Relentless Pursuit

It's hard to explain, but for a long while now I have felt the need to hold back. My inspiration to write anything (newsletters included) had all but disappeared, and I even felt a bit afraid of it. A couple of months ago a close friend told me that she felt God was saying to me that I shouldn't stop writing. Instantly I felt fear at opening up again but also some excitement. Writing has always been a way that I processed things, but I think at some point I got fed up with processing and just needed to live life for a while. If you have been reading the blog you know last year knocked me back on my heals and the getting back up has been harder and longer than I would have imagined. But tonight, out of the blue while I was standing there doing the dishes that I should have done earlier and cleaning the kitchen so it can get destroyed again tomorrow, the song on my Pandora station caught my ear....

There is no distance 

That cannot be covered 

Over and over 

You're not defenseless

I'll be your shelter

I'll be your armor

I hear you whisper underneath your breath

I hear your SOS, your SOS

I will send out an army to find you

In the middle of the darkest night 

It's true, I will rescue you

I will never stop marching to reach you

In the middle of the hardest fight

It's true, I will rescue you

- Lauren Daigle (Rescue)

This strong sense of being pursued, of being sought after by my Savior, caught me by surprise. Not so much that I was lost, more like I've been going through life with my hand at the plow and my head down watching my feet pound through the dirt, trying to get as much done as possible. But He will come for me over and over. Not only me, but YOU. This is half of why I'm writing this because I feel like there is someone out there who needs to feel this too. Maybe you don't realize you are running, or maybe you have been crying SOS to God for a long time, but He is coming for you. And when you turn and run into His arms he will be your shelter, and your armor, and he will rescue you. 

Run With Endurance

Head down, eyes watching your feet pound the pavement, knowing you've almost reached the end of the race but you are so tired and worn, that you hardly feel you can make it to the end. Then you see this up ahead. 

Your feet pound a little faster, you lift up your head and look towards the finish line. You're heart is encouraged and when you see the end you run! You made it! 

I loved seeing the encouraging messages written all over the path for the runners of the Iron Man Race here in Kona. Encouragement in so many different languages, colors, and sizes. I could see the runners in the last leg of the race who were SO tired, hot, sweating.... and yet they kept on. To be in that moment, and see a message written to you to give you strength and keep you going forward would be just the thing to put the spring in your step! It was amazing to watch the race. And I would say inspiring... but I feel in order to say that it would mean it had inspired me to do something. And do you don't see me exercising? Hahahaha. I guess I have been trying to drink a little less soda. 

So many times in my life it feels like I'm just pushing through, staring at my feet and watching them move forward until the next day comes. Somewhere along the way my gaze drifts down, and things don't look as hopeful when you stare at your feet. You won't see anything new, hopeful, or exciting if you are just staring at your sneakers (if they are like mine, they look pretty new, because like I said, I don't do much exercise =D ). In those moments, God brings me encouragement. Through my friends or family, a song, a verse... something that reminds me to look up and set my eyes back on what is important. On finishing, and enjoying the race while I'm at it. 

This song brought me to my knees first, then I lifted my gaze upwards. 

Two lines that get me every time:

When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world?

I try to take life back right out of the hands of the king of the world?

(King of The World: Natalie Grant)

So we keep moving. We keep running the race that God has set before us, following His lead and knowing we are not alone in this race. He is right beside us, so put it back in his hands. The burden will lift and so will your eyes. 

Hebrews 12:1-2

12 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. 2 We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.[a]Because of the joy[b] awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.

Rivers of living water...Let us not grow weary

So I am quickly learning that with each pregnancy, I get more emotional. I notice it worsening with each child. Maybe I shouldn't have a lot of kids! Hahaha. But today I was thinking back on last week until today, and it dawned on me how great God was at taking care of me. After the Thursday meeting, two Thursdays ago, I was so happy and pumped up for God. Things had gone so well with the kids playing quietly that I could actually soak in the message and enjoy worship and I felt so refreshed. Then the weekend hit and it was just hard. No particular reason exactly, just a bunch of things all together. My hip has been hurting badly and I'm not able to get to a chiropractor until we get back to WI, that has been frustrating. My Aunt is in the hospital, not doing well so of course I'm worried and sad. Also the kids just seemed to hit a bumpy spot with their attitudes and behavior so that didn't help. Plus it was SO HOT! Ok, let me rephrase that; me and my big pregnant self are SO HOT.
So it just ended up being a kind of hard weekend. I didn't even realize it until at worship the following Monday morning the leader upfront said how he had experienced a very difficult weekend. He felt that after such a great moment on Thursday, the spiritual attack from the enemy had come down really hard on the weekend and he said for those of us that felt that same way, to raise your hand and the people around you would pray for you.
I have been avoiding people praying for me. I know that sounds dumb but with my hormones always putting me on the verge of tears, and how much I really don't like crying in public, I have been avoiding it. So prideful.
I snuck my hand up because I needed prayer. The kids and I were tucked in a corner and I was on floor with them trying to keep them occupied and as they wiggled around my hand quickly came back down and I figured I'd pray about it later (rolls my eyes) and deal with them now.
Well God knew I needed prayer no matter how prideful I was going to be about it and a man came up to me and said, he had seen my hand go up and asked if he could pray for me. Yes. Oh brother, tears already. I just said it had been a very stressful weekend. As he prayed for me tears just poured down my cheeks and G sat in my lap kind of worried about me. I definitely needed that. At the end of the prayer he said that my kids were great and I said I had been really blessed.
"Also a lot of great parenting I'm sure." He said. It was a sweet encouragement.

I have learned this week that God knows our love languages better than anyone else. One of my main languages is words of affirmation. Not that I run around fishing for compliments (at least I hope I don't!) but as much as I feel a bit awkward when someone says something to me and I'm often not sure how to respond correctly, it is like balm to my soul.
Different times during this past week people have stopped me to say how great of a mom they thought I was, or how well I was doing with my husband being so busy...
I'M NOT SAYING THIS TO BOAST. You may not believe me since I already admitted to having a pride issue. But this doesn't happen all the time. I don't have people say things like that to me everyday, far from it. I'm saying this to show how much God cares and looks after the little things. It was very specific to this week and God knowing what I needed. Whether it was a single person who said they really admired what I was doing or a fellow mom saying I was doing great, each time it was God giving me words of affirmation that he knew would be healing to me. Amazingly it took me until today to really see it. Today one of Nathaniel's leaders asked me about what would be best for their shooting schedule for me and the kids. I was able to ask that Nathaniel not be busy (if possible) when I worked at the boutique. I knew it might not be an option, and I told him if not, that it was ok. But just the fact that he cared enough to ask and to show that he valued our family and he said he knew it must be hard just with the kids all day, meant a lot to me.
And then I realized God had been watering my heart. Renewing my purpose. One of my friends recently told me that she felt God telling her that moms are rivers of living water in their homes. Not that they CAN be, but that they ARE. Even if we don't feel like it. This week God was raining his love down into my river of living water that had been feeling a little dry. He filled it back up. I am so thankful for how He deals with our hearts.
I have been more consciously leaving my Ipod at home, or in my stroller or whatever so that I can be FULLY in the moment with my kids. Helping K with the monkey bars, push the kids on the swing, encourage G to count every step, so he learns his numbers. I had so many precious moments today when I looked into their faces and they were just radiating love. I keep trying to memorize their faces how they are right now. The expressions they make, the funny phrases they say, or things they do. I wish I could record it all or get pictures of everything. I want to really have these moments imprinted on my mind as they get older. As the training gets more complicated, as they get more independent. It seems so overwhelming at times.
I'm so thankful that God poured love into me this past week. I'm thankful that I finally realized it and can now embrace it. This verse came to my mind tonight:
Galatians 6:9 (ESV)
"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up."

I'm not giving up. Who could give up on these cuties??