Walking on Water

I reflect on this last year, and it has been the hardest year I've ever been through.
Some days it still does not feel real that my brother is gone, and for a little while I allow myself to imagine he is still here. And then other days, like today, a year since we lost him, it is so, horribly real. I feel physically ill with the harsh reality, and the reliving of the day I heard he was gone. All over again, I'm sad, angry, hurt, and devastated. This is not how it was supposed to be. These emotions that have been bottled are exploding like someone shook a soda can and then opened it.

Tim, I miss you.
I miss how you would play the same song on the piano, over and over, until we were all sick of it. I miss how you were quick to give a hug, to anyone who needed it. I miss the way you would sit there and listen to my kids and answer the millions of questions they would ask you, and you did it with so much patience. They loved being with you. I miss how when we were little I could always convince you to play with me, or share with me. I miss how you would try to sound super smart, just because you went to grad school and got your masters. Ok fine, you sounded smart because you were. I miss making you go shopping with me, or decorate for Christmas with me. There are too many things we never got to do, and things I never got to show you.
I miss you.

I'm so thankful I don't walk this life alone. That I know where to turn when I am overwhelmed and falling.
The other day I was reading through a devotional and I took to heart the story of when Peter stepped out of the boat and walked towards Jesus. He trusted when Jesus said to come, and walked on water! It doesn't talk about how long he walked on water, or how far he had gone before he got scared, looked away from Jesus, and started to sink. But he had the faith to do it. There was wind and waves, not exactly great conditions for your first try at walking on water  maybe, yet it was in that hard moment that Peter stepped out of the safety of the boat and walked to the One whom He knew he could trust to save Him. Even when he got scared and lost sight of Jesus, he knew he would be saved.

In the beginning of everything, I felt God was holding me close, I needed to be close and I needed to be held together. Now, slowly, He is teaching me how to walk on water. When my eyes stray away and I start to feel myself drowning (like today), he always picks me up again. He gently reminds me to keep my eyes on him, to look forward, and to keep walking, and I walk again. Never rushed, never pushy, but full of grace. Knowing I can trust Him. Even when the waves are crashing, I know he is greater than my circumstances.
I am walking on water.

(O'Lord by Lauren Daigle)

Your strength is found
At the end of my road
Your grace it reaches to the hurting
Still through the tears and the questioning why
I will stand my ground where hope can be found
I will stand my ground where hope can be found

Hearts On Chains.

This blog entry has literally been forming in my head for months. It started one morning at a worship time when I was struggling to get through it without letting all of my tears out, again. I looked next to me and saw another woman who had my emotions on her face. The tears were at the surface and I knew, even though I didn't know her full story, that we were both in a similar place. I read the grief on her face. The picture that came to my mind was people walking around pulling their heavy hearts on chains. Trying to get through the normal, day to day life, and trying to keep up with everyone around me. This feeling of a heavy weight that I am pulling behind me that keeps me from getting through the day without some difficulty. Not all days are this way. Anyone who is around me often knows I laugh, enjoy jokes, and fun, and usually my days are like any other mom.
But some days it's heavier than others. Some weeks it's heavier than others. This week it's heavy. It's taking a lot of effort to pull my heart through.
This week was a memorial concert for my brother. Beautiful, a labor of love from his friends. Music he had composed and music inspired by him. The emotions are raw and real, some are so good but some are just so hard and I'm tired. May 4th is his birthday. It was coming and it has been creeping up on me. Like it always does, because it's in the beginning of the month, and I can't think of how many times May would come around  and I'd realize I only had a couple days to think of a present!
One night that was really hard, in the beginning, I asked God how I should grieve. I didn't know what to do, or how to let the emotions come out that needed to come out. He said, sing.
Immediately I thought back to when I was about 16 and everything is dramatic and hormonal and I used to just sit and play songs on the guitar, or listen to music and cry, and pray, and sing, and cry and pray some more. It was a safe way to let it out.
But I was trapped. We lived in a studio apartment and I didn't want to do it when my kids were awake but if I waited until they were asleep then it was such a small space, it would wake them up. I could go outside but if they woke up I couldn't hear them. I would go out for just short times.
Moving to a bigger place was a gift in so many ways. I'm not great at playing the guitar, or singing. But music is a release for me. As I let the emotion out, and give it back to God, the weight gets lighter. The ache isn't as intense, and I feel like I can rest. I had to figure out a way to get it out otherwise my family gets a ticking time bomb. The pressure comes out in ways that I am ashamed to admit. It's not their fault, and they don't deserve to have someone with such a short fuse.
There have been times where I make myself so busy that I end up putting God on the back burner, and even in those moments, I know He still is holding me. Keeping the pieces together.

This passage spoke to me tonight:

Psalm 42 5-8
'Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again- my Savior and my God!
Now I am deeply discouraged, but I will remember you - even from distant Mount Hermon, the source of the Jordan, from the land of Mount Mizar, I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me. 
But EACH DAY the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life.'

Then:

Psalm 43 3-5
Send out your light and your truth; let them guide me. Let them lead me to your holy mountain, to the place where you live. There I will go to the altar of God, to God - the SOURCE OF ALL MY JOY, I will praise you with my harp, O God, my God!
Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again- my Savior and my God!

(emphasis my own.)

He is my source. He is the lifter of my head. He is my joy, my hope, my salvation. I will trust in Him, and let him carry my heavy heart.

Run With Endurance

Head down, eyes watching your feet pound the pavement, knowing you've almost reached the end of the race but you are so tired and worn, that you hardly feel you can make it to the end. Then you see this up ahead. 

Your feet pound a little faster, you lift up your head and look towards the finish line. You're heart is encouraged and when you see the end you run! You made it! 

I loved seeing the encouraging messages written all over the path for the runners of the Iron Man Race here in Kona. Encouragement in so many different languages, colors, and sizes. I could see the runners in the last leg of the race who were SO tired, hot, sweating.... and yet they kept on. To be in that moment, and see a message written to you to give you strength and keep you going forward would be just the thing to put the spring in your step! It was amazing to watch the race. And I would say inspiring... but I feel in order to say that it would mean it had inspired me to do something. And do you don't see me exercising? Hahahaha. I guess I have been trying to drink a little less soda. 

So many times in my life it feels like I'm just pushing through, staring at my feet and watching them move forward until the next day comes. Somewhere along the way my gaze drifts down, and things don't look as hopeful when you stare at your feet. You won't see anything new, hopeful, or exciting if you are just staring at your sneakers (if they are like mine, they look pretty new, because like I said, I don't do much exercise =D ). In those moments, God brings me encouragement. Through my friends or family, a song, a verse... something that reminds me to look up and set my eyes back on what is important. On finishing, and enjoying the race while I'm at it. 

This song brought me to my knees first, then I lifted my gaze upwards. 

Two lines that get me every time:

When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world?

I try to take life back right out of the hands of the king of the world?

(King of The World: Natalie Grant)

So we keep moving. We keep running the race that God has set before us, following His lead and knowing we are not alone in this race. He is right beside us, so put it back in his hands. The burden will lift and so will your eyes. 

Hebrews 12:1-2

12 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. 2 We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.[a]Because of the joy[b] awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.

My Sanity Milk

This post... is not very profound. Just a warning. haha!

Every night, unless I am dead beat tired, or sick or something... I sit down and I have a glass of milk. Unless we have (gasp!) run out of milk and I have to drink super cold water. This is not quite as effective but has worked in some cases. It helps keep me sane.  Even when my morning starts earlier than planned, like the other morning at 5:40am, when a giant cockroach crawled down my arm while I was in bed nursing, and I had to chase it around with a flip flop while baby was still attached (Nathaniel came to my rescue), I sit down at night after all is quiet and have a glass of milk.
By myself.
So many people have told me they do their quiet time with Jesus in the morning. It's best to start off your morning with God and everything else flows from there, they say.
But I have tried this and it seems almost physically impossible for me to wake up earlier than I have to (aka before the kids wake up and decide they are starving). Mostly because of this bad habit I have of staying up later than I should. So if I have this bad habit, I might as well put it to good use and do my quiet time at night. Most of my blogging happens at night as well since that is when I have done my quiet time (usually) and actually have something to talk about. Tonight I am doing it backwards and blogging first, quiet time second. Milk is already gone so I may have to pour a little more...
Jesus and I have come to an agreement. Maybe because I am much more enjoyable to hang out with at night since I am not as grumpy. Sometimes you just do what works for you. I love to multitask so often my 'quiet time' actually just mean 'alone time with God' because I also have music playing in my ears.
To be honest I've been slacking. Doing a blog actually helps to keep me accountable. It reminds me to keep searching and looking for inspiration from God.
If anything comes out of this post it would be, to find what's right for you. There is more than just one way to do things. I even have an app that is AWESOME called Echo to help me pray.
I put my list of prayers in it, set random times during the day and it reminds me to pray throughout the day!!! This has been so good for me. I don't enter my password on my Ipod until I have prayed for that thing. Is it dumb that I use an app for this? Maybe. I don't care. It's helpful and this is what I have found to help me. Here is the link: Echo Prayer App
Figure out how to make it work. Is it too hard to memorize scripture? Get scripture songs! Already have too much stuff in your diaper bag to carry a Bible with you to church? Get the Bible on your phone!
Trust me I'm not perfect. Anyone who knows me, knows that. But we should always be striving to improve. Even if it's a tiny step, it's still a step.
Keep walking forward.

One of those family photos that didn't quite work out. Haha.
See? Imperfect. 

And So I Will Dwell....

Almost a month has gone by since my last post, and so much has built up in my heart I don't really know where to begin...
This month I have been learning about dwelling places. Too much to get into details but there have been struggles this month and personally I have been struggling back and forth with things and taking on the impossible task of a wrestling match with God. My spirit feels a little bruised and tired but the outcome was not a body slam into the ground like you would maybe expect, but instead a sheltering, loving hug from my Heavenly Father. Isn't that just how it is wrestling with children? You roll around on the floor with them, they get their energy out and see how strong they can be and if they can overtake you, so you play along for a little while. When you decide it's been enough, more often than not that wrestling match turns into a hug.
I had to get that energy, frustration, and confusion out. Even though I knew I could never win, I still needed to wrestle and ask why. Instead of telling me why, God pulled me in closer to him and reminded me to praise. The song that WOULD NOT LEAVE MY HEAD?
"Your praise will, ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips, your praise will, ever be on my lips..."
Hint maybe? So I praise. I find things to be grateful for. Like songs that God puts in my head to remind me, or to minister to me. I'm grateful for my kids, for my husband, for God's provision. So that even when my heart is hurting over loss, and the tears run down my face, I don't have to stay there. My lesson this month has been not to dwell in the pain. To not stay there, because the longer I do, the harder it is to get out of it. It says in Psalm 91: 1-2
"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, "My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust!"
Picking up my tent stakes and make my dwelling in His shelter. Such a secure camping spot. When the storm is raging all around me, I am safe.
If you ever get sick of my sharing songs... Sorry not sorry! Music is something I am so, so, thankful to have. The other day I heard a beautiful song on the radio called, Thy Will, by Hillary Scott. This song was written by Hillary after she experienced a miscarriage and this song shows that beautiful struggle so well. The back and forth of hurt and pain, but yet knowing God's truth and speaking it over the situation. I could feel the emotions in the song because even though I wasn't going through the same thing she was, the emotions were the same. So I am choosing to dwell in Him. Even when I don't understand everything, I will place my trust in the One who's ways are higher than my ways.

Thy Will, by Hillary Scott - Music Video

Thy Will

I’m so confused
I know I heard You loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of Your plan
When I try to pray
All I’ve got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know You’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know You think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all Your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that You’re God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will

I know You see me
I know You hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness You have in store
I know You hear me
I know You see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness You have in store
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know You see me
I know You hear me, Lord
_____________________________________________________

Still Just a Child

As I get larger, and larger (I am informed by K that the baby is getting REALLY big!), I find I rely on my four year old daughter more than I did before. If I drop something, and it falls right by my feet that I can barely see anymore, I might call her over from across the room to pick it up for me. She will go get things for me, and help me with the dustpan so I don't have to bend over while sweeping. The other day she took it upon herself to fold a load of clean laundry! Of course it wasn't perfect, and daddy had to fold his own shirts because they were just too big! But I am beginning to wonder how I was pregnant and got along with out her here. We started a little piggy bank of sorts, for her to collect dimes and nickels for when she helps with chores that are a little bigger than the normal, picking up her toys or putting her clothes in the laundry. She informs us that when she collects enough, she will share them with us. SO sweet!
My daughter is a very determined girl, and eager to learn. When she got it in her head that she wanted to do the monkey bars, she practiced and practiced. There were tears, she fell a couple times, and she even got blisters on her little hands. But she did it! Now she can go there, and back, one bar to the next without a problem. Now her next thing is wanting to swim the width of a small pool. Why am I telling you this? Well for one, I'm so proud of her! But the other day I yelled at her for something, I don't even remember what it was, and after I did that was one of the few times I felt God stop me and speak to me. "She is still a child."
Oh man. I'm tearing up again. How could I have been so foolish?! She can be so independent, helpful, and smart, that somewhere along the way I started having these odd, adult like, expectations of her. K is only FOUR. THREE years ago she was just barely walking. This is me being honest here. I am not proud of this. It was like I was expecting her to act like an adult. Not all the time, but this is definitely something I need to work on. She is still a child..., the fact that God had to stop me like that shows me how crazy I was getting. Tonight before bedtime, I asked Nathaniel to give her a quick shower and he looked up and was like, "Can't she do that by herself by now?" So you see, I'm not the only one. She really seems mature beyond her years sometimes. Dude, she's four! Although to be honest, she needs very little supervision for that task now!
This morning I took time to cuddle with her. Walking home from church and the pool, we stopped for an ice cream at McDonalds and her stomach doesn't handle dairy very well. Our double stroller's wheels broke so we have been using the single one again. Which means she was walking home. She started crying about her tummy hurting. Now I'm just being honest, we have a big drama queen for a daughter. So sometimes it's a little hard to know when she is genuine, and when it is just an exaggeration. "She is still a child."
We carried her until her stomach was settled enough that she could walk.
Tonight I was puzzling over what I could from learn from this on a spiritual level. Obviously as a mom, I have a LOT to learn. But I wanted to know how I could apply this to my walk with God. What was He trying to tell me? These verses came to me:
Matthew 18:2-4 (NLT)
Jesus called a little child to him and put the child among them. Then he said, "I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven. So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven."
The second part of that passage is also very convicting but I will stick with this part. Even after this came to my mind I was still a little confused. Then It came to me that the way I was treating K, was how I had come to treat myself when it comes to my relationship with God. Let's see if I can explain this. I had started telling myself that I needed to toughen up. Life can be hard, things are going to happen, and I just need to deal with stuff. Work harder, do more, (but it's never enough), be a better person... and that would be fine. But I was not even asking for help from God. As if I had taken on the crazy belief that I was old enough now that I should be able to just deal with these things with out always having to run to God. What a quick way to make yourself tired, and worn out.
We are God's children! As a parent I can for sure say that I always want K and G and Baby Bean #3 to be able to come to me, asking for advice, or needing emotional support, or whatever. I don't want that to stop when they are 'old enough'. There is no age limit for needing your parent. Maybe it might be something trivial, but I would still be so glad that they trusted me enough to come to me.
God wants that with us. Think back to when you were a child and would run to your parents first thing. You didn't feel silly, you just knew that being by your mom or dad would help somehow to make you feel better. Oh how I feel for those kids that don't know that kind of comfort. My heart aches for them... I want them all to know that they can have that comfort, in God. The same way I did as a child, I need to do now. God should be the FIRST one I run to when I am feeling overwhelmed, upset, mad, alone, or whatever. My Father God is always waiting with his arms wide open, ready to hold me and give me peace. I need to stop trying to be so 'grown up' and learn that it will be lot lighter of a load to carry if I allow God to carry it.
Just observing these little people that God has trusted me to take care of, I am learning so much about him and his character. We need to never stop learning and seeking the truth. The same as K asks me almost every day to do school with her, (even weekends!), I need to be seeking God out on a daily basis ready to learn something. It's easier to blog about than to actually put it into practice. But I'm a work in progress. :)

Folding Laundry 

An iPod Testimony

Have you ever thought it was silly to pray about keys that you lost? You just can't find them, but feel like God probably has more important things to do than help you find something that should have just put back into your purse? 

I've felt that way. God has shown me many different times that He cares about the small things. I will share one of these times with you. (This literally JUST happened). 

Here in Hawaii I don't have a phone. Every now and then I can borrow the one Nathaniel uses but here, my way of communicating has been my iPod. Well on Thursday I had set my iPod to airplane mode so I could let K play on it while I finished my last 15 minutes at the boutique, working. The battery died and after I charged it, the iPod screen would not respond to me touching it. At all. I figured no big deal and hooked it up to my computer. Nothing I tried worked because I was unable to enter the lock code and it was not hooked up to the Internet. I spent probably over an hour on the apple chat with tech support trying to figure it out and we ran into a dead end at every turn. They finally said my only option was to take it into a store and have them troubleshoot it. That would be no big deal except the closest store is about 10 minutes away... If you have a car. That's a little too far of a walk for me. I was so frustrated. I also wasn't sure if I would end up needing to pay for a repair. We really have no money for that. Finally today I had one more idea. I sat K down and told we were going to pray this worked. So we did. 

It looked like it was going to work (putting it in recovery mode and restoring it that way, therefore bypassing the passcode and the iCloud 'find my phone' feature). Then it stopped and said it wouldn't work. I tried twice. I was so bummed. I unplugged it, and guess what?! You guessed it! It works! So not only did I not have to restore it and lose everything on my iPod, but I am positive that God answered our prayer and of course He had a better idea than I did. We quickly sat down again and thanked Him for answering our prayers. I took the chance to encourage K that she can talk to God about everything, even if it seems silly. 

Maybe to some people this seems like no big deal. But right now I feel loved and well taken care of. God cares about what you care about. And He cared about what my broken iPod meant to me. 

Rivers of living water...Let us not grow weary

So I am quickly learning that with each pregnancy, I get more emotional. I notice it worsening with each child. Maybe I shouldn't have a lot of kids! Hahaha. But today I was thinking back on last week until today, and it dawned on me how great God was at taking care of me. After the Thursday meeting, two Thursdays ago, I was so happy and pumped up for God. Things had gone so well with the kids playing quietly that I could actually soak in the message and enjoy worship and I felt so refreshed. Then the weekend hit and it was just hard. No particular reason exactly, just a bunch of things all together. My hip has been hurting badly and I'm not able to get to a chiropractor until we get back to WI, that has been frustrating. My Aunt is in the hospital, not doing well so of course I'm worried and sad. Also the kids just seemed to hit a bumpy spot with their attitudes and behavior so that didn't help. Plus it was SO HOT! Ok, let me rephrase that; me and my big pregnant self are SO HOT.
So it just ended up being a kind of hard weekend. I didn't even realize it until at worship the following Monday morning the leader upfront said how he had experienced a very difficult weekend. He felt that after such a great moment on Thursday, the spiritual attack from the enemy had come down really hard on the weekend and he said for those of us that felt that same way, to raise your hand and the people around you would pray for you.
I have been avoiding people praying for me. I know that sounds dumb but with my hormones always putting me on the verge of tears, and how much I really don't like crying in public, I have been avoiding it. So prideful.
I snuck my hand up because I needed prayer. The kids and I were tucked in a corner and I was on floor with them trying to keep them occupied and as they wiggled around my hand quickly came back down and I figured I'd pray about it later (rolls my eyes) and deal with them now.
Well God knew I needed prayer no matter how prideful I was going to be about it and a man came up to me and said, he had seen my hand go up and asked if he could pray for me. Yes. Oh brother, tears already. I just said it had been a very stressful weekend. As he prayed for me tears just poured down my cheeks and G sat in my lap kind of worried about me. I definitely needed that. At the end of the prayer he said that my kids were great and I said I had been really blessed.
"Also a lot of great parenting I'm sure." He said. It was a sweet encouragement.

I have learned this week that God knows our love languages better than anyone else. One of my main languages is words of affirmation. Not that I run around fishing for compliments (at least I hope I don't!) but as much as I feel a bit awkward when someone says something to me and I'm often not sure how to respond correctly, it is like balm to my soul.
Different times during this past week people have stopped me to say how great of a mom they thought I was, or how well I was doing with my husband being so busy...
I'M NOT SAYING THIS TO BOAST. You may not believe me since I already admitted to having a pride issue. But this doesn't happen all the time. I don't have people say things like that to me everyday, far from it. I'm saying this to show how much God cares and looks after the little things. It was very specific to this week and God knowing what I needed. Whether it was a single person who said they really admired what I was doing or a fellow mom saying I was doing great, each time it was God giving me words of affirmation that he knew would be healing to me. Amazingly it took me until today to really see it. Today one of Nathaniel's leaders asked me about what would be best for their shooting schedule for me and the kids. I was able to ask that Nathaniel not be busy (if possible) when I worked at the boutique. I knew it might not be an option, and I told him if not, that it was ok. But just the fact that he cared enough to ask and to show that he valued our family and he said he knew it must be hard just with the kids all day, meant a lot to me.
And then I realized God had been watering my heart. Renewing my purpose. One of my friends recently told me that she felt God telling her that moms are rivers of living water in their homes. Not that they CAN be, but that they ARE. Even if we don't feel like it. This week God was raining his love down into my river of living water that had been feeling a little dry. He filled it back up. I am so thankful for how He deals with our hearts.
I have been more consciously leaving my Ipod at home, or in my stroller or whatever so that I can be FULLY in the moment with my kids. Helping K with the monkey bars, push the kids on the swing, encourage G to count every step, so he learns his numbers. I had so many precious moments today when I looked into their faces and they were just radiating love. I keep trying to memorize their faces how they are right now. The expressions they make, the funny phrases they say, or things they do. I wish I could record it all or get pictures of everything. I want to really have these moments imprinted on my mind as they get older. As the training gets more complicated, as they get more independent. It seems so overwhelming at times.
I'm so thankful that God poured love into me this past week. I'm thankful that I finally realized it and can now embrace it. This verse came to my mind tonight:
Galatians 6:9 (ESV)
"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up."

I'm not giving up. Who could give up on these cuties??

Baby Worshiper

Every Monday morning and every Thursday evening here at the U of N campus we have corporate worship. Before the actual meeting you can hear the drums going and the people singing as they practice their set list for that day. As soon as K hears it she gasps and says, "Mommy we are missing worship!!".
"No honey they are practicing, we will go down when it starts..." Every Monday and Thursday.
I love her worshiper heart. She loves to dance and sing and raise her hands in worship. She doesn't always last the whole time, especially if she doesn't know the song, but her excitement to be there is so good for me. Often on Monday mornings I'm exhausted and just wishing I could have a cup of coffee (The baby has put it's foot down and no longer lets me feel ok when I drink coffee), but K is ready and telling me to hurry so we don't miss it.
I also love worship. So many times when my heart is twisting with frustration and heavy with whatever is going on, worship is where I can let that all go and cry out to my Father again. It's always been something I loved. I'm so glad she pushes me to go sometimes even when I don't feel like it right away. Thursdays they even have a kid's class with snacks, but K finds that overwhelming and says she would rather come with me to worship.
You can learn so much from children. There was a short time where she just sat in the stroller completely uninterested in worship. This was so sad to me. I tried to figure out why. I'd often let her go and play with the other kids during the meeting instead of staying close and then I was worried trying to chase after her and G hoping they didn't fall and get hurt or make a really loud noise. My worship time ended up being fruitless. It almost seemed pointless to go. Finally after talking to some other mom's, including my mother in law, I decided I need to keep the kids close to me. I sat down with K and G (although G wouldn't really understand being only 2) and explained that they would be staying close to me, and I told them that we go to worship because because He loves to hear us sing praises to Him and we want to sing to Him because we are so happy and grateful for all He has done because He loves us. I put together a bag with a blanket, toys, coloring books and now I have added snacks. After the songs (Or on Monday since it's only worship and no talking, I say after a few songs) they can sit on the blanket, play with the toys and eat their snack.
It doesn't always work the best. We had a few training moments. Last week I thought it was amazing because they got through a whole 2 hour meeting no problem and I was astounded. (God knew I needed that meeting!) This week we didn't last as long but still, when that music turns on, I see the kids dancing and it melts my heart. K sometimes just seems to really be praising God and I pray that is something that stays so strong in her. I snapped a couple of pictures tonight. So you know she obviously wasn't just mimicking me, because I wasn't paying great attention but instead I was taking pictures! It brought tears to my eyes watching her. But then propelled me to put down my ipod quickly and focus on God. One picture is blurry because she is dancing but it is so sweet I added it anyway.

His Plans

When I was a little girl I remember always playing that I got married and had kids. Besides every once in a while being 'deserted on an island', that was usually our go to game. Family. I always loved babies, I would hold them every chance I got and play with them. When I got old enough, I baby sat. I remember hopping on my bicycle when I was about 14 or so and riding around our neighborhood out in the country and introducing my self to families and letting them know I babysat and giving them my number. (I think back on that now and some of those people had me babysit and had never met me before!! Craziness.)
I sought out taking care of kids. My first 'real' job was as a swimming instructor to young kids. I still miss that job because I loved it.
It is just part of the American Dream that I always figured I would have to finish high school, Go to college and THEN think about raising a family. When I met my husband we still both really had that mentality. I was 17 when we were finally 'official' and he was 18. He had plans to go to college for aviation and I was going to go to college in Chicago for nursing. Besides thinking it would be really fun to live in Chicago, I really didn't want to go to college. I love the medical field but at that time I felt NO desire to be going to school. Nathaniel at first would have been only a couple hours away from me, but then that option wouldn't work out and the only other option was him going to Arizona for school. The more we prayed and tried to figure things out, the less we felt going to college was our next step. Our parents prayed, we prayed, and through that time we eventually decided to get married quickly (we had three months to plan the wedding) and go do a five month Discipleship Training School in Panama. I was 18 and he was 19 when we married.
It was so out of the normal, and yet it felt just right for us. Many people advised us against getting married so young but we knew what God had told us. It has been 8 years and we have two kids and another on the way. It hasn't always been easy, we had a lot of growing up to do together and still do! But I do believe God led us and we have been walking in His leading ever since.
I was talking to a girl yesterday. She was my age and she asked about when I got married and everything. She looked SO discouraged to find out I already had two kids and another on the way and had already been married for 8 years. I almost thought she was going to cry. My heart went out to her and I really didn't know all what to say. Now I was encountering the opposite of what I usually heard, and here was a girl who was wondering if she had done something wrong and that was why she wasn't married yet. She said she had never really had a boyfriend and asked if that was bad. Oh how the lies of this world can mess with your mind! Of course that's not wrong! She always prayerfully considered a man and became his friend first and was led by God. Just because you are doing it the right way, doesn't mean it will happen right away. I tried to encourage her and tell her how awesome and great it was that she was waiting and that it took so much strength. Living a life where you are being led by God is not always easy, and it doesn't usually go as you planned. Two years ago Hawaii was not even a location in my mind that I thought we would ever live. But I am taught something new every place we go. I am SO blessed that my childhood dream of getting married and becoming a mommy happened early and I wouldn't change a thing. But I look up to the women who don't lower their expectations and won't settle for less than God has for them because they know they are the daughters of the Most High King and He has just the right one for them! And I also have a great respect for those women that have accepted that God will be the only One and they have learned how to love him for all they are worth.
It would be so hard to do life on your own. I can't imagine going through the drama of boyfriend, husband, two years of infertility, and now being a mom and moving constantly, all by myself. I am so grateful to be led.
One of my favorite verses and one that always challenges me is:
Jeremiah 29:11 'For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'
So much comfort in that verse. And when I pray about the future, there are desires in my heart, and things that I want to do, but at the same time I feel that the time for that will come and right now I need to keep at the task at hand. Supporting Nathaniel through this journey while at the same time being the best mom I can. So that leaves me with plenty of homework and things to keep me busy!
The safest place is in God's will. There's no place that I'd rather be.

New Every Morning

Things are stirring here on the YWAM base at University of the Nations in Kona. This is part of the YWAM life, it's bringing back so many memories. Discipleship Training Schools (DTS's) and so many other schools are either coming to an end or getting ready to go on their outreaches to other countries. The constant change brings a freshness and an excitement that you just don't see everywhere. It really helps you to see that 'His mercies are new every morning'!
Lamentations 3:22 - 23 (ESV)
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end;
They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.

What an amazing thing! What a great promise! It can be so easy to forget when life silently falls into a routine and we lose sight of the new things God wants to do in our lives. I think of how much my 4 year old daughter (K) really doesn't like change. She resists it. K wants to wear the same dresses, play with the same people, always wear the same shoes...and so on. But being part of a family that is open to wherever the Lord is leading has forced her to confront this very often. Because God often tells it's time for a change! It is so good for her. As much as I don't love the backlash that comes from a move, or people leaving, I know it is helping her to grow. I know how she feels, because often in the beginning I am resistant to change as well. My goal is to help her to lean on a God who NEVER changes but has new things for her all the time. I want Him to be our constant that we can hold on to.

Tomorrow (Friday) is the premier of all the short films that the students have made during the School of Digital Film Making and the School of Acting for the Screen. Nathaniel has two films that will be premiered and we couldn't be more proud. K will have her 'acting debut' as well. She is in two of the films. (One of them being her daddy's final project). I have seen some of the footage and I am really looking forward to seeing the finished product. He has put so much into his work. And so have all of his other classmates.

This weekend and next week we will be saying goodbye to many of our new friends, some of whom we will see for a few days when they return from outreach. So now we enter a new phase.
The excitement the students and staff have of expecting God to do something great during outreach is contagious. We will keep them in our prayers. Nathaniel will have a few days off where we will really enjoy having him around and then he begins his internship.

I know so many people have been praying for us, and we are grateful. I can feel the support of prayer. Please continue to pray for us as we start this new phase of life. After the internship ends at the end of September our hope is to head back to WI for a little bit and visit, then make our way down through Ohio to visit my sister, Virginia to visit Nathaniel's sister, and then have enough time to make it to North Carolina where my parents live for the baby to come. So many exciting things coming and we have a lot to look forward to!

At Rainbow Falls

Our little girl! AKA Baby Bean #3 at 21 weeks

Playing with friends and beating the heat!

What Really Matters

Well I almost didn't post today. (Meaning late Thursday night, I did edit this a little on Friday). To be honest... I almost didn't take a shower today! I have learned that if I let myself sit down and relax for a minute, it's really hard to get my butt back up again and do what needs to be done. My kids were clean and sleeping, and I almost joined them but decided I should be clean too.
Often for me, when I take a shower I am able to clear my head and do some thinking. I thought about the what the speaker they had tonight at the corporate base meeting, shared. I have heard Dan Baumann speak before and he has an amazing testimony to share and so much wisdom. I was excited to hear him speak again and I was able to catch snippets of what he said as I made sure my kids weren't running out to the road, or falling on the concrete as they enjoyed playing with their friends. He has written three books, and the one I read was called Imprisoned In Iran. He was a prisoner in an Iranian prison for 9 weeks. Here is a link to his website if you are interested in reading more about him and his experiences; http://www.danbaumann.com/.
He shared about Joy and being joyful in all circumstances no matter what you were going through. To be straightforward I realized how petulant and childish I was being! And of course it's not like you can just decide to be joyful. It's not something that happens automatically. I remember my mom often telling me as a child, "You need to change your attitude!". It took me a LONG time to understand how that was even possible. Because in that moment when you FEEL one way it is so easy to let your emotions guide you, and just flow with it. Choosing to stop, use your head (I look at my life and see how amazingly BLESSED I am. Look at the people in Nepal! Pastor Saeed who has been imprisoned in Iran since September of 2012! There is always something to put life back into perspective.) And chose to Praise God anyway. Emotions change. But God never does.
One thing Dan Baumann talked about was God showing him that he was enough. He is not married and went through a time where He struggled with letting God be his everything. I related to this although you may not think so (since I married at 18), but because I went through this right in the beginning of marriage. Marriage doesn't complete you, your husband sure doesn't, Because there is only ONE who completes you. God had to pull me out of my emotions and expectations in the beginning and remind me that He is the one who created me, loves me more than anyone, and can fulfill my every need and there really is no one else who can. He reminds me again, and again, whenever I need it and will listen. Sometimes my ears are sealed shut, but not tonight.
I was reading in Philippians and these verses stood out to me: 1:10-11 'For I want you to understand what really matters, so that you may live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ's return. May you always be filled with the fruit of your salvation - the righteous character produced in your life by Jesus Christ - for this will bring much glory and praise to God."
What really matters? What God has done for us! I don't want you to think that God doesn't care about whatever is going on in your life right now. I know God knows our hearts desires, and that He hurts for us when we are hurting. He wants us to go to Him for everything and cast all of our cares onto him! But the beauty of it, is that even when we are going through a desert period, or through a storm or whatever is happening, we have someone to go to who can heal that pain and help you look to better things. There is so much joy in God. He wants to fulfill us in every way and help us through the pain and past it. I know He has so much more for me and I need to be actively pursing it. Pursuing Him. Honestly I sometimes get lazy. I often get lazy. I am working on it.
This has gotten really long. But I just want to leave you with this song because so often God brings it back to my mind when I am feeling tired, and frustrated and just need Him to wash over me.

"Desert Song"

[Verse 1:]
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

(Here is the link to the music video with lyrics)
The Desert Song - Hillson


Let Him wash over you and fill those empty places that have been aching for someone to fill. I hope I can bring myself out of my self pity more often and look to Him and allow Him to just wash over me. Because there is no one else and nothing else that can do that like He can. I'm sure I don't even know the half of it.