Hearts On Chains.

This blog entry has literally been forming in my head for months. It started one morning at a worship time when I was struggling to get through it without letting all of my tears out, again. I looked next to me and saw another woman who had my emotions on her face. The tears were at the surface and I knew, even though I didn't know her full story, that we were both in a similar place. I read the grief on her face. The picture that came to my mind was people walking around pulling their heavy hearts on chains. Trying to get through the normal, day to day life, and trying to keep up with everyone around me. This feeling of a heavy weight that I am pulling behind me that keeps me from getting through the day without some difficulty. Not all days are this way. Anyone who is around me often knows I laugh, enjoy jokes, and fun, and usually my days are like any other mom.
But some days it's heavier than others. Some weeks it's heavier than others. This week it's heavy. It's taking a lot of effort to pull my heart through.
This week was a memorial concert for my brother. Beautiful, a labor of love from his friends. Music he had composed and music inspired by him. The emotions are raw and real, some are so good but some are just so hard and I'm tired. May 4th is his birthday. It was coming and it has been creeping up on me. Like it always does, because it's in the beginning of the month, and I can't think of how many times May would come around  and I'd realize I only had a couple days to think of a present!
One night that was really hard, in the beginning, I asked God how I should grieve. I didn't know what to do, or how to let the emotions come out that needed to come out. He said, sing.
Immediately I thought back to when I was about 16 and everything is dramatic and hormonal and I used to just sit and play songs on the guitar, or listen to music and cry, and pray, and sing, and cry and pray some more. It was a safe way to let it out.
But I was trapped. We lived in a studio apartment and I didn't want to do it when my kids were awake but if I waited until they were asleep then it was such a small space, it would wake them up. I could go outside but if they woke up I couldn't hear them. I would go out for just short times.
Moving to a bigger place was a gift in so many ways. I'm not great at playing the guitar, or singing. But music is a release for me. As I let the emotion out, and give it back to God, the weight gets lighter. The ache isn't as intense, and I feel like I can rest. I had to figure out a way to get it out otherwise my family gets a ticking time bomb. The pressure comes out in ways that I am ashamed to admit. It's not their fault, and they don't deserve to have someone with such a short fuse.
There have been times where I make myself so busy that I end up putting God on the back burner, and even in those moments, I know He still is holding me. Keeping the pieces together.

This passage spoke to me tonight:

Psalm 42 5-8
'Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again- my Savior and my God!
Now I am deeply discouraged, but I will remember you - even from distant Mount Hermon, the source of the Jordan, from the land of Mount Mizar, I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me. 
But EACH DAY the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life.'

Then:

Psalm 43 3-5
Send out your light and your truth; let them guide me. Let them lead me to your holy mountain, to the place where you live. There I will go to the altar of God, to God - the SOURCE OF ALL MY JOY, I will praise you with my harp, O God, my God!
Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again- my Savior and my God!

(emphasis my own.)

He is my source. He is the lifter of my head. He is my joy, my hope, my salvation. I will trust in Him, and let him carry my heavy heart.

A Steady Beat

After the last post (two months ago!), Nathaniel started working on a movie set and although we saw him every now and then, he was basically gone for a month. This job was a huge blessing in so many ways, but as I saw that month coming I steeled myself up for it. When he is gone the burden of caring for house and home became a little heavier. Play dates, staff meetings, home school... it all added up and we kept ourselves busy enough to keep ourselves afloat. A rhythm was established for while dad was gone. When he was done, we were so happy to have him home! But we needed to reestablish our old rhythm and take time as a family to reconnect. All in all, it's been a great two months.
As the days roll I find a peace in the steady beat of life. We are accustomed to the ebb and flow of people here on the campus, we are accustomed to community living. In reality, I love it.
Christmas is upon us and I love passing the joy, hope, and excitement of the season to my children. Decorating, baking, (although Christmas cookies six at a time in a toaster oven is not ideal!), Christmas tree, putting money in the salvation army bucket, carols... all leading to the one day where we celebrate the Savior who left his rightful place up in heaven to come to us as a humble babe born in a stable.
This time of year stirs up my heart with so much love. And yet, just like that *snaps fingers* it will be over. We build up to it...and then it's done. And we go back to that steady rhythm.
As I was reading in my Bible the other day I read the verse where it talks about being a living sacrifice. Romans 12:1 'Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ' 
As I live and breathe, I should be a living sacrifice. At all times. Dying to self, giving back to God and giving to others. This sounds exhausting. I think of my steady beat through life and I get exhausted just thinking about what it would take to do that. But then in this special time God showed me a different picture. Here is the month leading up to His birth. I LOVE this time and so I put the extra effort forth to bake, decorate, teach the kids about baby Jesus and what that means for them, and all of the things that have to do with Christmas. On TOP of what I already have to do. It should be extra exhausting but it's not, because it brings me so much joy. Celebrating Jesus brings me joy! LIFE should be this way. Teaching my kids how amazing it is to have a relationship with God, Preparing them for the joys and challenges of adulthood, and knowing that God has great plans for me and that won't ever change. Celebrating Jesus all the time. All year, should be a celebration of Him. The one who gave so much and showed the ultimate example of what it means to sacrifice. I feel I can look at the coming year with expectation. Celebrating life and the One who gave us life so abundantly!

Merry Christmas Everyone! <3

Run With Endurance

Head down, eyes watching your feet pound the pavement, knowing you've almost reached the end of the race but you are so tired and worn, that you hardly feel you can make it to the end. Then you see this up ahead. 

Your feet pound a little faster, you lift up your head and look towards the finish line. You're heart is encouraged and when you see the end you run! You made it! 

I loved seeing the encouraging messages written all over the path for the runners of the Iron Man Race here in Kona. Encouragement in so many different languages, colors, and sizes. I could see the runners in the last leg of the race who were SO tired, hot, sweating.... and yet they kept on. To be in that moment, and see a message written to you to give you strength and keep you going forward would be just the thing to put the spring in your step! It was amazing to watch the race. And I would say inspiring... but I feel in order to say that it would mean it had inspired me to do something. And do you don't see me exercising? Hahahaha. I guess I have been trying to drink a little less soda. 

So many times in my life it feels like I'm just pushing through, staring at my feet and watching them move forward until the next day comes. Somewhere along the way my gaze drifts down, and things don't look as hopeful when you stare at your feet. You won't see anything new, hopeful, or exciting if you are just staring at your sneakers (if they are like mine, they look pretty new, because like I said, I don't do much exercise =D ). In those moments, God brings me encouragement. Through my friends or family, a song, a verse... something that reminds me to look up and set my eyes back on what is important. On finishing, and enjoying the race while I'm at it. 

This song brought me to my knees first, then I lifted my gaze upwards. 

Two lines that get me every time:

When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world?

I try to take life back right out of the hands of the king of the world?

(King of The World: Natalie Grant)

So we keep moving. We keep running the race that God has set before us, following His lead and knowing we are not alone in this race. He is right beside us, so put it back in his hands. The burden will lift and so will your eyes. 

Hebrews 12:1-2

12 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. 2 We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.[a]Because of the joy[b] awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.

My Sanity Milk

This post... is not very profound. Just a warning. haha!

Every night, unless I am dead beat tired, or sick or something... I sit down and I have a glass of milk. Unless we have (gasp!) run out of milk and I have to drink super cold water. This is not quite as effective but has worked in some cases. It helps keep me sane.  Even when my morning starts earlier than planned, like the other morning at 5:40am, when a giant cockroach crawled down my arm while I was in bed nursing, and I had to chase it around with a flip flop while baby was still attached (Nathaniel came to my rescue), I sit down at night after all is quiet and have a glass of milk.
By myself.
So many people have told me they do their quiet time with Jesus in the morning. It's best to start off your morning with God and everything else flows from there, they say.
But I have tried this and it seems almost physically impossible for me to wake up earlier than I have to (aka before the kids wake up and decide they are starving). Mostly because of this bad habit I have of staying up later than I should. So if I have this bad habit, I might as well put it to good use and do my quiet time at night. Most of my blogging happens at night as well since that is when I have done my quiet time (usually) and actually have something to talk about. Tonight I am doing it backwards and blogging first, quiet time second. Milk is already gone so I may have to pour a little more...
Jesus and I have come to an agreement. Maybe because I am much more enjoyable to hang out with at night since I am not as grumpy. Sometimes you just do what works for you. I love to multitask so often my 'quiet time' actually just mean 'alone time with God' because I also have music playing in my ears.
To be honest I've been slacking. Doing a blog actually helps to keep me accountable. It reminds me to keep searching and looking for inspiration from God.
If anything comes out of this post it would be, to find what's right for you. There is more than just one way to do things. I even have an app that is AWESOME called Echo to help me pray.
I put my list of prayers in it, set random times during the day and it reminds me to pray throughout the day!!! This has been so good for me. I don't enter my password on my Ipod until I have prayed for that thing. Is it dumb that I use an app for this? Maybe. I don't care. It's helpful and this is what I have found to help me. Here is the link: Echo Prayer App
Figure out how to make it work. Is it too hard to memorize scripture? Get scripture songs! Already have too much stuff in your diaper bag to carry a Bible with you to church? Get the Bible on your phone!
Trust me I'm not perfect. Anyone who knows me, knows that. But we should always be striving to improve. Even if it's a tiny step, it's still a step.
Keep walking forward.

One of those family photos that didn't quite work out. Haha.
See? Imperfect. 

And So I Will Dwell....

Almost a month has gone by since my last post, and so much has built up in my heart I don't really know where to begin...
This month I have been learning about dwelling places. Too much to get into details but there have been struggles this month and personally I have been struggling back and forth with things and taking on the impossible task of a wrestling match with God. My spirit feels a little bruised and tired but the outcome was not a body slam into the ground like you would maybe expect, but instead a sheltering, loving hug from my Heavenly Father. Isn't that just how it is wrestling with children? You roll around on the floor with them, they get their energy out and see how strong they can be and if they can overtake you, so you play along for a little while. When you decide it's been enough, more often than not that wrestling match turns into a hug.
I had to get that energy, frustration, and confusion out. Even though I knew I could never win, I still needed to wrestle and ask why. Instead of telling me why, God pulled me in closer to him and reminded me to praise. The song that WOULD NOT LEAVE MY HEAD?
"Your praise will, ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips, your praise will, ever be on my lips..."
Hint maybe? So I praise. I find things to be grateful for. Like songs that God puts in my head to remind me, or to minister to me. I'm grateful for my kids, for my husband, for God's provision. So that even when my heart is hurting over loss, and the tears run down my face, I don't have to stay there. My lesson this month has been not to dwell in the pain. To not stay there, because the longer I do, the harder it is to get out of it. It says in Psalm 91: 1-2
"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, "My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust!"
Picking up my tent stakes and make my dwelling in His shelter. Such a secure camping spot. When the storm is raging all around me, I am safe.
If you ever get sick of my sharing songs... Sorry not sorry! Music is something I am so, so, thankful to have. The other day I heard a beautiful song on the radio called, Thy Will, by Hillary Scott. This song was written by Hillary after she experienced a miscarriage and this song shows that beautiful struggle so well. The back and forth of hurt and pain, but yet knowing God's truth and speaking it over the situation. I could feel the emotions in the song because even though I wasn't going through the same thing she was, the emotions were the same. So I am choosing to dwell in Him. Even when I don't understand everything, I will place my trust in the One who's ways are higher than my ways.

Thy Will, by Hillary Scott - Music Video

Thy Will

I’m so confused
I know I heard You loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of Your plan
When I try to pray
All I’ve got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know You’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know You think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all Your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that You’re God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will

I know You see me
I know You hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness You have in store
I know You hear me
I know You see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness You have in store
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know You see me
I know You hear me, Lord
_____________________________________________________

The Lights, The Lights, The Lights...

Most of the time when I get ready to write a blog, I have some alone time with God (usually while doing dishes or going somewhere because I am a multi-tasker to a fault), and that inspires me to pour some of the overflow of my heart through my keyboard and onto... the internet? Yes. Onto this blog. Why? Because it helps me to process and remember things better. Also because many times I have read someone's blog and been inspired, moved, or motivated, just by their everyday life. So I pay it forward.
Also to help keep me inspired. I often have some dessert and a glass of milk next to me. I'll grab that in a sec. Sugar keeps me going. Haha.
So yesterday marked the nine year anniversary of when my husband and I got married. Many people go on a romantic date on their anniversary. We didn't. Instead we packed the kids up and drove 2 hours to the other side of the island and spent the day in Hilo! The free zoo there was fun and after lunch we went to a little place called Coconut Island. You walk over on a foot bridge and there is a very small island with areas to swim. Afterwords we walked around in a beautiful garden that had MANY mosquitoes. It was over all a very good day. My favorite part though was on the way back. The road that goes across the island is called Saddle Road and reaches an elevation of 6,600 feet. You go up, up, up... and then come back down. On this road is where  you can access the visitors center and the observatory on the dormant volcano; Mauna Kea. (The Tallest mountain in the world).
Let me paint the picture for you.
All three kids are asleep in the back seat, We see the last of the sun go down behind the mountains and it's light disappears. We are out in the middle of nowhere on this road that has no street lights, and we have Coldplay playing softly.
The stars were AMAZING. If we thought our little wind up car could have climbed the hill we would have gone to the observatory, but even from our car we could see the stars so well. Beautiful.
I could have looked at them forever. It just blows your mind to see the heavens and how amazing they are. Two feelings went through me. First I felt so small and insignificant, and He felt SO BIG.
How excellent is Your name in all the earth, Who have set Your glory above the heavens! When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, The moon and the stars, which You have ordained, What is man that You are mindful of him, And the son of man that You visit him? PSALM 8:1,3-4

Then I felt... so loved. Who am I that He is mindful of me? But He IS. Who am I that He would speak to me? But He DOES. Because of Him, I am significant. This meme that  you see popping up all over Facebook, just became so real for me. Sometimes we desperately need to go somewhere new and gain fresh perspective on life. I had become so stuck in my little world that I lost sight of the big picture. I am so grateful for the beauty of creation that is always testifying to the greatness of it's Creator. 
'

Scattered Pieces of My Heart

About five and a half years ago, I hit a pretty low spot. We had been in missions for about 3 1/2 years and the constant emotional ups and downs were draining me. For two of those years we had been trying to start a family and that was really draining me as well. I remember so well as we prayed about what to do next, and God opened the doors to go back to Wisconsin, that I was almost too afraid to believe it was true.
God knew my heart needed to go home. Shortly after we made the decision that we would be going back, we found out we were expecting Kaleigh. I was so excited, I almost was afraid to believe that was real as well! I probably took five tests just to makes sure.
It was the start of God healing my heart. Because I love people. I love getting to know them, hearing their stories... We made so many friends during our time in Panama. But we also had to say goodbye so many times. I had NEVER experienced this before. My husband grew up this way but for me it was so foreign. Getting close to people and then having them move to another country 6 months later, it felt like my heart was constantly being sent in different places. Or when I would travel, meet people, and then have to leave. No matter which way it happened, it was hard.
I got tired of it to be honest. I remember one girl coming on to staff for a little while and we were both kind of in the same place where it felt like our hearts were too tender from all of the goodbyes that we had both decided separately not to befriend each other. Dumb plan didn't work. I love her anyway! And I haven't seen her since Panama.
By the time we moved back to Wisconsin I had little by little hardened my heart. In my head I rationalized it...I have enough friends, I can be friendly but not put my self  out there, not everyone needs to be close to me.
I sat there in church one day during a weekly Bible study all tense in my chair, just hanging on to Kaleigh in my belly and trying so hard not to let my wall that I had built around my heart, come down. The only way I could hold it up and keep myself 'safe' was not to listen when God spoke because I know I'm not called to be isolated. But God was after me that night. He wasn't going to let me get away with it anymore, I had turned a deaf ear long enough. Through the weeks of the Bible study He had slowly been loosening my grip and that night as I closed my eyes and asked him to show me something, He gave me a picture of a bird cage. There was a bird sitting inside of it but the door was open.
I was that bird. That was my cage. The cage felt really safe, but God was showing me that the door was open. And instead of being free I was choosing to sit there and not fly! Why did God give birds wings? To FLY! And yet I was choosing a life of captivity. He wanted me to be free.
You would think after that, since it was pretty clear, that I would have just surrendered. But instead, God in all His mercy, gave me time. Brick by brick he pulled down that wall and did a work on my heart in the process. Giving me the strength to open my heart again and step out of that cage.
It's so much better out here guys. I meet new people all the time. I have so many friends from all over and I just love each one of them. I have my core friends back home that will always be my nearest and dearest. I don't know what I would do with out them.
But God can teach me so much through each new person I meet. I can relate to each person in a different way. Or always have the 'mom connection' when I see other mothers. How can we touch anyone's life if we don't invite them into ours? It may be messy, and sometimes my kids are naughty, and I'm FAR from perfect, but you are welcome to join us. I use to think hospitality was having an elaborate meal planned and the house spotless, but I'm learning more that it is welcoming people into your home whether it inconveniences you or not, and whether you were ready, or not! Helping them to feel comfortable. And if I could get my act together I'd try to at least always have snacks around! Even if my floor needs to be vacuumed.
Goodbyes are still hard. and it sucks. But I learn to keep my eyes on Him during these times. The healing process has gotten a lot faster now that I know how to turn it over to God.
I'm not really sure why I felt I should share this? Maybe to encourage someone? But most of all I just wanted to show how God can help you out of those desert times. That relationships with people can be hard but it is so worth it, and my life is richer because of the multitude of people that are in it.

John 8:36

'So if the son sets you free, You will be free indeed.'

You Make Me Brave

Our little A had just turned one month old and the holidays were upon us. I love the holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas in particular. The fun and 'magic' of this time of year makes me so happy and I want the same thing for my kids! So one Saturday there was a Christmas parade happening in downtown Raleigh, I knew I wanted to take the kids. The problem was, Nathaniel had to work that day and I would be doing it alone. Well, we didn't get there on time, probably about twenty or thirty minutes late, but it wasn't a big deal because the parade would be 2 hours long! I loaded the two older kids into our stroller and put the baby in my ring sling. It was a bit of a load to push up the hill and through the crowds to the parade but we did it! A nice mom had her kids scootch over so mine could sit on the curb as well. I was standing but that suited fine so I could keep an eye on everything.

The parade was almost done and as it was finishing the sweet mom in front of me chatted a little and then said, "You are so brave! My baby is older than yours and I was too nervous to bring him. I left him home with his dad."
It struck me as odd that she would call ME brave. I brushed it off saying I couldn't leave the baby home since she is breastfed and her dad was working anyway, then thanked her for giving my kids a spot to sit. She was such a nice lady. As I packed the kids up to start the daunting task of fighting the crowds going back to their cars, another man with his kids and wife who had been sitting next to us, also said how brave he thought I was! I said, "You do what you've got to do, you know?" But it blew me away!
I thought, these are my kids! Who else would take them? If I can't do it, who can? What about all the single moms? (For whom I have GREAT respect, let me tell you!) Whenever I need to do something that feels like a large task, or something I'm not ready for, or something that seems really difficult, I automatically think of someone who has it worse than I do. Some women would LOVE to have three kids but have trouble conceiving. Some moms don't have a car to get where they need to go... and so on. But I never thought of myself as brave. I don't think I ever have.
This has rattled around in my brain for a while these past couple of weeks. What does it mean to be brave? I looked up the definition and this is what I found:

Brave: Feeling or showing no fear : Not afraid
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/brave

So it would end up, that I actually AM brave and I just never knew it! That day instead of dwelling on how difficult it would be, I just did it. Loaded my three kids into the car by myself, buckled them all in, drove there with a newborn who is not a fan of being in the car, found a parking spot in the craziness of all the people going to the parade, got them all to the parade and navigated around the crowd with my large stroller and a baby attached to me, and watched the parade. Instead of being afraid, I just did it. I kept a close eye on my kids to make sure I didn't lose them among the thousands of people there, I kept an eye on the stroller to make sure nobody stole our stuff, I took pictures of the parade to record the moment, and nursed my one month old, standing up with her in the sling. (What would I do if I didn't have a ring sling?!) Yes, before I left I almost ditched the idea of going at all. I was tired and it made me nervous to think of doing it by myself. But the kids loved it. They sat through that whole parade, with out fussing and it was all worth it. You do what you've got to do. I couldn't let the kids see how nervous I was. And I knew that really, I wasn't alone because God says, "Fear not! For I am with you!" (Isaiah 41:10). It is much easier to show no fear, or have no fear and be brave, when you have an all powerful God on your side. Yes! I still got flustered, I may have had a few moments of mom fail that day, like baby A peeing through all of her clothes and onto me, but it all worked out well in the end.
YOU are brave. If you are someone who feels fear just at the thought of going out in public, but you do it anyway, you are brave! If making a new friend or opening up to someone new scares the daylights out of you, but you do it anyway, YOU are brave! Do you see what I'm getting at here? The brave ones are not only people who have done amazing thing like David facing Goliath or, Daniel standing up for his beliefs knowing he would end up in the lions den. The brave ones are the people who face things that scare them, that make them nervous, and they do it anyway. They show no fear. Maybe someone else doesn't have that same fear, but they have another fear they have to face. It touched me to hear these other people giving me encouragement. The fact that I was brave in something that I thought shouldn't be a big deal (even though to me it was), and maybe helped another person be brave, is exciting. We can inspire others to face their fears,
Be an inspiration! And if you are still struggling, remember that if you ask him to be, God will be with you. As I write this a song is in my heart because it is so right for this moment.

You Make Me Brave by Amanda Cook; Bethel Music

I stand before You now
The greatness of your renown
I have heard of the majesty and wonder of you
King of Heaven, in humility, I bow

As Your love, in wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You made a way for all to enter in

I have heard You calling my name
I have heard the song of love that You sing
So I will let You draw me out beyond the shore
Into Your grace
Your grace

You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way

You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises you made
You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves

You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises you made

Read more: Bethel Music - You Make Me Brave Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

You Make Me Brave: Youtube video

God can make us brave, the love for your children or someone close to you, can make you brave.
YOU are brave.