Scattered Pieces of My Heart

About five and a half years ago, I hit a pretty low spot. We had been in missions for about 3 1/2 years and the constant emotional ups and downs were draining me. For two of those years we had been trying to start a family and that was really draining me as well. I remember so well as we prayed about what to do next, and God opened the doors to go back to Wisconsin, that I was almost too afraid to believe it was true.
God knew my heart needed to go home. Shortly after we made the decision that we would be going back, we found out we were expecting Kaleigh. I was so excited, I almost was afraid to believe that was real as well! I probably took five tests just to makes sure.
It was the start of God healing my heart. Because I love people. I love getting to know them, hearing their stories... We made so many friends during our time in Panama. But we also had to say goodbye so many times. I had NEVER experienced this before. My husband grew up this way but for me it was so foreign. Getting close to people and then having them move to another country 6 months later, it felt like my heart was constantly being sent in different places. Or when I would travel, meet people, and then have to leave. No matter which way it happened, it was hard.
I got tired of it to be honest. I remember one girl coming on to staff for a little while and we were both kind of in the same place where it felt like our hearts were too tender from all of the goodbyes that we had both decided separately not to befriend each other. Dumb plan didn't work. I love her anyway! And I haven't seen her since Panama.
By the time we moved back to Wisconsin I had little by little hardened my heart. In my head I rationalized it...I have enough friends, I can be friendly but not put my self  out there, not everyone needs to be close to me.
I sat there in church one day during a weekly Bible study all tense in my chair, just hanging on to Kaleigh in my belly and trying so hard not to let my wall that I had built around my heart, come down. The only way I could hold it up and keep myself 'safe' was not to listen when God spoke because I know I'm not called to be isolated. But God was after me that night. He wasn't going to let me get away with it anymore, I had turned a deaf ear long enough. Through the weeks of the Bible study He had slowly been loosening my grip and that night as I closed my eyes and asked him to show me something, He gave me a picture of a bird cage. There was a bird sitting inside of it but the door was open.
I was that bird. That was my cage. The cage felt really safe, but God was showing me that the door was open. And instead of being free I was choosing to sit there and not fly! Why did God give birds wings? To FLY! And yet I was choosing a life of captivity. He wanted me to be free.
You would think after that, since it was pretty clear, that I would have just surrendered. But instead, God in all His mercy, gave me time. Brick by brick he pulled down that wall and did a work on my heart in the process. Giving me the strength to open my heart again and step out of that cage.
It's so much better out here guys. I meet new people all the time. I have so many friends from all over and I just love each one of them. I have my core friends back home that will always be my nearest and dearest. I don't know what I would do with out them.
But God can teach me so much through each new person I meet. I can relate to each person in a different way. Or always have the 'mom connection' when I see other mothers. How can we touch anyone's life if we don't invite them into ours? It may be messy, and sometimes my kids are naughty, and I'm FAR from perfect, but you are welcome to join us. I use to think hospitality was having an elaborate meal planned and the house spotless, but I'm learning more that it is welcoming people into your home whether it inconveniences you or not, and whether you were ready, or not! Helping them to feel comfortable. And if I could get my act together I'd try to at least always have snacks around! Even if my floor needs to be vacuumed.
Goodbyes are still hard. and it sucks. But I learn to keep my eyes on Him during these times. The healing process has gotten a lot faster now that I know how to turn it over to God.
I'm not really sure why I felt I should share this? Maybe to encourage someone? But most of all I just wanted to show how God can help you out of those desert times. That relationships with people can be hard but it is so worth it, and my life is richer because of the multitude of people that are in it.

John 8:36

'So if the son sets you free, You will be free indeed.'

Salt and Light

Seasons change, life changes, people change... We have gone through so many changes this last year, and as 2016 starts, we find ourselves rolling with the tides of change once again. On March 8^th we will be hopping another plane, headed back to the University of the Nations in Kona Hawaii! I prayed for favor when looking for our plane tickets, and God did even better than just giving us a good price for tickets (we found a great price!), but we also found out that our miles covered two tickets! So blessed and thankful. Last time when we flew to HI it was with two little kids in tow. This time, we have three!

In September of 2015 Nathaniel finished the film school and internship at the U of N, and when we return we will both be staff with this school. I have no experience working with film but I can help in the areas of mentoring or administration. As we have described the vision of being in the film industry, and working with people who are in that field and do not yet know who Jesus is, the word that we are called to be Salt to the Earth and Light to the World is brought up over and over. This is what the School of Digital Film making is all about. Teaching people how to be good at what they do, but also how to be in that industry, making a positive influence on those they work with. Also how to make good quality films that reflect Godly values. Being staff, Nathaniel will get the chance to gain even more experience working in film and of course help the students as well. Our plan is to be there a year and from there, who knows!? Psalms 119:105 'Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.' If you think about it, a lamp doesn't shine very far ahead, but it shows you your next steps, and that is just what we need. Because when we know God is guiding our steps, then we know we will end up in the right place. Our journey is never boring and sometimes challenging, but it's exciting to be traveling in the will of God.

Here is where I ask for prayer. Please pray for our trip back. This is about 18 hours of traveling and will be Alinah's first time flying so... lots of prayer is needed! Also prayer for grace as we transition once again. We will miss being with my mom and dad and closer to family. The kids especially will have to adjust again to the different time zone and living quarters and that can be rough. Nathaniel will need to find a job on top of everything, and we will be looking for a car and eventually an apartment off campus. Another prayer request we have is for more monthly supporters. The more financial support we have, the more Nathaniel will be able to focus full time on the ministry and developing new projects.

We have been so grateful for the support and love we have received during this time we have spent back on the mainland. It has been such a good time for us to adjust to being a family of five and for our kids to get to know my parents better. It was also really special to be able to have our baby here, with my mom delivering. As hard as it is to leave, we are really excited about getting back into the ministry, and settling into our new routine. It's always a new adventure and we love to take you guys with us though the journey. It's always amazing to see what God is going to do next and such a privilege to be able to be a part of it! I pray that in this new year you will see God's blessings each day. Each day is a new start and His mercies are new every morning!

Blessings from the Tracy Family!

Nathaniel, Elizabeth, Kaleigh, Gideon, and Alinah

Send offerings and support to:

Good News Christian Center, 2293 Prairie Ave. Beloit, WI 53511.

Make checks payable to: GNCC with the memo saying 'support for Nathaniel and Elizabeth Tracy'.

Or go to www.paypal.com, press: 'Send Money' and enter: soccer_g_p@yahoo.com

Baby Worshiper

Every Monday morning and every Thursday evening here at the U of N campus we have corporate worship. Before the actual meeting you can hear the drums going and the people singing as they practice their set list for that day. As soon as K hears it she gasps and says, "Mommy we are missing worship!!".
"No honey they are practicing, we will go down when it starts..." Every Monday and Thursday.
I love her worshiper heart. She loves to dance and sing and raise her hands in worship. She doesn't always last the whole time, especially if she doesn't know the song, but her excitement to be there is so good for me. Often on Monday mornings I'm exhausted and just wishing I could have a cup of coffee (The baby has put it's foot down and no longer lets me feel ok when I drink coffee), but K is ready and telling me to hurry so we don't miss it.
I also love worship. So many times when my heart is twisting with frustration and heavy with whatever is going on, worship is where I can let that all go and cry out to my Father again. It's always been something I loved. I'm so glad she pushes me to go sometimes even when I don't feel like it right away. Thursdays they even have a kid's class with snacks, but K finds that overwhelming and says she would rather come with me to worship.
You can learn so much from children. There was a short time where she just sat in the stroller completely uninterested in worship. This was so sad to me. I tried to figure out why. I'd often let her go and play with the other kids during the meeting instead of staying close and then I was worried trying to chase after her and G hoping they didn't fall and get hurt or make a really loud noise. My worship time ended up being fruitless. It almost seemed pointless to go. Finally after talking to some other mom's, including my mother in law, I decided I need to keep the kids close to me. I sat down with K and G (although G wouldn't really understand being only 2) and explained that they would be staying close to me, and I told them that we go to worship because because He loves to hear us sing praises to Him and we want to sing to Him because we are so happy and grateful for all He has done because He loves us. I put together a bag with a blanket, toys, coloring books and now I have added snacks. After the songs (Or on Monday since it's only worship and no talking, I say after a few songs) they can sit on the blanket, play with the toys and eat their snack.
It doesn't always work the best. We had a few training moments. Last week I thought it was amazing because they got through a whole 2 hour meeting no problem and I was astounded. (God knew I needed that meeting!) This week we didn't last as long but still, when that music turns on, I see the kids dancing and it melts my heart. K sometimes just seems to really be praising God and I pray that is something that stays so strong in her. I snapped a couple of pictures tonight. So you know she obviously wasn't just mimicking me, because I wasn't paying great attention but instead I was taking pictures! It brought tears to my eyes watching her. But then propelled me to put down my ipod quickly and focus on God. One picture is blurry because she is dancing but it is so sweet I added it anyway.

Tender Care

1 Thessalonians 5:14 - 19 (NLT)
'Brothers and sister, we urge you to warn those who are lazy. Encourage those who are timid. Take tender care of those who are weak. Be patient with everyone. See that no one pays back evil for evil, but always try to do good to each other and to all people. Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. Do not stifle the Holy Spirit. '

Another mommy blog. I read this and I see some simple instructions for me as a mom, as a wife. Do I warn my kids when they are being lazy? Or do I let them stay lazy? Nathaniel pointed out to me how much I was just carrying G around or pushing G and K around in the stroller. Not that it's bad to carry your kids but really the cafeteria is right by our house and it's good for them to get some walking in. Especially as the baby is coming soon and it just makes my hip hurt to carry G or push the stroller. I can cheer them on as they march up the steps to go eat and say what a great job they are doing. Kids feel accomplishment when they achieve something. Am I encouraging then when they are scared to do something? To stand up when they need to? Am I being patient with them? (NO!) Am I teaching them to be patient? (Hard to learn if they don't have a good example). Teach them to do good in all situations even when evil has been done to them? We get to practice this one a lot lately. Not that the kids here are evil, but kids are kids and don't always do the nicest things to each other, and I need to show them how to respond. Always be joyful! When I was morning sick and felt so gross I tried to still model being joyful even when I didn't feel good. An easy thing to practice in a community, because you get lots of opportunities. Every meal time, when I would feel awful I would work hard to still greet people with a smile and wave. I want my kids to learn to do the same. I encourage them to smile back at all the nice people that think they are so cute and love to say hi to them. I want them to be courteous. It can really make a persons day having a little kid smile big and greet them.
Never stop praying... Oh that still needs work. Always a work in progress. Also being thankful in all circumstances.

But one that really struck me was to not stifle the Holy Spirit. Oh I remember when I was single, or married with no kids and when I would pray and ask to hear from God how quickly He would answer me. Not always. But much of the time. Why do I not use such a valuable tool in my daily life in one of the most important jobs I have ever had?! Raising kids! If I would simply take a second and quickly ask God how to handle a situation when it arises with my kids or my husband, how much better would the outcome be? It doesn't take long really, although it may take me a little time to get back into practice. All I can think about right now is how invaluable that information or gentle nudge from God would be. I could protect my children's little hearts so much if I had better direction on how to discipline them and guide them. Sometimes I feel so lost or I really know that I blew it in a situation, (probably my whole apartment building knows and shakes their head about how I could have handled that much better!) But I have the Holy Spirit saying, 'Do not stifle me!'. And I stifle away. We even had a mom's meeting where the speaker talked about this some. How much God can help guide us as we raise our kids if we just ASK him too! Lord I'm asking!! I'm ready for guidance. I'm ready. At least I am tonight. When they are sleeping and so peaceful! Haha. I have so much to be thankful for. Especially coming home tonight to see my husband had cleaned. This pregnant lady almost cried. From grumpy to weepy in a second. So cliche. Grateful for him and for my energetic kids who went to bed with no problem tonight. Counting my blessings!
These are just my thoughts. Things I need to be mindful of, and work on continuously. I want to be tender again to the Holy Spirit and His guidance. Being a mom doesn't change my ability to hear from Him.
And I need to tenderly care for these little hearts that God has entrusted me with. Sometimes the ones closest to you can hurt you the most and I don't want that to be me with my kids. I want to nurture them and to protect them. The best way for me to do that is to let God work on MY heart and let his love overflow onto my family. Instead of my pregnancy hormones that mostly seem to generate overflowing grumpiness. I chose love.

Tracy Newsletter - Transitions

Transition

Nathaniel and His Class

On June 30^th (which was also our 8^th anniversary!), Nathaniel graduated from the School Of Digital Film making through the University of the Nations. We are so proud of him! He did very well in the school, and has already been asked to help with several short films while he is doing the next step, which is the three month internship. On the 26^th of June it was 'Premier Night' for his school where they showed all of the short films that were made during the last three months. Nathaniel had two films, and one of them had K as one of the stars. So it was also her debut as an actress! They were both very excited. The films were so fun to watch and it was so great to see all they had accomplished. Of course I am rather partial to Nathaniel's films. His first was entitled; 'The Door' and it was about the trap of falling into temptation and the second was 'Perception', all about a man who threw away everything, simply because he was not realizing all that he already had.

Starting officially tomorrow is the internship for the film school. He will gain more experience in filming, and get to work with people who have more experience. Also he will have a chance to shoot another short film since the equipment is available for him to use while he is doing the internship. This school officially ends on September 23^rd. Our hope, and our plan as of now is to travel back to Wisconsin soon after, visit for a little while and then road trip down to North Carolina where my parents live and have the baby there. We will stop and visit my sister and his sister along the way. (Quickly of course so that we get there in time!)

The Miracle Nap

Right now on base it is 'transition week'. Other schools left on outreach, or went home, and tomorrow is 'arrival day' where all the people for the next quarter show up. It won't be as busy as last quarter though. It's so very different during transition week. The base is so quiet. It's rather peaceful! As I am writing this I just hear the sweet sounds of the birds outside and our fans blowing on me. BOTH kids are napping so I am seizing the moment. We had a couple of days where some friends let us use their car and we were able to go to the other side of the island and see some water falls, a small zoo, and go to a small mall! It was a fun little road trip and good for our family to spend some quality time together.

I was blessed to find a place as staff this quarter. I get to help two times a week at the boutique that I wrote about earlier where God provided a stroller for us! It is such a great ministry and I am happy to do what I can to help. It also helps lower our living costs on base if I am staff. A win, win situation!

Baby bean #3 is doing well (we are 24 weeks along now) and we found out that we will be having a girl! So excited for the fun little girl clothes to come. G is over his whooping cough and I am so grateful for the different things I found to help him through that time. I really felt God's hand over that whole situation. Please keep K in your prayers as she still has a cough that is just not wanting to be shaken. The doctors have no idea what it's from. Part of it could be the polluted air here because of the volcanic ash that is in the air. It can make it really hard for people to get over coughs. We are also trying to keep her away from dairy to see if that helps. Hard for a Wisconsin girl. Prayer for finances is also appreciated as we start looking at the prices for tickets back to the mainland, and the cost of getting down to NC. It can seem a little overwhelming at times, but we really feel that God will provide.

Hopefully soon I will be able to share Nathaniel's short films so you all can see them. I know that makes him nervous, but I think they are wonderful! Also K is such a cute little actress.  We hope you all are doing well!

Blessings from the Tracy family!

Family Selfie On the 4th of July

Send offerings and support to:

Good News Christian Center, 2293 Prairie Ave. Beloit, WI 53511.

Make checks payable to: GNCC with the memo saying 'support for Nathaniel and Elizabeth Tracy'.

Or go to www.paypal.com, press: 'Send Money' and enter: soccer_g_p@yahoo.com

New Every Morning

Things are stirring here on the YWAM base at University of the Nations in Kona. This is part of the YWAM life, it's bringing back so many memories. Discipleship Training Schools (DTS's) and so many other schools are either coming to an end or getting ready to go on their outreaches to other countries. The constant change brings a freshness and an excitement that you just don't see everywhere. It really helps you to see that 'His mercies are new every morning'!
Lamentations 3:22 - 23 (ESV)
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end;
They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.

What an amazing thing! What a great promise! It can be so easy to forget when life silently falls into a routine and we lose sight of the new things God wants to do in our lives. I think of how much my 4 year old daughter (K) really doesn't like change. She resists it. K wants to wear the same dresses, play with the same people, always wear the same shoes...and so on. But being part of a family that is open to wherever the Lord is leading has forced her to confront this very often. Because God often tells it's time for a change! It is so good for her. As much as I don't love the backlash that comes from a move, or people leaving, I know it is helping her to grow. I know how she feels, because often in the beginning I am resistant to change as well. My goal is to help her to lean on a God who NEVER changes but has new things for her all the time. I want Him to be our constant that we can hold on to.

Tomorrow (Friday) is the premier of all the short films that the students have made during the School of Digital Film Making and the School of Acting for the Screen. Nathaniel has two films that will be premiered and we couldn't be more proud. K will have her 'acting debut' as well. She is in two of the films. (One of them being her daddy's final project). I have seen some of the footage and I am really looking forward to seeing the finished product. He has put so much into his work. And so have all of his other classmates.

This weekend and next week we will be saying goodbye to many of our new friends, some of whom we will see for a few days when they return from outreach. So now we enter a new phase.
The excitement the students and staff have of expecting God to do something great during outreach is contagious. We will keep them in our prayers. Nathaniel will have a few days off where we will really enjoy having him around and then he begins his internship.

I know so many people have been praying for us, and we are grateful. I can feel the support of prayer. Please continue to pray for us as we start this new phase of life. After the internship ends at the end of September our hope is to head back to WI for a little bit and visit, then make our way down through Ohio to visit my sister, Virginia to visit Nathaniel's sister, and then have enough time to make it to North Carolina where my parents live for the baby to come. So many exciting things coming and we have a lot to look forward to!

At Rainbow Falls

Our little girl! AKA Baby Bean #3 at 21 weeks

Playing with friends and beating the heat!