And So I Will Dwell....

Almost a month has gone by since my last post, and so much has built up in my heart I don't really know where to begin...
This month I have been learning about dwelling places. Too much to get into details but there have been struggles this month and personally I have been struggling back and forth with things and taking on the impossible task of a wrestling match with God. My spirit feels a little bruised and tired but the outcome was not a body slam into the ground like you would maybe expect, but instead a sheltering, loving hug from my Heavenly Father. Isn't that just how it is wrestling with children? You roll around on the floor with them, they get their energy out and see how strong they can be and if they can overtake you, so you play along for a little while. When you decide it's been enough, more often than not that wrestling match turns into a hug.
I had to get that energy, frustration, and confusion out. Even though I knew I could never win, I still needed to wrestle and ask why. Instead of telling me why, God pulled me in closer to him and reminded me to praise. The song that WOULD NOT LEAVE MY HEAD?
"Your praise will, ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips, your praise will, ever be on my lips..."
Hint maybe? So I praise. I find things to be grateful for. Like songs that God puts in my head to remind me, or to minister to me. I'm grateful for my kids, for my husband, for God's provision. So that even when my heart is hurting over loss, and the tears run down my face, I don't have to stay there. My lesson this month has been not to dwell in the pain. To not stay there, because the longer I do, the harder it is to get out of it. It says in Psalm 91: 1-2
"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, "My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust!"
Picking up my tent stakes and make my dwelling in His shelter. Such a secure camping spot. When the storm is raging all around me, I am safe.
If you ever get sick of my sharing songs... Sorry not sorry! Music is something I am so, so, thankful to have. The other day I heard a beautiful song on the radio called, Thy Will, by Hillary Scott. This song was written by Hillary after she experienced a miscarriage and this song shows that beautiful struggle so well. The back and forth of hurt and pain, but yet knowing God's truth and speaking it over the situation. I could feel the emotions in the song because even though I wasn't going through the same thing she was, the emotions were the same. So I am choosing to dwell in Him. Even when I don't understand everything, I will place my trust in the One who's ways are higher than my ways.

Thy Will, by Hillary Scott - Music Video

Thy Will

I’m so confused
I know I heard You loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of Your plan
When I try to pray
All I’ve got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know You’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know You think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all Your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that You’re God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will

I know You see me
I know You hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness You have in store
I know You hear me
I know You see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness You have in store
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know You see me
I know You hear me, Lord
_____________________________________________________

The Lights, The Lights, The Lights...

Most of the time when I get ready to write a blog, I have some alone time with God (usually while doing dishes or going somewhere because I am a multi-tasker to a fault), and that inspires me to pour some of the overflow of my heart through my keyboard and onto... the internet? Yes. Onto this blog. Why? Because it helps me to process and remember things better. Also because many times I have read someone's blog and been inspired, moved, or motivated, just by their everyday life. So I pay it forward.
Also to help keep me inspired. I often have some dessert and a glass of milk next to me. I'll grab that in a sec. Sugar keeps me going. Haha.
So yesterday marked the nine year anniversary of when my husband and I got married. Many people go on a romantic date on their anniversary. We didn't. Instead we packed the kids up and drove 2 hours to the other side of the island and spent the day in Hilo! The free zoo there was fun and after lunch we went to a little place called Coconut Island. You walk over on a foot bridge and there is a very small island with areas to swim. Afterwords we walked around in a beautiful garden that had MANY mosquitoes. It was over all a very good day. My favorite part though was on the way back. The road that goes across the island is called Saddle Road and reaches an elevation of 6,600 feet. You go up, up, up... and then come back down. On this road is where  you can access the visitors center and the observatory on the dormant volcano; Mauna Kea. (The Tallest mountain in the world).
Let me paint the picture for you.
All three kids are asleep in the back seat, We see the last of the sun go down behind the mountains and it's light disappears. We are out in the middle of nowhere on this road that has no street lights, and we have Coldplay playing softly.
The stars were AMAZING. If we thought our little wind up car could have climbed the hill we would have gone to the observatory, but even from our car we could see the stars so well. Beautiful.
I could have looked at them forever. It just blows your mind to see the heavens and how amazing they are. Two feelings went through me. First I felt so small and insignificant, and He felt SO BIG.
How excellent is Your name in all the earth, Who have set Your glory above the heavens! When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, The moon and the stars, which You have ordained, What is man that You are mindful of him, And the son of man that You visit him? PSALM 8:1,3-4

Then I felt... so loved. Who am I that He is mindful of me? But He IS. Who am I that He would speak to me? But He DOES. Because of Him, I am significant. This meme that  you see popping up all over Facebook, just became so real for me. Sometimes we desperately need to go somewhere new and gain fresh perspective on life. I had become so stuck in my little world that I lost sight of the big picture. I am so grateful for the beauty of creation that is always testifying to the greatness of it's Creator. 
'

Scattered Pieces of My Heart

About five and a half years ago, I hit a pretty low spot. We had been in missions for about 3 1/2 years and the constant emotional ups and downs were draining me. For two of those years we had been trying to start a family and that was really draining me as well. I remember so well as we prayed about what to do next, and God opened the doors to go back to Wisconsin, that I was almost too afraid to believe it was true.
God knew my heart needed to go home. Shortly after we made the decision that we would be going back, we found out we were expecting Kaleigh. I was so excited, I almost was afraid to believe that was real as well! I probably took five tests just to makes sure.
It was the start of God healing my heart. Because I love people. I love getting to know them, hearing their stories... We made so many friends during our time in Panama. But we also had to say goodbye so many times. I had NEVER experienced this before. My husband grew up this way but for me it was so foreign. Getting close to people and then having them move to another country 6 months later, it felt like my heart was constantly being sent in different places. Or when I would travel, meet people, and then have to leave. No matter which way it happened, it was hard.
I got tired of it to be honest. I remember one girl coming on to staff for a little while and we were both kind of in the same place where it felt like our hearts were too tender from all of the goodbyes that we had both decided separately not to befriend each other. Dumb plan didn't work. I love her anyway! And I haven't seen her since Panama.
By the time we moved back to Wisconsin I had little by little hardened my heart. In my head I rationalized it...I have enough friends, I can be friendly but not put my self  out there, not everyone needs to be close to me.
I sat there in church one day during a weekly Bible study all tense in my chair, just hanging on to Kaleigh in my belly and trying so hard not to let my wall that I had built around my heart, come down. The only way I could hold it up and keep myself 'safe' was not to listen when God spoke because I know I'm not called to be isolated. But God was after me that night. He wasn't going to let me get away with it anymore, I had turned a deaf ear long enough. Through the weeks of the Bible study He had slowly been loosening my grip and that night as I closed my eyes and asked him to show me something, He gave me a picture of a bird cage. There was a bird sitting inside of it but the door was open.
I was that bird. That was my cage. The cage felt really safe, but God was showing me that the door was open. And instead of being free I was choosing to sit there and not fly! Why did God give birds wings? To FLY! And yet I was choosing a life of captivity. He wanted me to be free.
You would think after that, since it was pretty clear, that I would have just surrendered. But instead, God in all His mercy, gave me time. Brick by brick he pulled down that wall and did a work on my heart in the process. Giving me the strength to open my heart again and step out of that cage.
It's so much better out here guys. I meet new people all the time. I have so many friends from all over and I just love each one of them. I have my core friends back home that will always be my nearest and dearest. I don't know what I would do with out them.
But God can teach me so much through each new person I meet. I can relate to each person in a different way. Or always have the 'mom connection' when I see other mothers. How can we touch anyone's life if we don't invite them into ours? It may be messy, and sometimes my kids are naughty, and I'm FAR from perfect, but you are welcome to join us. I use to think hospitality was having an elaborate meal planned and the house spotless, but I'm learning more that it is welcoming people into your home whether it inconveniences you or not, and whether you were ready, or not! Helping them to feel comfortable. And if I could get my act together I'd try to at least always have snacks around! Even if my floor needs to be vacuumed.
Goodbyes are still hard. and it sucks. But I learn to keep my eyes on Him during these times. The healing process has gotten a lot faster now that I know how to turn it over to God.
I'm not really sure why I felt I should share this? Maybe to encourage someone? But most of all I just wanted to show how God can help you out of those desert times. That relationships with people can be hard but it is so worth it, and my life is richer because of the multitude of people that are in it.

John 8:36

'So if the son sets you free, You will be free indeed.'

Refreshment Please!

I often joke with people who say I have my hands full (Of kids) that an extra arm should grow, so that you don't have more kids than arms.

That would look atrocious. But it would be SOO handy!

Today was one of those days where things got a little nuts. Children were super tired, cranky, teething... and so on. I was about to call Nathaniel to come help, but I realized he forgot his phone. 

Bummer.

I told myself that this was fine, I could handle this by myself, I've done it before. But then I thought about my neighbor. On a whim I knocked on her door (They share our wall, and their door is only maybe six feet from ours don't worry!), and asked her to help me for a couple of minutes while I got the kids settled down. She was SO sweet and an extra set of hands was a huge help! I am so, so grateful. She even said how glad she was that I asked. Oh and did I mention she moved my laundry along for me? 

Trust me, Cookies will be baking soon as a thank you. 

It reminded me of a verse that I have highlighted in bright yellow, in my Bible. 

Philemon 1: 7

'Your love has given me much joy and comfort, my brother, for your kindness has often refreshed the hearts of God's people.'

Kindness refreshes hearts!!! It truly was so refreshing to be the recipient of her kindness and the more I thought of it the more I realize how much an act of kindness can affect someone. Even reading something, or seeing a video ABOUT acts of kindness has a refreshing effect on me. You know when it's summer and you've been outside and your sweating buckets and (in my case) look like a stewed tomato? Then you get a glass of cold water and it's like the best thing you've ever tasted? Yeah, that's refreshing. After that glass of water you are ready to go back out there again and keep going. 

Be that for someone. Help someone to keep going. 

Refreshment Please! 

"If Only You Could See Them Through My Eyes..."

It is Mother's Day weekend. Hence the onslaught of posts by mothers, to mothers, and about mothers. Why you ask? Because this is an important day. This day brings so many emotions. I run through them all.
Heart Bursting Love.... for my kids, and for my mom.
Guilt... for not being a better mom, or daughter, or granddaughter.
Excitement... thinking ahead to what will come as my kids get older.
Fear... thinking ahead to what will come as my kids get older! Haha. But for real though.
Amazement.... at the little blessings God entrusted to me.
Grief... when I think of the my grandmothers who are both gone, and those who's moms are no longer with them.

All these emotions, I need to process. I always find myself contemplating deeply around Mother's Day. I often find that guilt rides quickly on the heels of the crazy love I feel for my kids and reminds me of ALL my shortcomings as a mother, It starts listing all of my "mom fails". And that could go on forever because after just one week that list is quite lengthy.
I saw a giveaway on instagram and to enter you had to answer the question: What do you want to do on Mother's Day?
So I paused and thought about it. My first thought was, to be alone. No one touching me, asking me questions.... But then I thought, no. That would be nice for like an hour. Maybe two. But what I really want is to go somewhere that the kids love to be. Where they will be happy and I can sit there and watch them be happy and just soak in that Heart bursting love for them and let it refresh my spirit. Because that comes from God. I believe that's how He feels about us. The guilt will have to stay silent,because if I tell him to, the Devil has to FLEE from me in Jesus' name.
My conscience, that still small voice that comes from the Holy Spirit is a good thing. It helps me to see my faults, but in a gentle and loving way that brings correction.
Guilt, beats you over the head with a hammer relentlessly until you feel like nothing about you is good enough. That my friends, is not healthy, and is not from God. Please know the difference. I am speaking this to myself as well.
I was praying this morning. Because I needed to, since the the Holy Spirit had to get a little less gentle with me today until I listened. I asked God, "Why do I get SO frustrated with my kids so easily?!"
"If only you could see them through My eyes..."
Ahhh, I saw those words scroll through my brain. Yes. I allow my tiredness, my headache, my dirty house, my SELF, to fog the lenses through which I see my children. Oh that cleared my vision so quickly.
Kaleigh - Eager to please, serving, smart, beautiful, strong moral compass, creative, perseverent,  expressive, sensetive, made for something great....
Gideon - Strong, perfectionist, goofy, loving, adventurous, thoughtful, compassionate, protector, led by God
Alinah - Peaceful, joyful, observant, leader, light of life, listener of God's voice

When I see them through His eyes, my perspective can change. Prayer, and quiet time will be my windshield wipers to clear off the junk that I let get in the way of how I see them. It will help me to know how to build their strengths and to love them the way God loves them.
This is my plan. Will I fail? Yeah probably. But the beauty of this is that God knows my heart and is quick to forgive and to help.
So this Mother's day, I encourage you to see your kids as God sees them. Ask Him to tell you about your kids and their hearts. Write it down. Let that LOVE that He gave you for your children that makes your heart feel like its going to explode, and makes you feel like laughing and crying all at the same time, refresh you and give you that motivation to keep going! You are important, you are needed, and you are so loved.
Happy Mother's Day <3

Bragging a Bit

re·source·ful

rəˈsôrsfəl/

adjective

1. having the ability to find quick and clever ways to overcome difficulties.

Do you know anyone like this? I do. I'm married to him! 

Did I mention that we bought a car a few weeks ago? No? Oh, well we did. It's a four door Kia Rio and the kids are tightly squeezed into the back. Or cozy, as we like to say. But it's a billion times better than pushing a double stroller for miles in the hot sun while your five year old (She just turned five!!) struts along beside us trying to keep up. 

We didn't go super far, and don't worry, we didn't walk too fast for Kaleigh.

But a car is better. And such a blessing! Now when you buy a car that is a little older, things tend to happen. Like parts breaking. And of course about two days after we bought our blue blessing (That's what I have just decided to name it, because it is blue and I am so grateful and blessed to have a car), the car stopped working properly. It would go.... but it wasn't running well and would die as soon as we put it in park. I was so bummed. Food is expensive here, about one and a half times the national average. Housing is two times the national average...so I'm sure you can imagine how much it would be to get a car fixed. 

Knowing we didn't have the money to go get the car fixed, my RESOURCEFUL and very smart husband started to do some research. YouTube and Google, and he was able to figure out what part was the problem! The valve that controls how much air goes into the throttle, was broken. Now, Nathaniel has never really been one to work on cars. This is not really his thing. I will admit that I was a tad nervous as he started to take things apart and work under the hood. 

I had no need to be nervous. It is fixed! He did it! The new part is installed and the car runs much smoother than it did before. I'm so proud of him for sticking with it and trying it even though, it was not something he was very comfortable with. It was just so awesome how it all worked out too, because we ordered the part online (saving us another $50 since it was much more expensive here. All together he ended up saving us a few hundred dollars.), and it came JUST in time so Nathaniel could fix the car and we could take the kids last weekend to a place where you can see dolphins swim. We had told them we would take them to celebrate their birthdays. I'm so glad we don't have to wait until the next weekend. It's the little things. Thanks God! 

So I just wanted to put that out there. Even if you aren't sure about how to do something, and maybe you are nervous about it, you can still TRY. It's inspiring to me and I hope inspiring to you. And I thought, I could just brag about my husband for a little bit :D. 

Making this House a Home

"Mommy, where is my home?"

A while back, while visiting a friend, Kaleigh asked them, "Is this your home?"

"Yes it is!" My friend replied. "Where is your home?"

My daughter's eyes glossed over with confusion, and she looked at me. "Mommy, where is my home?"

My heart hurt a little to hear her ask this. I know it's confusing. We have moved every six months for the past two years. 

"Home is wherever your family is. So right now, our home is with your Grandma and Grandpa Wells!" She seemed satisfied with this answer and went on to play with her little friends. 

Home is where your family is. Wherever God has called you to be. But part of my job as mom and wife is to make wherever we are, feel like home. I have little roll up beds for the kids that my friend from church made, we take those everywhere so they have the same bed anywhere we are. Certain toys we bring with, to help it feel more like home. It's the little things. 

I should have taken a before picture of our apartment, with our suitcases and things in piles and disarray . But that would have truly been embarrassing. Instead I took pictures four days later after I finally got all the suitcases unpacked and things tidied up. Ha! That only took me forever! By now the jet lag is starting to wear off and Gideon actually slept through the night. (Praise the Lord, Hallelujah!). We have had one staff meeting in preparation for the school beginning this week. Wednesday Nathaniel will go to look at a van, and we are settling in. This studio apartment with a loft is beginning to feel like home and it's wonderful. Who knows how long we will be here since we are keeping our eye open for places to rent off campus, just in case. But for now, we are happy and content, and ready to make the trek down the hill to the beach. Alinah's first time! 

For a girl who lived in the same home with her family for about 10 years, it was an adjustment to move around so much. We adapt and change and I'm learning how to do this quickly and in every circumstance. 

Here is quick tour of our apartment :). 

My reminder to myself after a long four days of being jet-legged and much to short with my poor family!!