Relentless Pursuit

It's hard to explain, but for a long while now I have felt the need to hold back. My inspiration to write anything (newsletters included) had all but disappeared, and I even felt a bit afraid of it. A couple of months ago a close friend told me that she felt God was saying to me that I shouldn't stop writing. Instantly I felt fear at opening up again but also some excitement. Writing has always been a way that I processed things, but I think at some point I got fed up with processing and just needed to live life for a while. If you have been reading the blog you know last year knocked me back on my heals and the getting back up has been harder and longer than I would have imagined. But tonight, out of the blue while I was standing there doing the dishes that I should have done earlier and cleaning the kitchen so it can get destroyed again tomorrow, the song on my Pandora station caught my ear....

There is no distance 

That cannot be covered 

Over and over 

You're not defenseless

I'll be your shelter

I'll be your armor

I hear you whisper underneath your breath

I hear your SOS, your SOS

I will send out an army to find you

In the middle of the darkest night 

It's true, I will rescue you

I will never stop marching to reach you

In the middle of the hardest fight

It's true, I will rescue you

- Lauren Daigle (Rescue)

This strong sense of being pursued, of being sought after by my Savior, caught me by surprise. Not so much that I was lost, more like I've been going through life with my hand at the plow and my head down watching my feet pound through the dirt, trying to get as much done as possible. But He will come for me over and over. Not only me, but YOU. This is half of why I'm writing this because I feel like there is someone out there who needs to feel this too. Maybe you don't realize you are running, or maybe you have been crying SOS to God for a long time, but He is coming for you. And when you turn and run into His arms he will be your shelter, and your armor, and he will rescue you. 

Walking on Water

I reflect on this last year, and it has been the hardest year I've ever been through.
Some days it still does not feel real that my brother is gone, and for a little while I allow myself to imagine he is still here. And then other days, like today, a year since we lost him, it is so, horribly real. I feel physically ill with the harsh reality, and the reliving of the day I heard he was gone. All over again, I'm sad, angry, hurt, and devastated. This is not how it was supposed to be. These emotions that have been bottled are exploding like someone shook a soda can and then opened it.

Tim, I miss you.
I miss how you would play the same song on the piano, over and over, until we were all sick of it. I miss how you were quick to give a hug, to anyone who needed it. I miss the way you would sit there and listen to my kids and answer the millions of questions they would ask you, and you did it with so much patience. They loved being with you. I miss how when we were little I could always convince you to play with me, or share with me. I miss how you would try to sound super smart, just because you went to grad school and got your masters. Ok fine, you sounded smart because you were. I miss making you go shopping with me, or decorate for Christmas with me. There are too many things we never got to do, and things I never got to show you.
I miss you.

I'm so thankful I don't walk this life alone. That I know where to turn when I am overwhelmed and falling.
The other day I was reading through a devotional and I took to heart the story of when Peter stepped out of the boat and walked towards Jesus. He trusted when Jesus said to come, and walked on water! It doesn't talk about how long he walked on water, or how far he had gone before he got scared, looked away from Jesus, and started to sink. But he had the faith to do it. There was wind and waves, not exactly great conditions for your first try at walking on water  maybe, yet it was in that hard moment that Peter stepped out of the safety of the boat and walked to the One whom He knew he could trust to save Him. Even when he got scared and lost sight of Jesus, he knew he would be saved.

In the beginning of everything, I felt God was holding me close, I needed to be close and I needed to be held together. Now, slowly, He is teaching me how to walk on water. When my eyes stray away and I start to feel myself drowning (like today), he always picks me up again. He gently reminds me to keep my eyes on him, to look forward, and to keep walking, and I walk again. Never rushed, never pushy, but full of grace. Knowing I can trust Him. Even when the waves are crashing, I know he is greater than my circumstances.
I am walking on water.

(O'Lord by Lauren Daigle)

Your strength is found
At the end of my road
Your grace it reaches to the hurting
Still through the tears and the questioning why
I will stand my ground where hope can be found
I will stand my ground where hope can be found

Hearts On Chains.

This blog entry has literally been forming in my head for months. It started one morning at a worship time when I was struggling to get through it without letting all of my tears out, again. I looked next to me and saw another woman who had my emotions on her face. The tears were at the surface and I knew, even though I didn't know her full story, that we were both in a similar place. I read the grief on her face. The picture that came to my mind was people walking around pulling their heavy hearts on chains. Trying to get through the normal, day to day life, and trying to keep up with everyone around me. This feeling of a heavy weight that I am pulling behind me that keeps me from getting through the day without some difficulty. Not all days are this way. Anyone who is around me often knows I laugh, enjoy jokes, and fun, and usually my days are like any other mom.
But some days it's heavier than others. Some weeks it's heavier than others. This week it's heavy. It's taking a lot of effort to pull my heart through.
This week was a memorial concert for my brother. Beautiful, a labor of love from his friends. Music he had composed and music inspired by him. The emotions are raw and real, some are so good but some are just so hard and I'm tired. May 4th is his birthday. It was coming and it has been creeping up on me. Like it always does, because it's in the beginning of the month, and I can't think of how many times May would come around  and I'd realize I only had a couple days to think of a present!
One night that was really hard, in the beginning, I asked God how I should grieve. I didn't know what to do, or how to let the emotions come out that needed to come out. He said, sing.
Immediately I thought back to when I was about 16 and everything is dramatic and hormonal and I used to just sit and play songs on the guitar, or listen to music and cry, and pray, and sing, and cry and pray some more. It was a safe way to let it out.
But I was trapped. We lived in a studio apartment and I didn't want to do it when my kids were awake but if I waited until they were asleep then it was such a small space, it would wake them up. I could go outside but if they woke up I couldn't hear them. I would go out for just short times.
Moving to a bigger place was a gift in so many ways. I'm not great at playing the guitar, or singing. But music is a release for me. As I let the emotion out, and give it back to God, the weight gets lighter. The ache isn't as intense, and I feel like I can rest. I had to figure out a way to get it out otherwise my family gets a ticking time bomb. The pressure comes out in ways that I am ashamed to admit. It's not their fault, and they don't deserve to have someone with such a short fuse.
There have been times where I make myself so busy that I end up putting God on the back burner, and even in those moments, I know He still is holding me. Keeping the pieces together.

This passage spoke to me tonight:

Psalm 42 5-8
'Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again- my Savior and my God!
Now I am deeply discouraged, but I will remember you - even from distant Mount Hermon, the source of the Jordan, from the land of Mount Mizar, I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me. 
But EACH DAY the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life.'

Then:

Psalm 43 3-5
Send out your light and your truth; let them guide me. Let them lead me to your holy mountain, to the place where you live. There I will go to the altar of God, to God - the SOURCE OF ALL MY JOY, I will praise you with my harp, O God, my God!
Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again- my Savior and my God!

(emphasis my own.)

He is my source. He is the lifter of my head. He is my joy, my hope, my salvation. I will trust in Him, and let him carry my heavy heart.

Pause Button

When life throws you a curve ball, and it smashes into your life and changes everything, it seems like there should be a pause button. Something you can press to just STOP what is going on around because it feels like your heart and your life have stopped, but everything is just going on like nothing has changed. But my whole world has. 

In two days it will be a month since my brother died unexpectedly.

The past few weeks I have been struggling to keep up with life, my kids, homeschooling, friends, the school we are helping to run.... Like I'm treading water with a brick on top of my head. Talking to a student who is wondering about a form I was going to send them and why hasn't it come? Because they were accepted right before I flew back for my brother's memorial service. And I forgot. So much is trying to process in my brain and my heart right now that I feel like it's a struggle to just do the normal, everyday things. By the end of the day I'm exhausted from trying to keep my emotions, which are right on the surface always, from spilling onto every person around me. I don't always succeed and I have made a mess of a few people's shirts. I'm so thankful that they don't mind. That I'm surrounded by love, and friends who understand, and that my heart is held together by the God who's love is real and tangible in these moments. 

The tidal waves of grief have become less intense and a dull, heavy ache is setting in. I have to figure out my new normal. It's a learning process. I'm sorry for my lack of communication to so many. I just haven't been able to keep up with everything. 

Knowing I'll see him again someday, is a comfort and I am so grateful for that. But I keep thinking of how my kids won't really remember him, and he was such a good uncle. And how different holidays and visits home will be without home there, and so many other things, the list goes on. The ache is deep. 

Thank you so much to all who have been praying, writing, and surrounding me and my family with love. It is like balm to this heart. 

'The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.' Psalm 34:18

Here is Tim playing with Kaleigh and Gideon a few years back.