A Steady Beat

After the last post (two months ago!), Nathaniel started working on a movie set and although we saw him every now and then, he was basically gone for a month. This job was a huge blessing in so many ways, but as I saw that month coming I steeled myself up for it. When he is gone the burden of caring for house and home became a little heavier. Play dates, staff meetings, home school... it all added up and we kept ourselves busy enough to keep ourselves afloat. A rhythm was established for while dad was gone. When he was done, we were so happy to have him home! But we needed to reestablish our old rhythm and take time as a family to reconnect. All in all, it's been a great two months.
As the days roll I find a peace in the steady beat of life. We are accustomed to the ebb and flow of people here on the campus, we are accustomed to community living. In reality, I love it.
Christmas is upon us and I love passing the joy, hope, and excitement of the season to my children. Decorating, baking, (although Christmas cookies six at a time in a toaster oven is not ideal!), Christmas tree, putting money in the salvation army bucket, carols... all leading to the one day where we celebrate the Savior who left his rightful place up in heaven to come to us as a humble babe born in a stable.
This time of year stirs up my heart with so much love. And yet, just like that *snaps fingers* it will be over. We build up to it...and then it's done. And we go back to that steady rhythm.
As I was reading in my Bible the other day I read the verse where it talks about being a living sacrifice. Romans 12:1 'Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ' 
As I live and breathe, I should be a living sacrifice. At all times. Dying to self, giving back to God and giving to others. This sounds exhausting. I think of my steady beat through life and I get exhausted just thinking about what it would take to do that. But then in this special time God showed me a different picture. Here is the month leading up to His birth. I LOVE this time and so I put the extra effort forth to bake, decorate, teach the kids about baby Jesus and what that means for them, and all of the things that have to do with Christmas. On TOP of what I already have to do. It should be extra exhausting but it's not, because it brings me so much joy. Celebrating Jesus brings me joy! LIFE should be this way. Teaching my kids how amazing it is to have a relationship with God, Preparing them for the joys and challenges of adulthood, and knowing that God has great plans for me and that won't ever change. Celebrating Jesus all the time. All year, should be a celebration of Him. The one who gave so much and showed the ultimate example of what it means to sacrifice. I feel I can look at the coming year with expectation. Celebrating life and the One who gave us life so abundantly!

Merry Christmas Everyone! <3

It's Just A Water Bottle

How often does God do something for us and we just don't even notice? Do we look for Him in the everyday things? I often tell my kids that God wants us to talk to Him about EVERYTHING. Even those things that seem so small that you figure He wouldn't care anyway because He has pretty important things to worry about. Like the world. So Lately I have been working to put this into practice. Driving around in a parking lot that is full and waiting for a spot. When someone finally leaves instead of thinking how we wish it had been faster, we tell God thanks for providing a spot, it's even more exciting when it's shaded! I want to show the kids how God works in all things. These last couple of weeks I failed in this area. The quarter was ending and we knew there was limited space on base for staff. Since our school has just ended, I was really nervous they would tell us we needed to find a place off base, yet nothing had opened up yet that we could afford. When they told us they had room I was SO relieved. Then they told me which room. And I failed. I was upset. It was exactly where I was hoping they would not put us. The building that I was sure had no breeze, just from looking at it. The room was dirty. (It had been unoccupied for quite some time), and most of all, we would have to do a lot of work to get over there.
So here I was praying God would provide a place for us to stay on base, and then I turned around and threw it back in His face. UGH. I feel terrible just thinking about it. After venting and sharing a bunch of my childish attitude. I started cleaning the room where we would be staying. Through coffee and cleaning God started working on my heart and I began to see all of the good things about the new room. New sink, new shower, the sun doesn't pound into the windows in the afternoon, better mattresses, the parking lot is closer, and BEST of all, we are over an office. That means at night when the kids want to jump around. It's fine!! Truly we upgraded, and now that I can see it, I am so grateful. I just wish I would have looked for the good  in the beginning.

Now this issue, is not nearly as pressing as a place to live. Not at all. But I went to God with it anyway. I like to have a water bottle by my bed. One with a straw! I had one like this but Alinah ended up braking it and I was pretty bummed. Do I buy another? Nah. We have a bunch of cups I should really just use those. But I'm actually lazy enough that I hate to sit up when I am thirsty at night and I inevitably ended up getting kind of wet because I'd try to lazily sip it without doing any work. This is a trivial thing. And I could have just bought a water bottle but I kept thinking it was just too silly that I didn't want to use a cup, so I just waited. Nathaniel had a day off the other day and we went to the small county fair on the other side of the island. Lo and behold, one of the prizes we won at the Geico booth where the kids spun a wheel, was a water bottle! With a straw! I knew God was taking care of the little things. Even though it was silly, it was something I really wanted.
Don't just go to Him with the big things. Go to Him with ALL things. I'm not saying you'll just start getting free stuff. Just know that He cares about all of the details. Maybe He is already working on some things and you just haven't realized it was Him yet. I could have easily passed off the water bottle as a coincidence, but I love thinking of it as a little gift. Don't just say thank you for the big things... Say thank for you for even the smallest.

Mom's Night Out, Volcano, and A Date...

I feel like most of my posts end up being very reflective and maybe someone reading the posts may think I am a very serious person. Is that true? I usually end up throwing a joke or two in there because that's actually what I usually do. My days do not always consist of me sitting and being introspective, and praying about how I should let God fix me (Although I should probably pray more about that!). The majority of my days are spent like many other stay at home moms. Feeding children, cleaning, playdates, homeschool, feeding children, cleaning, going to the park, browsing facebook, cooking, wondering why my house is still dirty even when I wrote cleaning two times... As a mom and as a YWAM'er I have learned to be very flexible. A friend texts me at 8:30am and asks if we want to go the park and I reply, 'Sure, let me get out of my PJ's and we will be right there!'
Friday night I went to a Ladies night at our church with some friends (without kids!) and had so much fun. They had a cupcake war (making them, not throwing them), provided dinner, and also one of the ladies shared her beautiful testimony.
Then Saturday morning we woke up and remembered the national parks were free that day! So as quickly as a family of five can, we threw on our clothes, grabbed a bag of a variety of snacks to throw at the children during the 2 hour drive, and headed to Volcano National Park. It was really fun to just do something random as a family and even though we didn't have a lot of time there (Because later that night Nathaniel and I went on a date. TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW with a break from kids! Epic!!) we had a great time doing some exploring. Nathaniel got to tell us all sorts of fun things about the volcano and the plants now that he is a bonafide tour guide. It was day time so we weren't able to see the lava glowing but it was all so new and fun to see. We drove home going around the south side of the island where I've never been before. On the way out to the park, every hill Gideon saw, he thought it was a volcano and some were either 'sleeping' or about to 'plode'. It was so cute and funny! For about the first 20 minutes anyway.
This weekend was relaxing. Last week we started Homeschool and it has been good but it will take a little time to find our rhythm. It was just what I needed, to be able to get out and do something new. I like routine but I also get to the point where it almost makes me feel claustrophobic and I need to get out and do something different! I have never really been a homebody, I like to be out and doing something. So this weekend it was like God was refreshing me. It was so needed and I am so grateful. Sometimes you just need to be a little spontaneous! Or at least I do.

The kids discussing the crater and how big their owies would be if the fell in.

Going through the Thurston Lava Tube

In front of the crater of the live volcano

My Sanity Milk

This post... is not very profound. Just a warning. haha!

Every night, unless I am dead beat tired, or sick or something... I sit down and I have a glass of milk. Unless we have (gasp!) run out of milk and I have to drink super cold water. This is not quite as effective but has worked in some cases. It helps keep me sane.  Even when my morning starts earlier than planned, like the other morning at 5:40am, when a giant cockroach crawled down my arm while I was in bed nursing, and I had to chase it around with a flip flop while baby was still attached (Nathaniel came to my rescue), I sit down at night after all is quiet and have a glass of milk.
By myself.
So many people have told me they do their quiet time with Jesus in the morning. It's best to start off your morning with God and everything else flows from there, they say.
But I have tried this and it seems almost physically impossible for me to wake up earlier than I have to (aka before the kids wake up and decide they are starving). Mostly because of this bad habit I have of staying up later than I should. So if I have this bad habit, I might as well put it to good use and do my quiet time at night. Most of my blogging happens at night as well since that is when I have done my quiet time (usually) and actually have something to talk about. Tonight I am doing it backwards and blogging first, quiet time second. Milk is already gone so I may have to pour a little more...
Jesus and I have come to an agreement. Maybe because I am much more enjoyable to hang out with at night since I am not as grumpy. Sometimes you just do what works for you. I love to multitask so often my 'quiet time' actually just mean 'alone time with God' because I also have music playing in my ears.
To be honest I've been slacking. Doing a blog actually helps to keep me accountable. It reminds me to keep searching and looking for inspiration from God.
If anything comes out of this post it would be, to find what's right for you. There is more than just one way to do things. I even have an app that is AWESOME called Echo to help me pray.
I put my list of prayers in it, set random times during the day and it reminds me to pray throughout the day!!! This has been so good for me. I don't enter my password on my Ipod until I have prayed for that thing. Is it dumb that I use an app for this? Maybe. I don't care. It's helpful and this is what I have found to help me. Here is the link: Echo Prayer App
Figure out how to make it work. Is it too hard to memorize scripture? Get scripture songs! Already have too much stuff in your diaper bag to carry a Bible with you to church? Get the Bible on your phone!
Trust me I'm not perfect. Anyone who knows me, knows that. But we should always be striving to improve. Even if it's a tiny step, it's still a step.
Keep walking forward.

One of those family photos that didn't quite work out. Haha.
See? Imperfect. 

And So I Will Dwell....

Almost a month has gone by since my last post, and so much has built up in my heart I don't really know where to begin...
This month I have been learning about dwelling places. Too much to get into details but there have been struggles this month and personally I have been struggling back and forth with things and taking on the impossible task of a wrestling match with God. My spirit feels a little bruised and tired but the outcome was not a body slam into the ground like you would maybe expect, but instead a sheltering, loving hug from my Heavenly Father. Isn't that just how it is wrestling with children? You roll around on the floor with them, they get their energy out and see how strong they can be and if they can overtake you, so you play along for a little while. When you decide it's been enough, more often than not that wrestling match turns into a hug.
I had to get that energy, frustration, and confusion out. Even though I knew I could never win, I still needed to wrestle and ask why. Instead of telling me why, God pulled me in closer to him and reminded me to praise. The song that WOULD NOT LEAVE MY HEAD?
"Your praise will, ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips, your praise will, ever be on my lips..."
Hint maybe? So I praise. I find things to be grateful for. Like songs that God puts in my head to remind me, or to minister to me. I'm grateful for my kids, for my husband, for God's provision. So that even when my heart is hurting over loss, and the tears run down my face, I don't have to stay there. My lesson this month has been not to dwell in the pain. To not stay there, because the longer I do, the harder it is to get out of it. It says in Psalm 91: 1-2
"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, "My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust!"
Picking up my tent stakes and make my dwelling in His shelter. Such a secure camping spot. When the storm is raging all around me, I am safe.
If you ever get sick of my sharing songs... Sorry not sorry! Music is something I am so, so, thankful to have. The other day I heard a beautiful song on the radio called, Thy Will, by Hillary Scott. This song was written by Hillary after she experienced a miscarriage and this song shows that beautiful struggle so well. The back and forth of hurt and pain, but yet knowing God's truth and speaking it over the situation. I could feel the emotions in the song because even though I wasn't going through the same thing she was, the emotions were the same. So I am choosing to dwell in Him. Even when I don't understand everything, I will place my trust in the One who's ways are higher than my ways.

Thy Will, by Hillary Scott - Music Video

Thy Will

I’m so confused
I know I heard You loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of Your plan
When I try to pray
All I’ve got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know You’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know You think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all Your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that You’re God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will

I know You see me
I know You hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness You have in store
I know You hear me
I know You see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness You have in store
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know You see me
I know You hear me, Lord
_____________________________________________________

Scattered Pieces of My Heart

About five and a half years ago, I hit a pretty low spot. We had been in missions for about 3 1/2 years and the constant emotional ups and downs were draining me. For two of those years we had been trying to start a family and that was really draining me as well. I remember so well as we prayed about what to do next, and God opened the doors to go back to Wisconsin, that I was almost too afraid to believe it was true.
God knew my heart needed to go home. Shortly after we made the decision that we would be going back, we found out we were expecting Kaleigh. I was so excited, I almost was afraid to believe that was real as well! I probably took five tests just to makes sure.
It was the start of God healing my heart. Because I love people. I love getting to know them, hearing their stories... We made so many friends during our time in Panama. But we also had to say goodbye so many times. I had NEVER experienced this before. My husband grew up this way but for me it was so foreign. Getting close to people and then having them move to another country 6 months later, it felt like my heart was constantly being sent in different places. Or when I would travel, meet people, and then have to leave. No matter which way it happened, it was hard.
I got tired of it to be honest. I remember one girl coming on to staff for a little while and we were both kind of in the same place where it felt like our hearts were too tender from all of the goodbyes that we had both decided separately not to befriend each other. Dumb plan didn't work. I love her anyway! And I haven't seen her since Panama.
By the time we moved back to Wisconsin I had little by little hardened my heart. In my head I rationalized it...I have enough friends, I can be friendly but not put my self  out there, not everyone needs to be close to me.
I sat there in church one day during a weekly Bible study all tense in my chair, just hanging on to Kaleigh in my belly and trying so hard not to let my wall that I had built around my heart, come down. The only way I could hold it up and keep myself 'safe' was not to listen when God spoke because I know I'm not called to be isolated. But God was after me that night. He wasn't going to let me get away with it anymore, I had turned a deaf ear long enough. Through the weeks of the Bible study He had slowly been loosening my grip and that night as I closed my eyes and asked him to show me something, He gave me a picture of a bird cage. There was a bird sitting inside of it but the door was open.
I was that bird. That was my cage. The cage felt really safe, but God was showing me that the door was open. And instead of being free I was choosing to sit there and not fly! Why did God give birds wings? To FLY! And yet I was choosing a life of captivity. He wanted me to be free.
You would think after that, since it was pretty clear, that I would have just surrendered. But instead, God in all His mercy, gave me time. Brick by brick he pulled down that wall and did a work on my heart in the process. Giving me the strength to open my heart again and step out of that cage.
It's so much better out here guys. I meet new people all the time. I have so many friends from all over and I just love each one of them. I have my core friends back home that will always be my nearest and dearest. I don't know what I would do with out them.
But God can teach me so much through each new person I meet. I can relate to each person in a different way. Or always have the 'mom connection' when I see other mothers. How can we touch anyone's life if we don't invite them into ours? It may be messy, and sometimes my kids are naughty, and I'm FAR from perfect, but you are welcome to join us. I use to think hospitality was having an elaborate meal planned and the house spotless, but I'm learning more that it is welcoming people into your home whether it inconveniences you or not, and whether you were ready, or not! Helping them to feel comfortable. And if I could get my act together I'd try to at least always have snacks around! Even if my floor needs to be vacuumed.
Goodbyes are still hard. and it sucks. But I learn to keep my eyes on Him during these times. The healing process has gotten a lot faster now that I know how to turn it over to God.
I'm not really sure why I felt I should share this? Maybe to encourage someone? But most of all I just wanted to show how God can help you out of those desert times. That relationships with people can be hard but it is so worth it, and my life is richer because of the multitude of people that are in it.

John 8:36

'So if the son sets you free, You will be free indeed.'

Refreshment Please!

I often joke with people who say I have my hands full (Of kids) that an extra arm should grow, so that you don't have more kids than arms.

That would look atrocious. But it would be SOO handy!

Today was one of those days where things got a little nuts. Children were super tired, cranky, teething... and so on. I was about to call Nathaniel to come help, but I realized he forgot his phone. 

Bummer.

I told myself that this was fine, I could handle this by myself, I've done it before. But then I thought about my neighbor. On a whim I knocked on her door (They share our wall, and their door is only maybe six feet from ours don't worry!), and asked her to help me for a couple of minutes while I got the kids settled down. She was SO sweet and an extra set of hands was a huge help! I am so, so grateful. She even said how glad she was that I asked. Oh and did I mention she moved my laundry along for me? 

Trust me, Cookies will be baking soon as a thank you. 

It reminded me of a verse that I have highlighted in bright yellow, in my Bible. 

Philemon 1: 7

'Your love has given me much joy and comfort, my brother, for your kindness has often refreshed the hearts of God's people.'

Kindness refreshes hearts!!! It truly was so refreshing to be the recipient of her kindness and the more I thought of it the more I realize how much an act of kindness can affect someone. Even reading something, or seeing a video ABOUT acts of kindness has a refreshing effect on me. You know when it's summer and you've been outside and your sweating buckets and (in my case) look like a stewed tomato? Then you get a glass of cold water and it's like the best thing you've ever tasted? Yeah, that's refreshing. After that glass of water you are ready to go back out there again and keep going. 

Be that for someone. Help someone to keep going. 

Refreshment Please! 

"If Only You Could See Them Through My Eyes..."

It is Mother's Day weekend. Hence the onslaught of posts by mothers, to mothers, and about mothers. Why you ask? Because this is an important day. This day brings so many emotions. I run through them all.
Heart Bursting Love.... for my kids, and for my mom.
Guilt... for not being a better mom, or daughter, or granddaughter.
Excitement... thinking ahead to what will come as my kids get older.
Fear... thinking ahead to what will come as my kids get older! Haha. But for real though.
Amazement.... at the little blessings God entrusted to me.
Grief... when I think of the my grandmothers who are both gone, and those who's moms are no longer with them.

All these emotions, I need to process. I always find myself contemplating deeply around Mother's Day. I often find that guilt rides quickly on the heels of the crazy love I feel for my kids and reminds me of ALL my shortcomings as a mother, It starts listing all of my "mom fails". And that could go on forever because after just one week that list is quite lengthy.
I saw a giveaway on instagram and to enter you had to answer the question: What do you want to do on Mother's Day?
So I paused and thought about it. My first thought was, to be alone. No one touching me, asking me questions.... But then I thought, no. That would be nice for like an hour. Maybe two. But what I really want is to go somewhere that the kids love to be. Where they will be happy and I can sit there and watch them be happy and just soak in that Heart bursting love for them and let it refresh my spirit. Because that comes from God. I believe that's how He feels about us. The guilt will have to stay silent,because if I tell him to, the Devil has to FLEE from me in Jesus' name.
My conscience, that still small voice that comes from the Holy Spirit is a good thing. It helps me to see my faults, but in a gentle and loving way that brings correction.
Guilt, beats you over the head with a hammer relentlessly until you feel like nothing about you is good enough. That my friends, is not healthy, and is not from God. Please know the difference. I am speaking this to myself as well.
I was praying this morning. Because I needed to, since the the Holy Spirit had to get a little less gentle with me today until I listened. I asked God, "Why do I get SO frustrated with my kids so easily?!"
"If only you could see them through My eyes..."
Ahhh, I saw those words scroll through my brain. Yes. I allow my tiredness, my headache, my dirty house, my SELF, to fog the lenses through which I see my children. Oh that cleared my vision so quickly.
Kaleigh - Eager to please, serving, smart, beautiful, strong moral compass, creative, perseverent,  expressive, sensetive, made for something great....
Gideon - Strong, perfectionist, goofy, loving, adventurous, thoughtful, compassionate, protector, led by God
Alinah - Peaceful, joyful, observant, leader, light of life, listener of God's voice

When I see them through His eyes, my perspective can change. Prayer, and quiet time will be my windshield wipers to clear off the junk that I let get in the way of how I see them. It will help me to know how to build their strengths and to love them the way God loves them.
This is my plan. Will I fail? Yeah probably. But the beauty of this is that God knows my heart and is quick to forgive and to help.
So this Mother's day, I encourage you to see your kids as God sees them. Ask Him to tell you about your kids and their hearts. Write it down. Let that LOVE that He gave you for your children that makes your heart feel like its going to explode, and makes you feel like laughing and crying all at the same time, refresh you and give you that motivation to keep going! You are important, you are needed, and you are so loved.
Happy Mother's Day <3

Making this House a Home

"Mommy, where is my home?"

A while back, while visiting a friend, Kaleigh asked them, "Is this your home?"

"Yes it is!" My friend replied. "Where is your home?"

My daughter's eyes glossed over with confusion, and she looked at me. "Mommy, where is my home?"

My heart hurt a little to hear her ask this. I know it's confusing. We have moved every six months for the past two years. 

"Home is wherever your family is. So right now, our home is with your Grandma and Grandpa Wells!" She seemed satisfied with this answer and went on to play with her little friends. 

Home is where your family is. Wherever God has called you to be. But part of my job as mom and wife is to make wherever we are, feel like home. I have little roll up beds for the kids that my friend from church made, we take those everywhere so they have the same bed anywhere we are. Certain toys we bring with, to help it feel more like home. It's the little things. 

I should have taken a before picture of our apartment, with our suitcases and things in piles and disarray . But that would have truly been embarrassing. Instead I took pictures four days later after I finally got all the suitcases unpacked and things tidied up. Ha! That only took me forever! By now the jet lag is starting to wear off and Gideon actually slept through the night. (Praise the Lord, Hallelujah!). We have had one staff meeting in preparation for the school beginning this week. Wednesday Nathaniel will go to look at a van, and we are settling in. This studio apartment with a loft is beginning to feel like home and it's wonderful. Who knows how long we will be here since we are keeping our eye open for places to rent off campus, just in case. But for now, we are happy and content, and ready to make the trek down the hill to the beach. Alinah's first time! 

For a girl who lived in the same home with her family for about 10 years, it was an adjustment to move around so much. We adapt and change and I'm learning how to do this quickly and in every circumstance. 

Here is quick tour of our apartment :). 

My reminder to myself after a long four days of being jet-legged and much to short with my poor family!! 

A Silent Freight Train

Do you ever have phases where every time you look at the calendar you do a double take? What?! How is February already ending? Where did the time go? Just one year ago we were surprised by finding out we were having a baby. Now I'm holding a four month old in my arms. My oldest daughter will be five at the end of April and my son will be three next month. 

Time is a like a sneaky, silent freight train. 

You can feel it passing but it's just like wind on your face and you don't realize until you look up that the cars are flying past you and there is nothing you can do to stop it. So much happens in such a small amount of time. 

We are still in the midst of this change. At times I get overwhelmed and I have to pile it all back at God's feet and lift up my hands in surrender. 

I will be the first to admit that trust doesn't come easily to me. And why? Has God ever let me down? No. All I know is that whenever I doubt, and worry, instead of patronizing me He always comforts me. Reassures me. 

We are working on support raising as we get ready to go back on the mission field and as I see the stark difference in the $2200 a month we will need in Hawaii with our three children and the small amount we needed back when it was just the two of us in Panama, my first reaction is fear. I'm just being honest. 

Then I get those gentle reminders from God that HE is in control. And as much as I like to have things under control,it is a huge weight off my shoulders to put it in His capable hands. His will be done. Not mine. Tonight this verse was one of His loving reminders to me. 

19 See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. (Isaiah 43:19 NIV)

Yes. I DO perceive it. And I know he will make a way. No, I do not consider North Carolina a wasteland! Ha. But yes the constant moving around these last two years has been wearing. I am so ready be in one place for a while. In all this I am so grateful for the streams in the wilderness.  The friends we have made, the experiences we've had, our family. 

As time goes chugging silently by, I'll try to admire each moment, each train car, and remember it. And be thankful for it. Not worrying. But living. 

Dimly Lit City

I'm sitting here and it is quiet.

No big deal you say? Ohhhh but if only I had a sound recording of the constant chatter, laughing, screaming, yelling, crying and scolding that goes on in this house. Sometimes I wish I could wear ear plugs around the house and live in ignorant bliss! But now that would be irresponsible. So thankful for a moment of silence while baby sleeps and Hubby is out with the kids. I am wondering if he could see me slowly going insane? Nah.

This last month I have been thinking about the name we chose for baby A. Her name means 'Shining Light of Life'. We don't just chose our names on a whim, we pray about it and talk about it together. This will be their name all of their life and God will call them by this name! It is a big deal to us. I kept coming back to the name meaning 'Shining Light'. We picked the variation of that name that we liked the best and then started the search for her middle name. My husband found it, and I was excited. It was perfect! In so many ways I feel her name is a prophesy in itself. I imagine her shining God's light to every one. Of course I was more imagining that this would happen as she got older and grew to love God. But even now she brings such joy to so many people!

Maybe people in North Carolina like babies more than people in Wisconsin... no I don't think that's it. Maybe it's been so long since I carried a tiny baby around that I forgot what it's like. That's possible. But everywhere I go it seems that someone stops me to comment on how beautiful A is, how small she is, "I thought you were carrying a doll!", how sweet, how precious, such a gift...
It's amazing! I really feel as though I am stopped twice as often with this baby than I ever was with the other two. Of course my other two kids were super cute and adorable and I love them to death. But I really do feel as though there is something about little A that just shines. She brings joy to people. Unless she has gas. Then she is REALLY grumpy.

Babies naturally draw attention. They remind people of new life, that life goes on, that God still does miracles (if babies aren't miracles, I don't know what is!), and they make people remember. For some people they are painful memories but for most I believe it brings joyful memories. I hope so. I see joy on people's faces as they look at Little A. I think babies naturally shine God's light. If we were to truly surrender to God and let his light pierce through our darkness and pour out of us, then people would be drawn to that light. I know people who just seem to shine with the love of God! And people are drawn to that. I want to to shine! Not so people see me, but so they see God's light, hope and love. If I am always thinking of myself. (Which I am ashamed to admit that I am often doing just that), then God's light in my will be very dim. 

"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden." Matthew 5:14 NASB

Imagine someone  tired and weary, they have been driving for hundreds of miles and know if they don't get some gas soon they will be out and then they will be stuck. They keep praying for help and for a town and then they see, up on a hill, the dimmest of lights. Could that be it? Is that really a town? It doesn't look like anyone really lives there. Feeling helpless, they drive on. 

Sure, it was a town, it was a city on a hill. But that city was so focused inward that the shining light of hope was but a dim flicker. How often is our light just a flicker. How easily can Satan just "phh" it out? 

'This little light of mine,

I'm gonna let it shine. 

This little light of mine,

I'm gonna let it shine. 

This little light of mine,

I'm gonna let it shine. 

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine!'

Lord let your light so shine in my life, and the lives of my family that people see rays of hope! Pierce through the darkness in this world and bring life!

You Make Me Brave

Our little A had just turned one month old and the holidays were upon us. I love the holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas in particular. The fun and 'magic' of this time of year makes me so happy and I want the same thing for my kids! So one Saturday there was a Christmas parade happening in downtown Raleigh, I knew I wanted to take the kids. The problem was, Nathaniel had to work that day and I would be doing it alone. Well, we didn't get there on time, probably about twenty or thirty minutes late, but it wasn't a big deal because the parade would be 2 hours long! I loaded the two older kids into our stroller and put the baby in my ring sling. It was a bit of a load to push up the hill and through the crowds to the parade but we did it! A nice mom had her kids scootch over so mine could sit on the curb as well. I was standing but that suited fine so I could keep an eye on everything.

The parade was almost done and as it was finishing the sweet mom in front of me chatted a little and then said, "You are so brave! My baby is older than yours and I was too nervous to bring him. I left him home with his dad."
It struck me as odd that she would call ME brave. I brushed it off saying I couldn't leave the baby home since she is breastfed and her dad was working anyway, then thanked her for giving my kids a spot to sit. She was such a nice lady. As I packed the kids up to start the daunting task of fighting the crowds going back to their cars, another man with his kids and wife who had been sitting next to us, also said how brave he thought I was! I said, "You do what you've got to do, you know?" But it blew me away!
I thought, these are my kids! Who else would take them? If I can't do it, who can? What about all the single moms? (For whom I have GREAT respect, let me tell you!) Whenever I need to do something that feels like a large task, or something I'm not ready for, or something that seems really difficult, I automatically think of someone who has it worse than I do. Some women would LOVE to have three kids but have trouble conceiving. Some moms don't have a car to get where they need to go... and so on. But I never thought of myself as brave. I don't think I ever have.
This has rattled around in my brain for a while these past couple of weeks. What does it mean to be brave? I looked up the definition and this is what I found:

Brave: Feeling or showing no fear : Not afraid
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/brave

So it would end up, that I actually AM brave and I just never knew it! That day instead of dwelling on how difficult it would be, I just did it. Loaded my three kids into the car by myself, buckled them all in, drove there with a newborn who is not a fan of being in the car, found a parking spot in the craziness of all the people going to the parade, got them all to the parade and navigated around the crowd with my large stroller and a baby attached to me, and watched the parade. Instead of being afraid, I just did it. I kept a close eye on my kids to make sure I didn't lose them among the thousands of people there, I kept an eye on the stroller to make sure nobody stole our stuff, I took pictures of the parade to record the moment, and nursed my one month old, standing up with her in the sling. (What would I do if I didn't have a ring sling?!) Yes, before I left I almost ditched the idea of going at all. I was tired and it made me nervous to think of doing it by myself. But the kids loved it. They sat through that whole parade, with out fussing and it was all worth it. You do what you've got to do. I couldn't let the kids see how nervous I was. And I knew that really, I wasn't alone because God says, "Fear not! For I am with you!" (Isaiah 41:10). It is much easier to show no fear, or have no fear and be brave, when you have an all powerful God on your side. Yes! I still got flustered, I may have had a few moments of mom fail that day, like baby A peeing through all of her clothes and onto me, but it all worked out well in the end.
YOU are brave. If you are someone who feels fear just at the thought of going out in public, but you do it anyway, you are brave! If making a new friend or opening up to someone new scares the daylights out of you, but you do it anyway, YOU are brave! Do you see what I'm getting at here? The brave ones are not only people who have done amazing thing like David facing Goliath or, Daniel standing up for his beliefs knowing he would end up in the lions den. The brave ones are the people who face things that scare them, that make them nervous, and they do it anyway. They show no fear. Maybe someone else doesn't have that same fear, but they have another fear they have to face. It touched me to hear these other people giving me encouragement. The fact that I was brave in something that I thought shouldn't be a big deal (even though to me it was), and maybe helped another person be brave, is exciting. We can inspire others to face their fears,
Be an inspiration! And if you are still struggling, remember that if you ask him to be, God will be with you. As I write this a song is in my heart because it is so right for this moment.

You Make Me Brave by Amanda Cook; Bethel Music

I stand before You now
The greatness of your renown
I have heard of the majesty and wonder of you
King of Heaven, in humility, I bow

As Your love, in wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You made a way for all to enter in

I have heard You calling my name
I have heard the song of love that You sing
So I will let You draw me out beyond the shore
Into Your grace
Your grace

You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way

You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises you made
You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves

You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises you made

Read more: Bethel Music - You Make Me Brave Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

You Make Me Brave: Youtube video

God can make us brave, the love for your children or someone close to you, can make you brave.
YOU are brave.

Terror In their Eyes

These last couple of weeks here have been filled with rain, and even thunderstorms. For me, this has been wonderful because it brings some relief from the intense heat and sun beating down on you! During the day, a thunderstorm is great fun for the kids but night time is a different story...for G. I remember as a child being terrified of thunderstorms. I'd often end up crawling into my parent's bed and then I would feel safe again. K has no such worries, she just sleeps. But one night after everyone was asleep, about 10:30 P.M. or so, there was a bright flash of lightning and right away a LOUD crack of thunder. As soon as I saw the lightning I sat up waiting for the thunder that would come, and figuring they would both wake up. K stayed asleep but poor G (2 1/2 yrs. old) leaped out of his bed. The light was just right so that I could look in his eyes and see pure terror. It was heart wrenching. Nathaniel grabbed him and quickly snuggled him and I sat there and thought about it for a minute. In this situation, it later would become something cute and kind of funny. And it has. But I started thinking about so many children right now who have real terror in their eyes because of horrible things that are happening. As a parent, to watch your child be scared is such a sad thing and you automatically want to protect them and make it all better. In our situation we could, easily bring G into our bed and let him feel safe and know nothing bad was going to happen. But right now all over the world things are happening that so many parents have to watch their children be terrified, and there is nothing they can do.
It must be breaking their hearts into the tiniest pieces.
I cried that night for those parents and those kids. I cried today for them. (I just cry a lot in general these days). I watched a video of the refugees coming out of Syria and Iraq and being turned away at the borders of Europe. The scared and crying faces of the children just tear your heart in two. The helplessness that the parents, siblings, and grandparents must feel, is heartbreaking. I can't imagine being in their places. It was so eye opening for me to see that terror on G's face, it was just a glimpse of what it's like for other kids and parents in this world. Specifically I felt to pray for those refugees. How would it feel to think you were taking your children somewhere safe, only to be turned away right back into the terror you are fleeing? No where to go? I pray for them. I hope you pray for them too. I found a great article with many different options for ways to help these people. How to help the people who are there helping them. I will share it here.
Click HERE to read more about how to help the refugees!
We are blessed. So blessed to live where we do. I have never known the terror that these  people have face, and some are facing daily. I don't want to take that for granted.

My friend's husband, Steve Schallert is a very gifted song writer/musician and this song of his has been running through my head and my heart and become my prayer.

Jesus 
God of the poor 
Liberator 
Friend of the weak 

Jesus 
Light of the world 
These weary bones 
Tremble and weep 

Heal every heart 
Heal every soul 
Heal the violence we carry 
The blood in the soil 

There is blood in the soil!

A Song Of Lamentation - Steve Schallert

Still Just a Child

As I get larger, and larger (I am informed by K that the baby is getting REALLY big!), I find I rely on my four year old daughter more than I did before. If I drop something, and it falls right by my feet that I can barely see anymore, I might call her over from across the room to pick it up for me. She will go get things for me, and help me with the dustpan so I don't have to bend over while sweeping. The other day she took it upon herself to fold a load of clean laundry! Of course it wasn't perfect, and daddy had to fold his own shirts because they were just too big! But I am beginning to wonder how I was pregnant and got along with out her here. We started a little piggy bank of sorts, for her to collect dimes and nickels for when she helps with chores that are a little bigger than the normal, picking up her toys or putting her clothes in the laundry. She informs us that when she collects enough, she will share them with us. SO sweet!
My daughter is a very determined girl, and eager to learn. When she got it in her head that she wanted to do the monkey bars, she practiced and practiced. There were tears, she fell a couple times, and she even got blisters on her little hands. But she did it! Now she can go there, and back, one bar to the next without a problem. Now her next thing is wanting to swim the width of a small pool. Why am I telling you this? Well for one, I'm so proud of her! But the other day I yelled at her for something, I don't even remember what it was, and after I did that was one of the few times I felt God stop me and speak to me. "She is still a child."
Oh man. I'm tearing up again. How could I have been so foolish?! She can be so independent, helpful, and smart, that somewhere along the way I started having these odd, adult like, expectations of her. K is only FOUR. THREE years ago she was just barely walking. This is me being honest here. I am not proud of this. It was like I was expecting her to act like an adult. Not all the time, but this is definitely something I need to work on. She is still a child..., the fact that God had to stop me like that shows me how crazy I was getting. Tonight before bedtime, I asked Nathaniel to give her a quick shower and he looked up and was like, "Can't she do that by herself by now?" So you see, I'm not the only one. She really seems mature beyond her years sometimes. Dude, she's four! Although to be honest, she needs very little supervision for that task now!
This morning I took time to cuddle with her. Walking home from church and the pool, we stopped for an ice cream at McDonalds and her stomach doesn't handle dairy very well. Our double stroller's wheels broke so we have been using the single one again. Which means she was walking home. She started crying about her tummy hurting. Now I'm just being honest, we have a big drama queen for a daughter. So sometimes it's a little hard to know when she is genuine, and when it is just an exaggeration. "She is still a child."
We carried her until her stomach was settled enough that she could walk.
Tonight I was puzzling over what I could from learn from this on a spiritual level. Obviously as a mom, I have a LOT to learn. But I wanted to know how I could apply this to my walk with God. What was He trying to tell me? These verses came to me:
Matthew 18:2-4 (NLT)
Jesus called a little child to him and put the child among them. Then he said, "I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven. So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven."
The second part of that passage is also very convicting but I will stick with this part. Even after this came to my mind I was still a little confused. Then It came to me that the way I was treating K, was how I had come to treat myself when it comes to my relationship with God. Let's see if I can explain this. I had started telling myself that I needed to toughen up. Life can be hard, things are going to happen, and I just need to deal with stuff. Work harder, do more, (but it's never enough), be a better person... and that would be fine. But I was not even asking for help from God. As if I had taken on the crazy belief that I was old enough now that I should be able to just deal with these things with out always having to run to God. What a quick way to make yourself tired, and worn out.
We are God's children! As a parent I can for sure say that I always want K and G and Baby Bean #3 to be able to come to me, asking for advice, or needing emotional support, or whatever. I don't want that to stop when they are 'old enough'. There is no age limit for needing your parent. Maybe it might be something trivial, but I would still be so glad that they trusted me enough to come to me.
God wants that with us. Think back to when you were a child and would run to your parents first thing. You didn't feel silly, you just knew that being by your mom or dad would help somehow to make you feel better. Oh how I feel for those kids that don't know that kind of comfort. My heart aches for them... I want them all to know that they can have that comfort, in God. The same way I did as a child, I need to do now. God should be the FIRST one I run to when I am feeling overwhelmed, upset, mad, alone, or whatever. My Father God is always waiting with his arms wide open, ready to hold me and give me peace. I need to stop trying to be so 'grown up' and learn that it will be lot lighter of a load to carry if I allow God to carry it.
Just observing these little people that God has trusted me to take care of, I am learning so much about him and his character. We need to never stop learning and seeking the truth. The same as K asks me almost every day to do school with her, (even weekends!), I need to be seeking God out on a daily basis ready to learn something. It's easier to blog about than to actually put it into practice. But I'm a work in progress. :)

Folding Laundry 

An iPod Testimony

Have you ever thought it was silly to pray about keys that you lost? You just can't find them, but feel like God probably has more important things to do than help you find something that should have just put back into your purse? 

I've felt that way. God has shown me many different times that He cares about the small things. I will share one of these times with you. (This literally JUST happened). 

Here in Hawaii I don't have a phone. Every now and then I can borrow the one Nathaniel uses but here, my way of communicating has been my iPod. Well on Thursday I had set my iPod to airplane mode so I could let K play on it while I finished my last 15 minutes at the boutique, working. The battery died and after I charged it, the iPod screen would not respond to me touching it. At all. I figured no big deal and hooked it up to my computer. Nothing I tried worked because I was unable to enter the lock code and it was not hooked up to the Internet. I spent probably over an hour on the apple chat with tech support trying to figure it out and we ran into a dead end at every turn. They finally said my only option was to take it into a store and have them troubleshoot it. That would be no big deal except the closest store is about 10 minutes away... If you have a car. That's a little too far of a walk for me. I was so frustrated. I also wasn't sure if I would end up needing to pay for a repair. We really have no money for that. Finally today I had one more idea. I sat K down and told we were going to pray this worked. So we did. 

It looked like it was going to work (putting it in recovery mode and restoring it that way, therefore bypassing the passcode and the iCloud 'find my phone' feature). Then it stopped and said it wouldn't work. I tried twice. I was so bummed. I unplugged it, and guess what?! You guessed it! It works! So not only did I not have to restore it and lose everything on my iPod, but I am positive that God answered our prayer and of course He had a better idea than I did. We quickly sat down again and thanked Him for answering our prayers. I took the chance to encourage K that she can talk to God about everything, even if it seems silly. 

Maybe to some people this seems like no big deal. But right now I feel loved and well taken care of. God cares about what you care about. And He cared about what my broken iPod meant to me. 

His Plans

When I was a little girl I remember always playing that I got married and had kids. Besides every once in a while being 'deserted on an island', that was usually our go to game. Family. I always loved babies, I would hold them every chance I got and play with them. When I got old enough, I baby sat. I remember hopping on my bicycle when I was about 14 or so and riding around our neighborhood out in the country and introducing my self to families and letting them know I babysat and giving them my number. (I think back on that now and some of those people had me babysit and had never met me before!! Craziness.)
I sought out taking care of kids. My first 'real' job was as a swimming instructor to young kids. I still miss that job because I loved it.
It is just part of the American Dream that I always figured I would have to finish high school, Go to college and THEN think about raising a family. When I met my husband we still both really had that mentality. I was 17 when we were finally 'official' and he was 18. He had plans to go to college for aviation and I was going to go to college in Chicago for nursing. Besides thinking it would be really fun to live in Chicago, I really didn't want to go to college. I love the medical field but at that time I felt NO desire to be going to school. Nathaniel at first would have been only a couple hours away from me, but then that option wouldn't work out and the only other option was him going to Arizona for school. The more we prayed and tried to figure things out, the less we felt going to college was our next step. Our parents prayed, we prayed, and through that time we eventually decided to get married quickly (we had three months to plan the wedding) and go do a five month Discipleship Training School in Panama. I was 18 and he was 19 when we married.
It was so out of the normal, and yet it felt just right for us. Many people advised us against getting married so young but we knew what God had told us. It has been 8 years and we have two kids and another on the way. It hasn't always been easy, we had a lot of growing up to do together and still do! But I do believe God led us and we have been walking in His leading ever since.
I was talking to a girl yesterday. She was my age and she asked about when I got married and everything. She looked SO discouraged to find out I already had two kids and another on the way and had already been married for 8 years. I almost thought she was going to cry. My heart went out to her and I really didn't know all what to say. Now I was encountering the opposite of what I usually heard, and here was a girl who was wondering if she had done something wrong and that was why she wasn't married yet. She said she had never really had a boyfriend and asked if that was bad. Oh how the lies of this world can mess with your mind! Of course that's not wrong! She always prayerfully considered a man and became his friend first and was led by God. Just because you are doing it the right way, doesn't mean it will happen right away. I tried to encourage her and tell her how awesome and great it was that she was waiting and that it took so much strength. Living a life where you are being led by God is not always easy, and it doesn't usually go as you planned. Two years ago Hawaii was not even a location in my mind that I thought we would ever live. But I am taught something new every place we go. I am SO blessed that my childhood dream of getting married and becoming a mommy happened early and I wouldn't change a thing. But I look up to the women who don't lower their expectations and won't settle for less than God has for them because they know they are the daughters of the Most High King and He has just the right one for them! And I also have a great respect for those women that have accepted that God will be the only One and they have learned how to love him for all they are worth.
It would be so hard to do life on your own. I can't imagine going through the drama of boyfriend, husband, two years of infertility, and now being a mom and moving constantly, all by myself. I am so grateful to be led.
One of my favorite verses and one that always challenges me is:
Jeremiah 29:11 'For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'
So much comfort in that verse. And when I pray about the future, there are desires in my heart, and things that I want to do, but at the same time I feel that the time for that will come and right now I need to keep at the task at hand. Supporting Nathaniel through this journey while at the same time being the best mom I can. So that leaves me with plenty of homework and things to keep me busy!
The safest place is in God's will. There's no place that I'd rather be.

Tender Care

1 Thessalonians 5:14 - 19 (NLT)
'Brothers and sister, we urge you to warn those who are lazy. Encourage those who are timid. Take tender care of those who are weak. Be patient with everyone. See that no one pays back evil for evil, but always try to do good to each other and to all people. Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. Do not stifle the Holy Spirit. '

Another mommy blog. I read this and I see some simple instructions for me as a mom, as a wife. Do I warn my kids when they are being lazy? Or do I let them stay lazy? Nathaniel pointed out to me how much I was just carrying G around or pushing G and K around in the stroller. Not that it's bad to carry your kids but really the cafeteria is right by our house and it's good for them to get some walking in. Especially as the baby is coming soon and it just makes my hip hurt to carry G or push the stroller. I can cheer them on as they march up the steps to go eat and say what a great job they are doing. Kids feel accomplishment when they achieve something. Am I encouraging then when they are scared to do something? To stand up when they need to? Am I being patient with them? (NO!) Am I teaching them to be patient? (Hard to learn if they don't have a good example). Teach them to do good in all situations even when evil has been done to them? We get to practice this one a lot lately. Not that the kids here are evil, but kids are kids and don't always do the nicest things to each other, and I need to show them how to respond. Always be joyful! When I was morning sick and felt so gross I tried to still model being joyful even when I didn't feel good. An easy thing to practice in a community, because you get lots of opportunities. Every meal time, when I would feel awful I would work hard to still greet people with a smile and wave. I want my kids to learn to do the same. I encourage them to smile back at all the nice people that think they are so cute and love to say hi to them. I want them to be courteous. It can really make a persons day having a little kid smile big and greet them.
Never stop praying... Oh that still needs work. Always a work in progress. Also being thankful in all circumstances.

But one that really struck me was to not stifle the Holy Spirit. Oh I remember when I was single, or married with no kids and when I would pray and ask to hear from God how quickly He would answer me. Not always. But much of the time. Why do I not use such a valuable tool in my daily life in one of the most important jobs I have ever had?! Raising kids! If I would simply take a second and quickly ask God how to handle a situation when it arises with my kids or my husband, how much better would the outcome be? It doesn't take long really, although it may take me a little time to get back into practice. All I can think about right now is how invaluable that information or gentle nudge from God would be. I could protect my children's little hearts so much if I had better direction on how to discipline them and guide them. Sometimes I feel so lost or I really know that I blew it in a situation, (probably my whole apartment building knows and shakes their head about how I could have handled that much better!) But I have the Holy Spirit saying, 'Do not stifle me!'. And I stifle away. We even had a mom's meeting where the speaker talked about this some. How much God can help guide us as we raise our kids if we just ASK him too! Lord I'm asking!! I'm ready for guidance. I'm ready. At least I am tonight. When they are sleeping and so peaceful! Haha. I have so much to be thankful for. Especially coming home tonight to see my husband had cleaned. This pregnant lady almost cried. From grumpy to weepy in a second. So cliche. Grateful for him and for my energetic kids who went to bed with no problem tonight. Counting my blessings!
These are just my thoughts. Things I need to be mindful of, and work on continuously. I want to be tender again to the Holy Spirit and His guidance. Being a mom doesn't change my ability to hear from Him.
And I need to tenderly care for these little hearts that God has entrusted me with. Sometimes the ones closest to you can hurt you the most and I don't want that to be me with my kids. I want to nurture them and to protect them. The best way for me to do that is to let God work on MY heart and let his love overflow onto my family. Instead of my pregnancy hormones that mostly seem to generate overflowing grumpiness. I chose love.