Pause Button

When life throws you a curve ball, and it smashes into your life and changes everything, it seems like there should be a pause button. Something you can press to just STOP what is going on around because it feels like your heart and your life have stopped, but everything is just going on like nothing has changed. But my whole world has. 

In two days it will be a month since my brother died unexpectedly.

The past few weeks I have been struggling to keep up with life, my kids, homeschooling, friends, the school we are helping to run.... Like I'm treading water with a brick on top of my head. Talking to a student who is wondering about a form I was going to send them and why hasn't it come? Because they were accepted right before I flew back for my brother's memorial service. And I forgot. So much is trying to process in my brain and my heart right now that I feel like it's a struggle to just do the normal, everyday things. By the end of the day I'm exhausted from trying to keep my emotions, which are right on the surface always, from spilling onto every person around me. I don't always succeed and I have made a mess of a few people's shirts. I'm so thankful that they don't mind. That I'm surrounded by love, and friends who understand, and that my heart is held together by the God who's love is real and tangible in these moments. 

The tidal waves of grief have become less intense and a dull, heavy ache is setting in. I have to figure out my new normal. It's a learning process. I'm sorry for my lack of communication to so many. I just haven't been able to keep up with everything. 

Knowing I'll see him again someday, is a comfort and I am so grateful for that. But I keep thinking of how my kids won't really remember him, and he was such a good uncle. And how different holidays and visits home will be without home there, and so many other things, the list goes on. The ache is deep. 

Thank you so much to all who have been praying, writing, and surrounding me and my family with love. It is like balm to this heart. 

'The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.' Psalm 34:18

Here is Tim playing with Kaleigh and Gideon a few years back. 

First World Problems

I stood in the bathroom, listening to the shower run, tapping my toe impatiently, waiting for the hot water to kick in. No joke it took about 10 minutes. Nathaniel was at work and I was hoping to quickly take a shower before the baby woke up from the darn molars that have been bothering her for what seems like months. So who has 10 minutes to spare waiting for the water to get warm?
"At least you have warm water."
Conviction hit me. And I flashed back to our first year of marriage when we lived in Panama and every shower was cold. We had buckets outside to catch rain water for flushing the toilets, hoping to lengthen the amount of time the running water would last on the missions base where we lived.
I sometimes get a little grumpy about doing laundry in the coin machines here ($2 to finish a load! My quarters disappear so fast...). And then I remember needing to take a taxi down to the laundry mat and sit there while it finished. Here I can just walk down the hall and leave it there and return when it's done.  
Our life before was NOT bad at all! It's just now, we are more comfortable. Inconveniences that I let get under my skin sprout from being ungrateful. When in reality we are SO blessed. It helps me so much when I start to complain if I stop and put things into perspective.
How so many other people live.
What so many other people are going through.
How many people are hungry, scared, and alone.

And that will knock me off my high horse so quickly. First world problems are not problems. They are inconveniences that many other people wish they could be inconvenienced with.

I will chose to be grateful. Even if I have to be reminded everyday.

"It is good to give thanks to the Lord, and to sing praises to Your name... to declare Your lovingkindness in the morning, and Your faithfulness every night." —Psalm 92:1-2

A Steady Beat

After the last post (two months ago!), Nathaniel started working on a movie set and although we saw him every now and then, he was basically gone for a month. This job was a huge blessing in so many ways, but as I saw that month coming I steeled myself up for it. When he is gone the burden of caring for house and home became a little heavier. Play dates, staff meetings, home school... it all added up and we kept ourselves busy enough to keep ourselves afloat. A rhythm was established for while dad was gone. When he was done, we were so happy to have him home! But we needed to reestablish our old rhythm and take time as a family to reconnect. All in all, it's been a great two months.
As the days roll I find a peace in the steady beat of life. We are accustomed to the ebb and flow of people here on the campus, we are accustomed to community living. In reality, I love it.
Christmas is upon us and I love passing the joy, hope, and excitement of the season to my children. Decorating, baking, (although Christmas cookies six at a time in a toaster oven is not ideal!), Christmas tree, putting money in the salvation army bucket, carols... all leading to the one day where we celebrate the Savior who left his rightful place up in heaven to come to us as a humble babe born in a stable.
This time of year stirs up my heart with so much love. And yet, just like that *snaps fingers* it will be over. We build up to it...and then it's done. And we go back to that steady rhythm.
As I was reading in my Bible the other day I read the verse where it talks about being a living sacrifice. Romans 12:1 'Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ' 
As I live and breathe, I should be a living sacrifice. At all times. Dying to self, giving back to God and giving to others. This sounds exhausting. I think of my steady beat through life and I get exhausted just thinking about what it would take to do that. But then in this special time God showed me a different picture. Here is the month leading up to His birth. I LOVE this time and so I put the extra effort forth to bake, decorate, teach the kids about baby Jesus and what that means for them, and all of the things that have to do with Christmas. On TOP of what I already have to do. It should be extra exhausting but it's not, because it brings me so much joy. Celebrating Jesus brings me joy! LIFE should be this way. Teaching my kids how amazing it is to have a relationship with God, Preparing them for the joys and challenges of adulthood, and knowing that God has great plans for me and that won't ever change. Celebrating Jesus all the time. All year, should be a celebration of Him. The one who gave so much and showed the ultimate example of what it means to sacrifice. I feel I can look at the coming year with expectation. Celebrating life and the One who gave us life so abundantly!

Merry Christmas Everyone! <3

Run With Endurance

Head down, eyes watching your feet pound the pavement, knowing you've almost reached the end of the race but you are so tired and worn, that you hardly feel you can make it to the end. Then you see this up ahead. 

Your feet pound a little faster, you lift up your head and look towards the finish line. You're heart is encouraged and when you see the end you run! You made it! 

I loved seeing the encouraging messages written all over the path for the runners of the Iron Man Race here in Kona. Encouragement in so many different languages, colors, and sizes. I could see the runners in the last leg of the race who were SO tired, hot, sweating.... and yet they kept on. To be in that moment, and see a message written to you to give you strength and keep you going forward would be just the thing to put the spring in your step! It was amazing to watch the race. And I would say inspiring... but I feel in order to say that it would mean it had inspired me to do something. And do you don't see me exercising? Hahahaha. I guess I have been trying to drink a little less soda. 

So many times in my life it feels like I'm just pushing through, staring at my feet and watching them move forward until the next day comes. Somewhere along the way my gaze drifts down, and things don't look as hopeful when you stare at your feet. You won't see anything new, hopeful, or exciting if you are just staring at your sneakers (if they are like mine, they look pretty new, because like I said, I don't do much exercise =D ). In those moments, God brings me encouragement. Through my friends or family, a song, a verse... something that reminds me to look up and set my eyes back on what is important. On finishing, and enjoying the race while I'm at it. 

This song brought me to my knees first, then I lifted my gaze upwards. 

Two lines that get me every time:

When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world?

I try to take life back right out of the hands of the king of the world?

(King of The World: Natalie Grant)

So we keep moving. We keep running the race that God has set before us, following His lead and knowing we are not alone in this race. He is right beside us, so put it back in his hands. The burden will lift and so will your eyes. 

Hebrews 12:1-2

12 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. 2 We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.[a]Because of the joy[b] awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.

It's Just A Water Bottle

How often does God do something for us and we just don't even notice? Do we look for Him in the everyday things? I often tell my kids that God wants us to talk to Him about EVERYTHING. Even those things that seem so small that you figure He wouldn't care anyway because He has pretty important things to worry about. Like the world. So Lately I have been working to put this into practice. Driving around in a parking lot that is full and waiting for a spot. When someone finally leaves instead of thinking how we wish it had been faster, we tell God thanks for providing a spot, it's even more exciting when it's shaded! I want to show the kids how God works in all things. These last couple of weeks I failed in this area. The quarter was ending and we knew there was limited space on base for staff. Since our school has just ended, I was really nervous they would tell us we needed to find a place off base, yet nothing had opened up yet that we could afford. When they told us they had room I was SO relieved. Then they told me which room. And I failed. I was upset. It was exactly where I was hoping they would not put us. The building that I was sure had no breeze, just from looking at it. The room was dirty. (It had been unoccupied for quite some time), and most of all, we would have to do a lot of work to get over there.
So here I was praying God would provide a place for us to stay on base, and then I turned around and threw it back in His face. UGH. I feel terrible just thinking about it. After venting and sharing a bunch of my childish attitude. I started cleaning the room where we would be staying. Through coffee and cleaning God started working on my heart and I began to see all of the good things about the new room. New sink, new shower, the sun doesn't pound into the windows in the afternoon, better mattresses, the parking lot is closer, and BEST of all, we are over an office. That means at night when the kids want to jump around. It's fine!! Truly we upgraded, and now that I can see it, I am so grateful. I just wish I would have looked for the good  in the beginning.

Now this issue, is not nearly as pressing as a place to live. Not at all. But I went to God with it anyway. I like to have a water bottle by my bed. One with a straw! I had one like this but Alinah ended up braking it and I was pretty bummed. Do I buy another? Nah. We have a bunch of cups I should really just use those. But I'm actually lazy enough that I hate to sit up when I am thirsty at night and I inevitably ended up getting kind of wet because I'd try to lazily sip it without doing any work. This is a trivial thing. And I could have just bought a water bottle but I kept thinking it was just too silly that I didn't want to use a cup, so I just waited. Nathaniel had a day off the other day and we went to the small county fair on the other side of the island. Lo and behold, one of the prizes we won at the Geico booth where the kids spun a wheel, was a water bottle! With a straw! I knew God was taking care of the little things. Even though it was silly, it was something I really wanted.
Don't just go to Him with the big things. Go to Him with ALL things. I'm not saying you'll just start getting free stuff. Just know that He cares about all of the details. Maybe He is already working on some things and you just haven't realized it was Him yet. I could have easily passed off the water bottle as a coincidence, but I love thinking of it as a little gift. Don't just say thank you for the big things... Say thank for you for even the smallest.

Mom's Night Out, Volcano, and A Date...

I feel like most of my posts end up being very reflective and maybe someone reading the posts may think I am a very serious person. Is that true? I usually end up throwing a joke or two in there because that's actually what I usually do. My days do not always consist of me sitting and being introspective, and praying about how I should let God fix me (Although I should probably pray more about that!). The majority of my days are spent like many other stay at home moms. Feeding children, cleaning, playdates, homeschool, feeding children, cleaning, going to the park, browsing facebook, cooking, wondering why my house is still dirty even when I wrote cleaning two times... As a mom and as a YWAM'er I have learned to be very flexible. A friend texts me at 8:30am and asks if we want to go the park and I reply, 'Sure, let me get out of my PJ's and we will be right there!'
Friday night I went to a Ladies night at our church with some friends (without kids!) and had so much fun. They had a cupcake war (making them, not throwing them), provided dinner, and also one of the ladies shared her beautiful testimony.
Then Saturday morning we woke up and remembered the national parks were free that day! So as quickly as a family of five can, we threw on our clothes, grabbed a bag of a variety of snacks to throw at the children during the 2 hour drive, and headed to Volcano National Park. It was really fun to just do something random as a family and even though we didn't have a lot of time there (Because later that night Nathaniel and I went on a date. TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW with a break from kids! Epic!!) we had a great time doing some exploring. Nathaniel got to tell us all sorts of fun things about the volcano and the plants now that he is a bonafide tour guide. It was day time so we weren't able to see the lava glowing but it was all so new and fun to see. We drove home going around the south side of the island where I've never been before. On the way out to the park, every hill Gideon saw, he thought it was a volcano and some were either 'sleeping' or about to 'plode'. It was so cute and funny! For about the first 20 minutes anyway.
This weekend was relaxing. Last week we started Homeschool and it has been good but it will take a little time to find our rhythm. It was just what I needed, to be able to get out and do something new. I like routine but I also get to the point where it almost makes me feel claustrophobic and I need to get out and do something different! I have never really been a homebody, I like to be out and doing something. So this weekend it was like God was refreshing me. It was so needed and I am so grateful. Sometimes you just need to be a little spontaneous! Or at least I do.

The kids discussing the crater and how big their owies would be if the fell in.

Going through the Thurston Lava Tube

In front of the crater of the live volcano

My Sanity Milk

This post... is not very profound. Just a warning. haha!

Every night, unless I am dead beat tired, or sick or something... I sit down and I have a glass of milk. Unless we have (gasp!) run out of milk and I have to drink super cold water. This is not quite as effective but has worked in some cases. It helps keep me sane.  Even when my morning starts earlier than planned, like the other morning at 5:40am, when a giant cockroach crawled down my arm while I was in bed nursing, and I had to chase it around with a flip flop while baby was still attached (Nathaniel came to my rescue), I sit down at night after all is quiet and have a glass of milk.
By myself.
So many people have told me they do their quiet time with Jesus in the morning. It's best to start off your morning with God and everything else flows from there, they say.
But I have tried this and it seems almost physically impossible for me to wake up earlier than I have to (aka before the kids wake up and decide they are starving). Mostly because of this bad habit I have of staying up later than I should. So if I have this bad habit, I might as well put it to good use and do my quiet time at night. Most of my blogging happens at night as well since that is when I have done my quiet time (usually) and actually have something to talk about. Tonight I am doing it backwards and blogging first, quiet time second. Milk is already gone so I may have to pour a little more...
Jesus and I have come to an agreement. Maybe because I am much more enjoyable to hang out with at night since I am not as grumpy. Sometimes you just do what works for you. I love to multitask so often my 'quiet time' actually just mean 'alone time with God' because I also have music playing in my ears.
To be honest I've been slacking. Doing a blog actually helps to keep me accountable. It reminds me to keep searching and looking for inspiration from God.
If anything comes out of this post it would be, to find what's right for you. There is more than just one way to do things. I even have an app that is AWESOME called Echo to help me pray.
I put my list of prayers in it, set random times during the day and it reminds me to pray throughout the day!!! This has been so good for me. I don't enter my password on my Ipod until I have prayed for that thing. Is it dumb that I use an app for this? Maybe. I don't care. It's helpful and this is what I have found to help me. Here is the link: Echo Prayer App
Figure out how to make it work. Is it too hard to memorize scripture? Get scripture songs! Already have too much stuff in your diaper bag to carry a Bible with you to church? Get the Bible on your phone!
Trust me I'm not perfect. Anyone who knows me, knows that. But we should always be striving to improve. Even if it's a tiny step, it's still a step.
Keep walking forward.

One of those family photos that didn't quite work out. Haha.
See? Imperfect.