it was so foreign. Getting close to people and then having them move to another country 6 months later, it felt like my heart was constantly being sent in different places. Or when I would travel, meet people, and then have to leave. No matter which way it happened, it was hard.
I got tired of it to be honest. I remember one girl coming on to staff for a little while and we were both kind of in the same place where it felt like our hearts were too tender from all of the goodbyes that we had both decided separately not to befriend each other. Dumb plan didn't work. I love her anyway! And I haven't seen her since Panama.
By the time we moved back to Wisconsin I had little by little hardened my heart. In my head I rationalized it...I have enough friends, I can be friendly but not put my self  out there, not everyone needs to be close to me.
I sat there in church one day during a weekly Bible study all tense in my chair, just hanging on to Kaleigh in my belly and trying so hard not to let my wall that I had built around my heart, come down. The only way I could hold it up and keep myself 'safe' was not to listen when God spoke because I know I'm not called to be isolated. But God was after me that night. He wasn't going to let me get away with it anymore, I had turned a deaf ear long enough. Through the weeks of the Bible study He had slowly been loosening my grip and that night as I closed my eyes and asked him to show me something, He gave me a picture of a bird cage. There was a bird sitting inside of it but the door was open.
I was that bird. That was my cage. The cage felt really safe, but God was showing me that the door was open. And instead of being free I was choosing to sit there and not fly! Why did God give birds wings? To FLY! And yet I was choosing a life of captivity. He wanted me to be free.
You would think after that, since it was pretty clear, that I would have just surrendered. But instead, God in all His mercy, gave me time. Brick by brick he pulled down that wall and did a work on my heart in the process. Giving me the strength to open my heart again and step out of that cage.
It's so much better out here guys. I meet new people all the time. I have so many friends from all over and I just love each one of them. I have my core friends back home that will always be my nearest and dearest. I don't know what I would do with out them.
But God can teach me so much through each new person I meet. I can relate to each person in a different way. Or always have the 'mom connection' when I see other mothers. How can we touch anyone's life if we don't invite them into ours? It may be messy, and sometimes my kids are naughty, and I'm FAR from perfect, but you are welcome to join us. I use to think hospitality was having an elaborate meal planned and the house spotless, but I'm learning more that it is welcoming people into your home whether it inconveniences you or not, and whether you were ready, or not! Helping them to feel comfortable. And if I could get my act together I'd try to at least always have snacks around! Even if my floor needs to be vacuumed.
Goodbyes are still hard. and it sucks. But I learn to keep my eyes on Him during these times. The healing process has gotten a lot faster now that I know how to turn it over to God.
I'm not really sure why I felt I should share this? Maybe to encourage someone? But most of all I just wanted to show how God can help you out of those desert times. That relationships with people can be hard but it is so worth it, and my life is richer because of the multitude of people that are in it.

John 8:36

'So if the son sets you free, You will be free indeed.'

Refreshment Please!

I often joke with people who say I have my hands full (Of kids) that an extra arm should grow, so that you don't have more kids than arms.

That would look atrocious. But it would be SOO handy!

Today was one of those days where things got a little nuts. Children were super tired, cranky, teething... and so on. I was about to call Nathaniel to come help, but I realized he forgot his phone. 

Bummer.

I told myself that this was fine, I could handle this by myself, I've done it before. But then I thought about my neighbor. On a whim I knocked on her door (They share our wall, and their door is only maybe six feet from ours don't worry!), and asked her to help me for a couple of minutes while I got the kids settled down. She was SO sweet and an extra set of hands was a huge help! I am so, so grateful. She even said how glad she was that I asked. Oh and did I mention she moved my laundry along for me? 

Trust me, Cookies will be baking soon as a thank you. 

It reminded me of a verse that I have highlighted in bright yellow, in my Bible. 

Philemon 1: 7

'Your love has given me much joy and comfort, my brother, for your kindness has often refreshed the hearts of God's people.'

Kindness refreshes hearts!!! It truly was so refreshing to be the recipient of her kindness and the more I thought of it the more I realize how much an act of kindness can affect someone. Even reading something, or seeing a video ABOUT acts of kindness has a refreshing effect on me. You know when it's summer and you've been outside and your sweating buckets and (in my case) look like a stewed tomato? Then you get a glass of cold water and it's like the best thing you've ever tasted? Yeah, that's refreshing. After that glass of water you are ready to go back out there again and keep going. 

Be that for someone. Help someone to keep going. 

Refreshment Please! 

Still Just a Child

As I get larger, and larger (I am informed by K that the baby is getting REALLY big!), I find I rely on my four year old daughter more than I did before. If I drop something, and it falls right by my feet that I can barely see anymore, I might call her over from across the room to pick it up for me. She will go get things for me, and help me with the dustpan so I don't have to bend over while sweeping. The other day she took it upon herself to fold a load of clean laundry! Of course it wasn't perfect, and daddy had to fold his own shirts because they were just too big! But I am beginning to wonder how I was pregnant and got along with out her here. We started a little piggy bank of sorts, for her to collect dimes and nickels for when she helps with chores that are a little bigger than the normal, picking up her toys or putting her clothes in the laundry. She informs us that when she collects enough, she will share them with us. SO sweet!
My daughter is a very determined girl, and eager to learn. When she got it in her head that she wanted to do the monkey bars, she practiced and practiced. There were tears, she fell a couple times, and she even got blisters on her little hands. But she did it! Now she can go there, and back, one bar to the next without a problem. Now her next thing is wanting to swim the width of a small pool. Why am I telling you this? Well for one, I'm so proud of her! But the other day I yelled at her for something, I don't even remember what it was, and after I did that was one of the few times I felt God stop me and speak to me. "She is still a child."
Oh man. I'm tearing up again. How could I have been so foolish?! She can be so independent, helpful, and smart, that somewhere along the way I started having these odd, adult like, expectations of her. K is only FOUR. THREE years ago she was just barely walking. This is me being honest here. I am not proud of this. It was like I was expecting her to act like an adult. Not all the time, but this is definitely something I need to work on. She is still a child..., the fact that God had to stop me like that shows me how crazy I was getting. Tonight before bedtime, I asked Nathaniel to give her a quick shower and he looked up and was like, "Can't she do that by herself by now?" So you see, I'm not the only one. She really seems mature beyond her years sometimes. Dude, she's four! Although to be honest, she needs very little supervision for that task now!
This morning I took time to cuddle with her. Walking home from church and the pool, we stopped for an ice cream at McDonalds and her stomach doesn't handle dairy very well. Our double stroller's wheels broke so we have been using the single one again. Which means she was walking home. She started crying about her tummy hurting. Now I'm just being honest, we have a big drama queen for a daughter. So sometimes it's a little hard to know when she is genuine, and when it is just an exaggeration. "She is still a child."
We carried her until her stomach was settled enough that she could walk.
Tonight I was puzzling over what I could from learn from this on a spiritual level. Obviously as a mom, I have a LOT to learn. But I wanted to know how I could apply this to my walk with God. What was He trying to tell me? These verses came to me:
Matthew 18:2-4 (NLT)
Jesus called a little child to him and put the child among them. Then he said, "I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven. So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven."
The second part of that passage is also very convicting but I will stick with this part. Even after this came to my mind I was still a little confused. Then It came to me that the way I was treating K, was how I had come to treat myself when it comes to my relationship with God. Let's see if I can explain this. I had started telling myself that I needed to toughen up. Life can be hard, things are going to happen, and I just need to deal with stuff. Work harder, do more, (but it's never enough), be a better person... and that would be fine. But I was not even asking for help from God. As if I had taken on the crazy belief that I was old enough now that I should be able to just deal with these things with out always having to run to God. What a quick way to make yourself tired, and worn out.
We are God's children! As a parent I can for sure say that I always want K and G and Baby Bean #3 to be able to come to me, asking for advice, or needing emotional support, or whatever. I don't want that to stop when they are 'old enough'. There is no age limit for needing your parent. Maybe it might be something trivial, but I would still be so glad that they trusted me enough to come to me.
God wants that with us. Think back to when you were a child and would run to your parents first thing. You didn't feel silly, you just knew that being by your mom or dad would help somehow to make you feel better. Oh how I feel for those kids that don't know that kind of comfort. My heart aches for them... I want them all to know that they can have that comfort, in God. The same way I did as a child, I need to do now. God should be the FIRST one I run to when I am feeling overwhelmed, upset, mad, alone, or whatever. My Father God is always waiting with his arms wide open, ready to hold me and give me peace. I need to stop trying to be so 'grown up' and learn that it will be lot lighter of a load to carry if I allow God to carry it.
Just observing these little people that God has trusted me to take care of, I am learning so much about him and his character. We need to never stop learning and seeking the truth. The same as K asks me almost every day to do school with her, (even weekends!), I need to be seeking God out on a daily basis ready to learn something. It's easier to blog about than to actually put it into practice. But I'm a work in progress. :)

Folding Laundry 

Rivers of living water...Let us not grow weary

So I am quickly learning that with each pregnancy, I get more emotional. I notice it worsening with each child. Maybe I shouldn't have a lot of kids! Hahaha. But today I was thinking back on last week until today, and it dawned on me how great God was at taking care of me. After the Thursday meeting, two Thursdays ago, I was so happy and pumped up for God. Things had gone so well with the kids playing quietly that I could actually soak in the message and enjoy worship and I felt so refreshed. Then the weekend hit and it was just hard. No particular reason exactly, just a bunch of things all together. My hip has been hurting badly and I'm not able to get to a chiropractor until we get back to WI, that has been frustrating. My Aunt is in the hospital, not doing well so of course I'm worried and sad. Also the kids just seemed to hit a bumpy spot with their attitudes and behavior so that didn't help. Plus it was SO HOT! Ok, let me rephrase that; me and my big pregnant self are SO HOT.
So it just ended up being a kind of hard weekend. I didn't even realize it until at worship the following Monday morning the leader upfront said how he had experienced a very difficult weekend. He felt that after such a great moment on Thursday, the spiritual attack from the enemy had come down really hard on the weekend and he said for those of us that felt that same way, to raise your hand and the people around you would pray for you.
I have been avoiding people praying for me. I know that sounds dumb but with my hormones always putting me on the verge of tears, and how much I really don't like crying in public, I have been avoiding it. So prideful.
I snuck my hand up because I needed prayer. The kids and I were tucked in a corner and I was on floor with them trying to keep them occupied and as they wiggled around my hand quickly came back down and I figured I'd pray about it later (rolls my eyes) and deal with them now.
Well God knew I needed prayer no matter how prideful I was going to be about it and a man came up to me and said, he had seen my hand go up and asked if he could pray for me. Yes. Oh brother, tears already. I just said it had been a very stressful weekend. As he prayed for me tears just poured down my cheeks and G sat in my lap kind of worried about me. I definitely needed that. At the end of the prayer he said that my kids were great and I said I had been really blessed.
"Also a lot of great parenting I'm sure." He said. It was a sweet encouragement.

I have learned this week that God knows our love languages better than anyone else. One of my main languages is words of affirmation. Not that I run around fishing for compliments (at least I hope I don't!) but as much as I feel a bit awkward when someone says something to me and I'm often not sure how to respond correctly, it is like balm to my soul.
Different times during this past week people have stopped me to say how great of a mom they thought I was, or how well I was doing with my husband being so busy...
I'M NOT SAYING THIS TO BOAST. You may not believe me since I already admitted to having a pride issue. But this doesn't happen all the time. I don't have people say things like that to me everyday, far from it. I'm saying this to show how much God cares and looks after the little things. It was very specific to this week and God knowing what I needed. Whether it was a single person who said they really admired what I was doing or a fellow mom saying I was doing great, each time it was God giving me words of affirmation that he knew would be healing to me. Amazingly it took me until today to really see it. Today one of Nathaniel's leaders asked me about what would be best for their shooting schedule for me and the kids. I was able to ask that Nathaniel not be busy (if possible) when I worked at the boutique. I knew it might not be an option, and I told him if not, that it was ok. But just the fact that he cared enough to ask and to show that he valued our family and he said he knew it must be hard just with the kids all day, meant a lot to me.
And then I realized God had been watering my heart. Renewing my purpose. One of my friends recently told me that she felt God telling her that moms are rivers of living water in their homes. Not that they CAN be, but that they ARE. Even if we don't feel like it. This week God was raining his love down into my river of living water that had been feeling a little dry. He filled it back up. I am so thankful for how He deals with our hearts.
I have been more consciously leaving my Ipod at home, or in my stroller or whatever so that I can be FULLY in the moment with my kids. Helping K with the monkey bars, push the kids on the swing, encourage G to count every step, so he learns his numbers. I had so many precious moments today when I looked into their faces and they were just radiating love. I keep trying to memorize their faces how they are right now. The expressions they make, the funny phrases they say, or things they do. I wish I could record it all or get pictures of everything. I want to really have these moments imprinted on my mind as they get older. As the training gets more complicated, as they get more independent. It seems so overwhelming at times.
I'm so thankful that God poured love into me this past week. I'm thankful that I finally realized it and can now embrace it. This verse came to my mind tonight:
Galatians 6:9 (ESV)
"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up."

I'm not giving up. Who could give up on these cuties??