Walking on Water

I reflect on this last year, and it has been the hardest year I've ever been through.
Some days it still does not feel real that my brother is gone, and for a little while I allow myself to imagine he is still here. And then other days, like today, a year since we lost him, it is so, horribly real. I feel physically ill with the harsh reality, and the reliving of the day I heard he was gone. All over again, I'm sad, angry, hurt, and devastated. This is not how it was supposed to be. These emotions that have been bottled are exploding like someone shook a soda can and then opened it.

Tim, I miss you.
I miss how you would play the same song on the piano, over and over, until we were all sick of it. I miss how you were quick to give a hug, to anyone who needed it. I miss the way you would sit there and listen to my kids and answer the millions of questions they would ask you, and you did it with so much patience. They loved being with you. I miss how when we were little I could always convince you to play with me, or share with me. I miss how you would try to sound super smart, just because you went to grad school and got your masters. Ok fine, you sounded smart because you were. I miss making you go shopping with me, or decorate for Christmas with me. There are too many things we never got to do, and things I never got to show you.
I miss you.

I'm so thankful I don't walk this life alone. That I know where to turn when I am overwhelmed and falling.
The other day I was reading through a devotional and I took to heart the story of when Peter stepped out of the boat and walked towards Jesus. He trusted when Jesus said to come, and walked on water! It doesn't talk about how long he walked on water, or how far he had gone before he got scared, looked away from Jesus, and started to sink. But he had the faith to do it. There was wind and waves, not exactly great conditions for your first try at walking on water  maybe, yet it was in that hard moment that Peter stepped out of the safety of the boat and walked to the One whom He knew he could trust to save Him. Even when he got scared and lost sight of Jesus, he knew he would be saved.

In the beginning of everything, I felt God was holding me close, I needed to be close and I needed to be held together. Now, slowly, He is teaching me how to walk on water. When my eyes stray away and I start to feel myself drowning (like today), he always picks me up again. He gently reminds me to keep my eyes on him, to look forward, and to keep walking, and I walk again. Never rushed, never pushy, but full of grace. Knowing I can trust Him. Even when the waves are crashing, I know he is greater than my circumstances.
I am walking on water.

(O'Lord by Lauren Daigle)

Your strength is found
At the end of my road
Your grace it reaches to the hurting
Still through the tears and the questioning why
I will stand my ground where hope can be found
I will stand my ground where hope can be found

Hearts On Chains.

This blog entry has literally been forming in my head for months. It started one morning at a worship time when I was struggling to get through it without letting all of my tears out, again. I looked next to me and saw another woman who had my emotions on her face. The tears were at the surface and I knew, even though I didn't know her full story, that we were both in a similar place. I read the grief on her face. The picture that came to my mind was people walking around pulling their heavy hearts on chains. Trying to get through the normal, day to day life, and trying to keep up with everyone around me. This feeling of a heavy weight that I am pulling behind me that keeps me from getting through the day without some difficulty. Not all days are this way. Anyone who is around me often knows I laugh, enjoy jokes, and fun, and usually my days are like any other mom.
But some days it's heavier than others. Some weeks it's heavier than others. This week it's heavy. It's taking a lot of effort to pull my heart through.
This week was a memorial concert for my brother. Beautiful, a labor of love from his friends. Music he had composed and music inspired by him. The emotions are raw and real, some are so good but some are just so hard and I'm tired. May 4th is his birthday. It was coming and it has been creeping up on me. Like it always does, because it's in the beginning of the month, and I can't think of how many times May would come around  and I'd realize I only had a couple days to think of a present!
One night that was really hard, in the beginning, I asked God how I should grieve. I didn't know what to do, or how to let the emotions come out that needed to come out. He said, sing.
Immediately I thought back to when I was about 16 and everything is dramatic and hormonal and I used to just sit and play songs on the guitar, or listen to music and cry, and pray, and sing, and cry and pray some more. It was a safe way to let it out.
But I was trapped. We lived in a studio apartment and I didn't want to do it when my kids were awake but if I waited until they were asleep then it was such a small space, it would wake them up. I could go outside but if they woke up I couldn't hear them. I would go out for just short times.
Moving to a bigger place was a gift in so many ways. I'm not great at playing the guitar, or singing. But music is a release for me. As I let the emotion out, and give it back to God, the weight gets lighter. The ache isn't as intense, and I feel like I can rest. I had to figure out a way to get it out otherwise my family gets a ticking time bomb. The pressure comes out in ways that I am ashamed to admit. It's not their fault, and they don't deserve to have someone with such a short fuse.
There have been times where I make myself so busy that I end up putting God on the back burner, and even in those moments, I know He still is holding me. Keeping the pieces together.

This passage spoke to me tonight:

Psalm 42 5-8
'Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again- my Savior and my God!
Now I am deeply discouraged, but I will remember you - even from distant Mount Hermon, the source of the Jordan, from the land of Mount Mizar, I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me. 
But EACH DAY the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life.'

Then:

Psalm 43 3-5
Send out your light and your truth; let them guide me. Let them lead me to your holy mountain, to the place where you live. There I will go to the altar of God, to God - the SOURCE OF ALL MY JOY, I will praise you with my harp, O God, my God!
Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again- my Savior and my God!

(emphasis my own.)

He is my source. He is the lifter of my head. He is my joy, my hope, my salvation. I will trust in Him, and let him carry my heavy heart.

It's Just A Water Bottle

How often does God do something for us and we just don't even notice? Do we look for Him in the everyday things? I often tell my kids that God wants us to talk to Him about EVERYTHING. Even those things that seem so small that you figure He wouldn't care anyway because He has pretty important things to worry about. Like the world. So Lately I have been working to put this into practice. Driving around in a parking lot that is full and waiting for a spot. When someone finally leaves instead of thinking how we wish it had been faster, we tell God thanks for providing a spot, it's even more exciting when it's shaded! I want to show the kids how God works in all things. These last couple of weeks I failed in this area. The quarter was ending and we knew there was limited space on base for staff. Since our school has just ended, I was really nervous they would tell us we needed to find a place off base, yet nothing had opened up yet that we could afford. When they told us they had room I was SO relieved. Then they told me which room. And I failed. I was upset. It was exactly where I was hoping they would not put us. The building that I was sure had no breeze, just from looking at it. The room was dirty. (It had been unoccupied for quite some time), and most of all, we would have to do a lot of work to get over there.
So here I was praying God would provide a place for us to stay on base, and then I turned around and threw it back in His face. UGH. I feel terrible just thinking about it. After venting and sharing a bunch of my childish attitude. I started cleaning the room where we would be staying. Through coffee and cleaning God started working on my heart and I began to see all of the good things about the new room. New sink, new shower, the sun doesn't pound into the windows in the afternoon, better mattresses, the parking lot is closer, and BEST of all, we are over an office. That means at night when the kids want to jump around. It's fine!! Truly we upgraded, and now that I can see it, I am so grateful. I just wish I would have looked for the good  in the beginning.

Now this issue, is not nearly as pressing as a place to live. Not at all. But I went to God with it anyway. I like to have a water bottle by my bed. One with a straw! I had one like this but Alinah ended up braking it and I was pretty bummed. Do I buy another? Nah. We have a bunch of cups I should really just use those. But I'm actually lazy enough that I hate to sit up when I am thirsty at night and I inevitably ended up getting kind of wet because I'd try to lazily sip it without doing any work. This is a trivial thing. And I could have just bought a water bottle but I kept thinking it was just too silly that I didn't want to use a cup, so I just waited. Nathaniel had a day off the other day and we went to the small county fair on the other side of the island. Lo and behold, one of the prizes we won at the Geico booth where the kids spun a wheel, was a water bottle! With a straw! I knew God was taking care of the little things. Even though it was silly, it was something I really wanted.
Don't just go to Him with the big things. Go to Him with ALL things. I'm not saying you'll just start getting free stuff. Just know that He cares about all of the details. Maybe He is already working on some things and you just haven't realized it was Him yet. I could have easily passed off the water bottle as a coincidence, but I love thinking of it as a little gift. Don't just say thank you for the big things... Say thank for you for even the smallest.

And So I Will Dwell....

Almost a month has gone by since my last post, and so much has built up in my heart I don't really know where to begin...
This month I have been learning about dwelling places. Too much to get into details but there have been struggles this month and personally I have been struggling back and forth with things and taking on the impossible task of a wrestling match with God. My spirit feels a little bruised and tired but the outcome was not a body slam into the ground like you would maybe expect, but instead a sheltering, loving hug from my Heavenly Father. Isn't that just how it is wrestling with children? You roll around on the floor with them, they get their energy out and see how strong they can be and if they can overtake you, so you play along for a little while. When you decide it's been enough, more often than not that wrestling match turns into a hug.
I had to get that energy, frustration, and confusion out. Even though I knew I could never win, I still needed to wrestle and ask why. Instead of telling me why, God pulled me in closer to him and reminded me to praise. The song that WOULD NOT LEAVE MY HEAD?
"Your praise will, ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips, your praise will, ever be on my lips..."
Hint maybe? So I praise. I find things to be grateful for. Like songs that God puts in my head to remind me, or to minister to me. I'm grateful for my kids, for my husband, for God's provision. So that even when my heart is hurting over loss, and the tears run down my face, I don't have to stay there. My lesson this month has been not to dwell in the pain. To not stay there, because the longer I do, the harder it is to get out of it. It says in Psalm 91: 1-2
"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, "My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust!"
Picking up my tent stakes and make my dwelling in His shelter. Such a secure camping spot. When the storm is raging all around me, I am safe.
If you ever get sick of my sharing songs... Sorry not sorry! Music is something I am so, so, thankful to have. The other day I heard a beautiful song on the radio called, Thy Will, by Hillary Scott. This song was written by Hillary after she experienced a miscarriage and this song shows that beautiful struggle so well. The back and forth of hurt and pain, but yet knowing God's truth and speaking it over the situation. I could feel the emotions in the song because even though I wasn't going through the same thing she was, the emotions were the same. So I am choosing to dwell in Him. Even when I don't understand everything, I will place my trust in the One who's ways are higher than my ways.

Thy Will, by Hillary Scott - Music Video

Thy Will

I’m so confused
I know I heard You loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of Your plan
When I try to pray
All I’ve got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know You’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know You think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all Your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that You’re God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will

I know You see me
I know You hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness You have in store
I know You hear me
I know You see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness You have in store
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know You see me
I know You hear me, Lord
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