A Silent Freight Train

Do you ever have phases where every time you look at the calendar you do a double take? What?! How is February already ending? Where did the time go? Just one year ago we were surprised by finding out we were having a baby. Now I'm holding a four month old in my arms. My oldest daughter will be five at the end of April and my son will be three next month. 

Time is a like a sneaky, silent freight train. 

You can feel it passing but it's just like wind on your face and you don't realize until you look up that the cars are flying past you and there is nothing you can do to stop it. So much happens in such a small amount of time. 

We are still in the midst of this change. At times I get overwhelmed and I have to pile it all back at God's feet and lift up my hands in surrender. 

I will be the first to admit that trust doesn't come easily to me. And why? Has God ever let me down? No. All I know is that whenever I doubt, and worry, instead of patronizing me He always comforts me. Reassures me. 

We are working on support raising as we get ready to go back on the mission field and as I see the stark difference in the $2200 a month we will need in Hawaii with our three children and the small amount we needed back when it was just the two of us in Panama, my first reaction is fear. I'm just being honest. 

Then I get those gentle reminders from God that HE is in control. And as much as I like to have things under control,it is a huge weight off my shoulders to put it in His capable hands. His will be done. Not mine. Tonight this verse was one of His loving reminders to me. 

19 See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. (Isaiah 43:19 NIV)

Yes. I DO perceive it. And I know he will make a way. No, I do not consider North Carolina a wasteland! Ha. But yes the constant moving around these last two years has been wearing. I am so ready be in one place for a while. In all this I am so grateful for the streams in the wilderness.  The friends we have made, the experiences we've had, our family. 

As time goes chugging silently by, I'll try to admire each moment, each train car, and remember it. And be thankful for it. Not worrying. But living. 

Salt and Light

Seasons change, life changes, people change... We have gone through so many changes this last year, and as 2016 starts, we find ourselves rolling with the tides of change once again. On March 8^th we will be hopping another plane, headed back to the University of the Nations in Kona Hawaii! I prayed for favor when looking for our plane tickets, and God did even better than just giving us a good price for tickets (we found a great price!), but we also found out that our miles covered two tickets! So blessed and thankful. Last time when we flew to HI it was with two little kids in tow. This time, we have three!

In September of 2015 Nathaniel finished the film school and internship at the U of N, and when we return we will both be staff with this school. I have no experience working with film but I can help in the areas of mentoring or administration. As we have described the vision of being in the film industry, and working with people who are in that field and do not yet know who Jesus is, the word that we are called to be Salt to the Earth and Light to the World is brought up over and over. This is what the School of Digital Film making is all about. Teaching people how to be good at what they do, but also how to be in that industry, making a positive influence on those they work with. Also how to make good quality films that reflect Godly values. Being staff, Nathaniel will get the chance to gain even more experience working in film and of course help the students as well. Our plan is to be there a year and from there, who knows!? Psalms 119:105 'Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.' If you think about it, a lamp doesn't shine very far ahead, but it shows you your next steps, and that is just what we need. Because when we know God is guiding our steps, then we know we will end up in the right place. Our journey is never boring and sometimes challenging, but it's exciting to be traveling in the will of God.

Here is where I ask for prayer. Please pray for our trip back. This is about 18 hours of traveling and will be Alinah's first time flying so... lots of prayer is needed! Also prayer for grace as we transition once again. We will miss being with my mom and dad and closer to family. The kids especially will have to adjust again to the different time zone and living quarters and that can be rough. Nathaniel will need to find a job on top of everything, and we will be looking for a car and eventually an apartment off campus. Another prayer request we have is for more monthly supporters. The more financial support we have, the more Nathaniel will be able to focus full time on the ministry and developing new projects.

We have been so grateful for the support and love we have received during this time we have spent back on the mainland. It has been such a good time for us to adjust to being a family of five and for our kids to get to know my parents better. It was also really special to be able to have our baby here, with my mom delivering. As hard as it is to leave, we are really excited about getting back into the ministry, and settling into our new routine. It's always a new adventure and we love to take you guys with us though the journey. It's always amazing to see what God is going to do next and such a privilege to be able to be a part of it! I pray that in this new year you will see God's blessings each day. Each day is a new start and His mercies are new every morning!

Blessings from the Tracy Family!

Nathaniel, Elizabeth, Kaleigh, Gideon, and Alinah

Send offerings and support to:

Good News Christian Center, 2293 Prairie Ave. Beloit, WI 53511.

Make checks payable to: GNCC with the memo saying 'support for Nathaniel and Elizabeth Tracy'.

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Dimly Lit City

I'm sitting here and it is quiet.

No big deal you say? Ohhhh but if only I had a sound recording of the constant chatter, laughing, screaming, yelling, crying and scolding that goes on in this house. Sometimes I wish I could wear ear plugs around the house and live in ignorant bliss! But now that would be irresponsible. So thankful for a moment of silence while baby sleeps and Hubby is out with the kids. I am wondering if he could see me slowly going insane? Nah.

This last month I have been thinking about the name we chose for baby A. Her name means 'Shining Light of Life'. We don't just chose our names on a whim, we pray about it and talk about it together. This will be their name all of their life and God will call them by this name! It is a big deal to us. I kept coming back to the name meaning 'Shining Light'. We picked the variation of that name that we liked the best and then started the search for her middle name. My husband found it, and I was excited. It was perfect! In so many ways I feel her name is a prophesy in itself. I imagine her shining God's light to every one. Of course I was more imagining that this would happen as she got older and grew to love God. But even now she brings such joy to so many people!

Maybe people in North Carolina like babies more than people in Wisconsin... no I don't think that's it. Maybe it's been so long since I carried a tiny baby around that I forgot what it's like. That's possible. But everywhere I go it seems that someone stops me to comment on how beautiful A is, how small she is, "I thought you were carrying a doll!", how sweet, how precious, such a gift...
It's amazing! I really feel as though I am stopped twice as often with this baby than I ever was with the other two. Of course my other two kids were super cute and adorable and I love them to death. But I really do feel as though there is something about little A that just shines. She brings joy to people. Unless she has gas. Then she is REALLY grumpy.

Babies naturally draw attention. They remind people of new life, that life goes on, that God still does miracles (if babies aren't miracles, I don't know what is!), and they make people remember. For some people they are painful memories but for most I believe it brings joyful memories. I hope so. I see joy on people's faces as they look at Little A. I think babies naturally shine God's light. If we were to truly surrender to God and let his light pierce through our darkness and pour out of us, then people would be drawn to that light. I know people who just seem to shine with the love of God! And people are drawn to that. I want to to shine! Not so people see me, but so they see God's light, hope and love. If I am always thinking of myself. (Which I am ashamed to admit that I am often doing just that), then God's light in my will be very dim. 

"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden." Matthew 5:14 NASB

Imagine someone  tired and weary, they have been driving for hundreds of miles and know if they don't get some gas soon they will be out and then they will be stuck. They keep praying for help and for a town and then they see, up on a hill, the dimmest of lights. Could that be it? Is that really a town? It doesn't look like anyone really lives there. Feeling helpless, they drive on. 

Sure, it was a town, it was a city on a hill. But that city was so focused inward that the shining light of hope was but a dim flicker. How often is our light just a flicker. How easily can Satan just "phh" it out? 

'This little light of mine,

I'm gonna let it shine. 

This little light of mine,

I'm gonna let it shine. 

This little light of mine,

I'm gonna let it shine. 

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine!'

Lord let your light so shine in my life, and the lives of my family that people see rays of hope! Pierce through the darkness in this world and bring life!

You Make Me Brave

Our little A had just turned one month old and the holidays were upon us. I love the holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas in particular. The fun and 'magic' of this time of year makes me so happy and I want the same thing for my kids! So one Saturday there was a Christmas parade happening in downtown Raleigh, I knew I wanted to take the kids. The problem was, Nathaniel had to work that day and I would be doing it alone. Well, we didn't get there on time, probably about twenty or thirty minutes late, but it wasn't a big deal because the parade would be 2 hours long! I loaded the two older kids into our stroller and put the baby in my ring sling. It was a bit of a load to push up the hill and through the crowds to the parade but we did it! A nice mom had her kids scootch over so mine could sit on the curb as well. I was standing but that suited fine so I could keep an eye on everything.

The parade was almost done and as it was finishing the sweet mom in front of me chatted a little and then said, "You are so brave! My baby is older than yours and I was too nervous to bring him. I left him home with his dad."
It struck me as odd that she would call ME brave. I brushed it off saying I couldn't leave the baby home since she is breastfed and her dad was working anyway, then thanked her for giving my kids a spot to sit. She was such a nice lady. As I packed the kids up to start the daunting task of fighting the crowds going back to their cars, another man with his kids and wife who had been sitting next to us, also said how brave he thought I was! I said, "You do what you've got to do, you know?" But it blew me away!
I thought, these are my kids! Who else would take them? If I can't do it, who can? What about all the single moms? (For whom I have GREAT respect, let me tell you!) Whenever I need to do something that feels like a large task, or something I'm not ready for, or something that seems really difficult, I automatically think of someone who has it worse than I do. Some women would LOVE to have three kids but have trouble conceiving. Some moms don't have a car to get where they need to go... and so on. But I never thought of myself as brave. I don't think I ever have.
This has rattled around in my brain for a while these past couple of weeks. What does it mean to be brave? I looked up the definition and this is what I found:

Brave: Feeling or showing no fear : Not afraid
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/brave

So it would end up, that I actually AM brave and I just never knew it! That day instead of dwelling on how difficult it would be, I just did it. Loaded my three kids into the car by myself, buckled them all in, drove there with a newborn who is not a fan of being in the car, found a parking spot in the craziness of all the people going to the parade, got them all to the parade and navigated around the crowd with my large stroller and a baby attached to me, and watched the parade. Instead of being afraid, I just did it. I kept a close eye on my kids to make sure I didn't lose them among the thousands of people there, I kept an eye on the stroller to make sure nobody stole our stuff, I took pictures of the parade to record the moment, and nursed my one month old, standing up with her in the sling. (What would I do if I didn't have a ring sling?!) Yes, before I left I almost ditched the idea of going at all. I was tired and it made me nervous to think of doing it by myself. But the kids loved it. They sat through that whole parade, with out fussing and it was all worth it. You do what you've got to do. I couldn't let the kids see how nervous I was. And I knew that really, I wasn't alone because God says, "Fear not! For I am with you!" (Isaiah 41:10). It is much easier to show no fear, or have no fear and be brave, when you have an all powerful God on your side. Yes! I still got flustered, I may have had a few moments of mom fail that day, like baby A peeing through all of her clothes and onto me, but it all worked out well in the end.
YOU are brave. If you are someone who feels fear just at the thought of going out in public, but you do it anyway, you are brave! If making a new friend or opening up to someone new scares the daylights out of you, but you do it anyway, YOU are brave! Do you see what I'm getting at here? The brave ones are not only people who have done amazing thing like David facing Goliath or, Daniel standing up for his beliefs knowing he would end up in the lions den. The brave ones are the people who face things that scare them, that make them nervous, and they do it anyway. They show no fear. Maybe someone else doesn't have that same fear, but they have another fear they have to face. It touched me to hear these other people giving me encouragement. The fact that I was brave in something that I thought shouldn't be a big deal (even though to me it was), and maybe helped another person be brave, is exciting. We can inspire others to face their fears,
Be an inspiration! And if you are still struggling, remember that if you ask him to be, God will be with you. As I write this a song is in my heart because it is so right for this moment.

You Make Me Brave by Amanda Cook; Bethel Music

I stand before You now
The greatness of your renown
I have heard of the majesty and wonder of you
King of Heaven, in humility, I bow

As Your love, in wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You made a way for all to enter in

I have heard You calling my name
I have heard the song of love that You sing
So I will let You draw me out beyond the shore
Into Your grace
Your grace

You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way

You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises you made
You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves

You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises you made

Read more: Bethel Music - You Make Me Brave Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

You Make Me Brave: Youtube video

God can make us brave, the love for your children or someone close to you, can make you brave.
YOU are brave.

The Blur Comes Into Focus

I apologize for the huge gap between posts. I don't mean for this to become the norm! After my last post, the craziness of packing, saying 'see you later' to Kona, and hopping on a plane, took over. The last two months have truly been a blur. On the 22nd of September we started our trip. Three plane rides later, our tired family flew into Chicago and then made our way to Wisconsin. We packed as many visits as we could with friends, family, and church family, into those five short days. Bittersweet to see them all but not know when we might see them again. It's rough on my emotions. And poor little sensitive K who struggled with all of the goodbyes. We packed ourselves and all our belongings into our minivan. Oh how I missed having a vehicle!! I wanted to hug and kiss that van. But that would have been gross, so I refrained from doing so. 

We spent a night in Chicago with a friend who blessed us with a great double stroller! We squeezed that into our van and then made our way to Ohio and spent some time with my sister. After a great time there we were on the road again, headed for Virginia Beach to visit Nathaniel's sister. Hitting Washington D.C. Rush hour traffic was a mistake we will hopefully NEVER make again! Eventually we made it there and had a good few days to visit. We made it to my parent's house in North Carolina on the 8th of October. Nineteen days before my due date. This gave us a little time to settle in to our new home. The RV in my parent's driveway. Although we mostly just run wild in their house, we sleep in the RV. Haha. On the nineteenth of October we had our last outing as a family of four. Along with my parents, we walked all around the North Carolina state fair enjoying the exhibits, food, and the kids enjoyed a couple of rides. 

I'm convinced that all this walking is what started the journey to becoming a family of five. 

The morning of Wednesday the 21st of October, I was talking to my friend on the phone. I remember telling her that it just felt like it would happen imminently. I was so achy and sore and felt so much pressure. That evening contractions started. Nathaniel was at work and by the time he got back at 9:00 things were starting to move along. He put the kids to bed and we realized we had no way to know if they woke up during the night, so he quick ran to Walmart for a baby monitor. The contractions were still only about six or seven  minutes apart but they were getting long and hard. I leaned heavily on Nathaniel. And then all of a sudden it hit me like a freight train. No time to rest, contractions came one after another. I told my mom (my midwife!) that if she wanted her assistant there to call her quick. She didn't make it. 

The water birth tub wasn't even filled all the way, but our baby wanted out! She was born after a few pushes into the loving hands of her Grandma. So special and it was all so perfect. Our little A is here and she is the piece that fits perfectly into our family puzzle. 7lbs. 13 ounces of cuteness, born at 2:06am on the 22nd of October. She quickly picked up on nursing, and after a while Nathaniel brought K out to meet her baby sister. She was so tired but deliriously happy to see her. Oh I'll always remember her smile the first time she saw our baby. So much love. My dad heard the baby cry and woke up to meet her. It all went so well and I'm just so grateful that we were able to come here and have this time. God has been good to us. Our family is adjusting to, and loving on, our new addition. Our hearts are so full! Meet our newest little girl...

Terror In their Eyes

These last couple of weeks here have been filled with rain, and even thunderstorms. For me, this has been wonderful because it brings some relief from the intense heat and sun beating down on you! During the day, a thunderstorm is great fun for the kids but night time is a different story...for G. I remember as a child being terrified of thunderstorms. I'd often end up crawling into my parent's bed and then I would feel safe again. K has no such worries, she just sleeps. But one night after everyone was asleep, about 10:30 P.M. or so, there was a bright flash of lightning and right away a LOUD crack of thunder. As soon as I saw the lightning I sat up waiting for the thunder that would come, and figuring they would both wake up. K stayed asleep but poor G (2 1/2 yrs. old) leaped out of his bed. The light was just right so that I could look in his eyes and see pure terror. It was heart wrenching. Nathaniel grabbed him and quickly snuggled him and I sat there and thought about it for a minute. In this situation, it later would become something cute and kind of funny. And it has. But I started thinking about so many children right now who have real terror in their eyes because of horrible things that are happening. As a parent, to watch your child be scared is such a sad thing and you automatically want to protect them and make it all better. In our situation we could, easily bring G into our bed and let him feel safe and know nothing bad was going to happen. But right now all over the world things are happening that so many parents have to watch their children be terrified, and there is nothing they can do.
It must be breaking their hearts into the tiniest pieces.
I cried that night for those parents and those kids. I cried today for them. (I just cry a lot in general these days). I watched a video of the refugees coming out of Syria and Iraq and being turned away at the borders of Europe. The scared and crying faces of the children just tear your heart in two. The helplessness that the parents, siblings, and grandparents must feel, is heartbreaking. I can't imagine being in their places. It was so eye opening for me to see that terror on G's face, it was just a glimpse of what it's like for other kids and parents in this world. Specifically I felt to pray for those refugees. How would it feel to think you were taking your children somewhere safe, only to be turned away right back into the terror you are fleeing? No where to go? I pray for them. I hope you pray for them too. I found a great article with many different options for ways to help these people. How to help the people who are there helping them. I will share it here.
Click HERE to read more about how to help the refugees!
We are blessed. So blessed to live where we do. I have never known the terror that these  people have face, and some are facing daily. I don't want to take that for granted.

My friend's husband, Steve Schallert is a very gifted song writer/musician and this song of his has been running through my head and my heart and become my prayer.

Jesus 
God of the poor 
Liberator 
Friend of the weak 

Jesus 
Light of the world 
These weary bones 
Tremble and weep 

Heal every heart 
Heal every soul 
Heal the violence we carry 
The blood in the soil 

There is blood in the soil!

A Song Of Lamentation - Steve Schallert

Still Just a Child

As I get larger, and larger (I am informed by K that the baby is getting REALLY big!), I find I rely on my four year old daughter more than I did before. If I drop something, and it falls right by my feet that I can barely see anymore, I might call her over from across the room to pick it up for me. She will go get things for me, and help me with the dustpan so I don't have to bend over while sweeping. The other day she took it upon herself to fold a load of clean laundry! Of course it wasn't perfect, and daddy had to fold his own shirts because they were just too big! But I am beginning to wonder how I was pregnant and got along with out her here. We started a little piggy bank of sorts, for her to collect dimes and nickels for when she helps with chores that are a little bigger than the normal, picking up her toys or putting her clothes in the laundry. She informs us that when she collects enough, she will share them with us. SO sweet!
My daughter is a very determined girl, and eager to learn. When she got it in her head that she wanted to do the monkey bars, she practiced and practiced. There were tears, she fell a couple times, and she even got blisters on her little hands. But she did it! Now she can go there, and back, one bar to the next without a problem. Now her next thing is wanting to swim the width of a small pool. Why am I telling you this? Well for one, I'm so proud of her! But the other day I yelled at her for something, I don't even remember what it was, and after I did that was one of the few times I felt God stop me and speak to me. "She is still a child."
Oh man. I'm tearing up again. How could I have been so foolish?! She can be so independent, helpful, and smart, that somewhere along the way I started having these odd, adult like, expectations of her. K is only FOUR. THREE years ago she was just barely walking. This is me being honest here. I am not proud of this. It was like I was expecting her to act like an adult. Not all the time, but this is definitely something I need to work on. She is still a child..., the fact that God had to stop me like that shows me how crazy I was getting. Tonight before bedtime, I asked Nathaniel to give her a quick shower and he looked up and was like, "Can't she do that by herself by now?" So you see, I'm not the only one. She really seems mature beyond her years sometimes. Dude, she's four! Although to be honest, she needs very little supervision for that task now!
This morning I took time to cuddle with her. Walking home from church and the pool, we stopped for an ice cream at McDonalds and her stomach doesn't handle dairy very well. Our double stroller's wheels broke so we have been using the single one again. Which means she was walking home. She started crying about her tummy hurting. Now I'm just being honest, we have a big drama queen for a daughter. So sometimes it's a little hard to know when she is genuine, and when it is just an exaggeration. "She is still a child."
We carried her until her stomach was settled enough that she could walk.
Tonight I was puzzling over what I could from learn from this on a spiritual level. Obviously as a mom, I have a LOT to learn. But I wanted to know how I could apply this to my walk with God. What was He trying to tell me? These verses came to me:
Matthew 18:2-4 (NLT)
Jesus called a little child to him and put the child among them. Then he said, "I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven. So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven."
The second part of that passage is also very convicting but I will stick with this part. Even after this came to my mind I was still a little confused. Then It came to me that the way I was treating K, was how I had come to treat myself when it comes to my relationship with God. Let's see if I can explain this. I had started telling myself that I needed to toughen up. Life can be hard, things are going to happen, and I just need to deal with stuff. Work harder, do more, (but it's never enough), be a better person... and that would be fine. But I was not even asking for help from God. As if I had taken on the crazy belief that I was old enough now that I should be able to just deal with these things with out always having to run to God. What a quick way to make yourself tired, and worn out.
We are God's children! As a parent I can for sure say that I always want K and G and Baby Bean #3 to be able to come to me, asking for advice, or needing emotional support, or whatever. I don't want that to stop when they are 'old enough'. There is no age limit for needing your parent. Maybe it might be something trivial, but I would still be so glad that they trusted me enough to come to me.
God wants that with us. Think back to when you were a child and would run to your parents first thing. You didn't feel silly, you just knew that being by your mom or dad would help somehow to make you feel better. Oh how I feel for those kids that don't know that kind of comfort. My heart aches for them... I want them all to know that they can have that comfort, in God. The same way I did as a child, I need to do now. God should be the FIRST one I run to when I am feeling overwhelmed, upset, mad, alone, or whatever. My Father God is always waiting with his arms wide open, ready to hold me and give me peace. I need to stop trying to be so 'grown up' and learn that it will be lot lighter of a load to carry if I allow God to carry it.
Just observing these little people that God has trusted me to take care of, I am learning so much about him and his character. We need to never stop learning and seeking the truth. The same as K asks me almost every day to do school with her, (even weekends!), I need to be seeking God out on a daily basis ready to learn something. It's easier to blog about than to actually put it into practice. But I'm a work in progress. :)

Folding Laundry