"If Only You Could See Them Through My Eyes..."

It is Mother's Day weekend. Hence the onslaught of posts by mothers, to mothers, and about mothers. Why you ask? Because this is an important day. This day brings so many emotions. I run through them all.
Heart Bursting Love.... for my kids, and for my mom.
Guilt... for not being a better mom, or daughter, or granddaughter.
Excitement... thinking ahead to what will come as my kids get older.
Fear... thinking ahead to what will come as my kids get older! Haha. But for real though.
Amazement.... at the little blessings God entrusted to me.
Grief... when I think of the my grandmothers who are both gone, and those who's moms are no longer with them.

All these emotions, I need to process. I always find myself contemplating deeply around Mother's Day. I often find that guilt rides quickly on the heels of the crazy love I feel for my kids and reminds me of ALL my shortcomings as a mother, It starts listing all of my "mom fails". And that could go on forever because after just one week that list is quite lengthy.
I saw a giveaway on instagram and to enter you had to answer the question: What do you want to do on Mother's Day?
So I paused and thought about it. My first thought was, to be alone. No one touching me, asking me questions.... But then I thought, no. That would be nice for like an hour. Maybe two. But what I really want is to go somewhere that the kids love to be. Where they will be happy and I can sit there and watch them be happy and just soak in that Heart bursting love for them and let it refresh my spirit. Because that comes from God. I believe that's how He feels about us. The guilt will have to stay silent,because if I tell him to, the Devil has to FLEE from me in Jesus' name.
My conscience, that still small voice that comes from the Holy Spirit is a good thing. It helps me to see my faults, but in a gentle and loving way that brings correction.
Guilt, beats you over the head with a hammer relentlessly until you feel like nothing about you is good enough. That my friends, is not healthy, and is not from God. Please know the difference. I am speaking this to myself as well.
I was praying this morning. Because I needed to, since the the Holy Spirit had to get a little less gentle with me today until I listened. I asked God, "Why do I get SO frustrated with my kids so easily?!"
"If only you could see them through My eyes..."
Ahhh, I saw those words scroll through my brain. Yes. I allow my tiredness, my headache, my dirty house, my SELF, to fog the lenses through which I see my children. Oh that cleared my vision so quickly.
Kaleigh - Eager to please, serving, smart, beautiful, strong moral compass, creative, perseverent,  expressive, sensetive, made for something great....
Gideon - Strong, perfectionist, goofy, loving, adventurous, thoughtful, compassionate, protector, led by God
Alinah - Peaceful, joyful, observant, leader, light of life, listener of God's voice

When I see them through His eyes, my perspective can change. Prayer, and quiet time will be my windshield wipers to clear off the junk that I let get in the way of how I see them. It will help me to know how to build their strengths and to love them the way God loves them.
This is my plan. Will I fail? Yeah probably. But the beauty of this is that God knows my heart and is quick to forgive and to help.
So this Mother's day, I encourage you to see your kids as God sees them. Ask Him to tell you about your kids and their hearts. Write it down. Let that LOVE that He gave you for your children that makes your heart feel like its going to explode, and makes you feel like laughing and crying all at the same time, refresh you and give you that motivation to keep going! You are important, you are needed, and you are so loved.
Happy Mother's Day <3

Bragging a Bit

re·source·ful

rəˈsôrsfəl/

adjective

1. having the ability to find quick and clever ways to overcome difficulties.

Do you know anyone like this? I do. I'm married to him! 

Did I mention that we bought a car a few weeks ago? No? Oh, well we did. It's a four door Kia Rio and the kids are tightly squeezed into the back. Or cozy, as we like to say. But it's a billion times better than pushing a double stroller for miles in the hot sun while your five year old (She just turned five!!) struts along beside us trying to keep up. 

We didn't go super far, and don't worry, we didn't walk too fast for Kaleigh.

But a car is better. And such a blessing! Now when you buy a car that is a little older, things tend to happen. Like parts breaking. And of course about two days after we bought our blue blessing (That's what I have just decided to name it, because it is blue and I am so grateful and blessed to have a car), the car stopped working properly. It would go.... but it wasn't running well and would die as soon as we put it in park. I was so bummed. Food is expensive here, about one and a half times the national average. Housing is two times the national average...so I'm sure you can imagine how much it would be to get a car fixed. 

Knowing we didn't have the money to go get the car fixed, my RESOURCEFUL and very smart husband started to do some research. YouTube and Google, and he was able to figure out what part was the problem! The valve that controls how much air goes into the throttle, was broken. Now, Nathaniel has never really been one to work on cars. This is not really his thing. I will admit that I was a tad nervous as he started to take things apart and work under the hood. 

I had no need to be nervous. It is fixed! He did it! The new part is installed and the car runs much smoother than it did before. I'm so proud of him for sticking with it and trying it even though, it was not something he was very comfortable with. It was just so awesome how it all worked out too, because we ordered the part online (saving us another $50 since it was much more expensive here. All together he ended up saving us a few hundred dollars.), and it came JUST in time so Nathaniel could fix the car and we could take the kids last weekend to a place where you can see dolphins swim. We had told them we would take them to celebrate their birthdays. I'm so glad we don't have to wait until the next weekend. It's the little things. Thanks God! 

So I just wanted to put that out there. Even if you aren't sure about how to do something, and maybe you are nervous about it, you can still TRY. It's inspiring to me and I hope inspiring to you. And I thought, I could just brag about my husband for a little bit :D. 

Making this House a Home

"Mommy, where is my home?"

A while back, while visiting a friend, Kaleigh asked them, "Is this your home?"

"Yes it is!" My friend replied. "Where is your home?"

My daughter's eyes glossed over with confusion, and she looked at me. "Mommy, where is my home?"

My heart hurt a little to hear her ask this. I know it's confusing. We have moved every six months for the past two years. 

"Home is wherever your family is. So right now, our home is with your Grandma and Grandpa Wells!" She seemed satisfied with this answer and went on to play with her little friends. 

Home is where your family is. Wherever God has called you to be. But part of my job as mom and wife is to make wherever we are, feel like home. I have little roll up beds for the kids that my friend from church made, we take those everywhere so they have the same bed anywhere we are. Certain toys we bring with, to help it feel more like home. It's the little things. 

I should have taken a before picture of our apartment, with our suitcases and things in piles and disarray . But that would have truly been embarrassing. Instead I took pictures four days later after I finally got all the suitcases unpacked and things tidied up. Ha! That only took me forever! By now the jet lag is starting to wear off and Gideon actually slept through the night. (Praise the Lord, Hallelujah!). We have had one staff meeting in preparation for the school beginning this week. Wednesday Nathaniel will go to look at a van, and we are settling in. This studio apartment with a loft is beginning to feel like home and it's wonderful. Who knows how long we will be here since we are keeping our eye open for places to rent off campus, just in case. But for now, we are happy and content, and ready to make the trek down the hill to the beach. Alinah's first time! 

For a girl who lived in the same home with her family for about 10 years, it was an adjustment to move around so much. We adapt and change and I'm learning how to do this quickly and in every circumstance. 

Here is quick tour of our apartment :). 

My reminder to myself after a long four days of being jet-legged and much to short with my poor family!! 

So Much Grace

On the morning of the 30th, right before we caught our bus to O'Hare, little Alinah coughed so much she puked. In her car seat. This is how our travel day started. Awesome. 

The poor baby had caught the cough that her siblings have and on top of the runny nose she already had, it was making her miserable. For the last couple days I had been praying and praying that the kids would get better for the trip and that it would all go well. I knew the first two flights I would be alone with the girls until we met up with Nathaniel in SFO. (Things got a little mixed up when we changed flights). 

The kids didn't get better. And Alinah seemed to be getting worse. I was starting to be terrified of how the trip would go. I prayed and prayed. I felt God tell me to put it all in His hands and so I did. Over and over because I kept picking up on worrying again. 

'Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its self'. 

I still did. But I tried really hard not to! Just being honest. So the morning puke session added to my worry. (She had also done the same thing the night before). Every time Alinah would start to cough I'd grab a blanket hoping that if she threw up I could catch it. She made it through most of the trip until the very last part of our last plane ride. But on that flight they actually had those little blankets for free on the plane, and I was able to catch the majority of it in that and just toss it.  

Back to the beginning...After we got through security and I was internally panicked thinking I should throw the double stroller in the trash while I still had the chance, things started looking up. Our flight was booked, except for the one seat between Kaleigh and I. You want to see a picture of grace? Here it is. 

Oh thank you Jesus for an older daughter who travels like a pro and is super helpful. Also thank you for that extra seat! It helped me to settle down. Ok God, you weren't joking. You've got this. Oh also the people God sent to help me with our stroller! Thank you, thank you! What would I have done? I thought I could handle it and He knew I couldn't so he sent dads and flight attendants and luggage crew workers. SO MUCH GRACE. Meeting back with Nathaniel was such a relief. Their flight went well, and Gideon came hopping out of the gate. One last flight. And you know what? You guessed it. MORE grace. We had two extra seats. I was praying and hoping for a miraculous healing, but instead God gave us the grace to glide through the trip and come out on top. God doesn't always answer the way we are hoping but He won't leave you alone either. 

When we shared with a couple of churches I said that a good prayer support team is essential to any ministry. I could feel those prayers helping us through. Thank you so much for praying. The kids are still coughing but I think we are near the end of this thing. It is such a great feeling when you finally arrive where you feel God has called you. 

Road Trippin'

Knowing a road trip was ahead of us, I have to say I was nervous. Especially with a four and a half month old baby along for the ride. During our trip I knew for sure people where praying because the kids did so well on our 15 hour drive up to Wisconsin! We were packed in like sardines, but we had zero car problems, and the kids were content for most of the trip. Made it to Wisconsin in record time, with one stop in Ohio where we got to spend a little time with my sister. It was beautiful to drive through the Blue ridge Mountains as the sun was coming up. This picture does not really capture the gorgeous sunrise, but at least I tried! God is a great artist for sure. 

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This is how Gideon kept himself occupied during the trip:

He 'shot' everything from Ohio to Wisconsin and I'm sorry to say they probably have no trees left and many cows and horses were 'injured' along the way. Such a funny kid. 

We arrived in Beloit, WI on Friday. Then on Saturday we went up to Wisconsin Rapids (Another 2 1/2 hour drive which felt like nothing after the last trip) to stay with Nathaniel's Aunt and Uncle and speak at their church the following morning. 

Pastor Milt at Baker Street Community Church was so kind to let us come and share with them what we will be doing in Hawaii. We had a great time there and we are now back in Beloit, resting from all the driving! 

Thank you again for all the prayers!

A Silent Freight Train

Do you ever have phases where every time you look at the calendar you do a double take? What?! How is February already ending? Where did the time go? Just one year ago we were surprised by finding out we were having a baby. Now I'm holding a four month old in my arms. My oldest daughter will be five at the end of April and my son will be three next month. 

Time is a like a sneaky, silent freight train. 

You can feel it passing but it's just like wind on your face and you don't realize until you look up that the cars are flying past you and there is nothing you can do to stop it. So much happens in such a small amount of time. 

We are still in the midst of this change. At times I get overwhelmed and I have to pile it all back at God's feet and lift up my hands in surrender. 

I will be the first to admit that trust doesn't come easily to me. And why? Has God ever let me down? No. All I know is that whenever I doubt, and worry, instead of patronizing me He always comforts me. Reassures me. 

We are working on support raising as we get ready to go back on the mission field and as I see the stark difference in the $2200 a month we will need in Hawaii with our three children and the small amount we needed back when it was just the two of us in Panama, my first reaction is fear. I'm just being honest. 

Then I get those gentle reminders from God that HE is in control. And as much as I like to have things under control,it is a huge weight off my shoulders to put it in His capable hands. His will be done. Not mine. Tonight this verse was one of His loving reminders to me. 

19 See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. (Isaiah 43:19 NIV)

Yes. I DO perceive it. And I know he will make a way. No, I do not consider North Carolina a wasteland! Ha. But yes the constant moving around these last two years has been wearing. I am so ready be in one place for a while. In all this I am so grateful for the streams in the wilderness.  The friends we have made, the experiences we've had, our family. 

As time goes chugging silently by, I'll try to admire each moment, each train car, and remember it. And be thankful for it. Not worrying. But living. 

Salt and Light

Seasons change, life changes, people change... We have gone through so many changes this last year, and as 2016 starts, we find ourselves rolling with the tides of change once again. On March 8^th we will be hopping another plane, headed back to the University of the Nations in Kona Hawaii! I prayed for favor when looking for our plane tickets, and God did even better than just giving us a good price for tickets (we found a great price!), but we also found out that our miles covered two tickets! So blessed and thankful. Last time when we flew to HI it was with two little kids in tow. This time, we have three!

In September of 2015 Nathaniel finished the film school and internship at the U of N, and when we return we will both be staff with this school. I have no experience working with film but I can help in the areas of mentoring or administration. As we have described the vision of being in the film industry, and working with people who are in that field and do not yet know who Jesus is, the word that we are called to be Salt to the Earth and Light to the World is brought up over and over. This is what the School of Digital Film making is all about. Teaching people how to be good at what they do, but also how to be in that industry, making a positive influence on those they work with. Also how to make good quality films that reflect Godly values. Being staff, Nathaniel will get the chance to gain even more experience working in film and of course help the students as well. Our plan is to be there a year and from there, who knows!? Psalms 119:105 'Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.' If you think about it, a lamp doesn't shine very far ahead, but it shows you your next steps, and that is just what we need. Because when we know God is guiding our steps, then we know we will end up in the right place. Our journey is never boring and sometimes challenging, but it's exciting to be traveling in the will of God.

Here is where I ask for prayer. Please pray for our trip back. This is about 18 hours of traveling and will be Alinah's first time flying so... lots of prayer is needed! Also prayer for grace as we transition once again. We will miss being with my mom and dad and closer to family. The kids especially will have to adjust again to the different time zone and living quarters and that can be rough. Nathaniel will need to find a job on top of everything, and we will be looking for a car and eventually an apartment off campus. Another prayer request we have is for more monthly supporters. The more financial support we have, the more Nathaniel will be able to focus full time on the ministry and developing new projects.

We have been so grateful for the support and love we have received during this time we have spent back on the mainland. It has been such a good time for us to adjust to being a family of five and for our kids to get to know my parents better. It was also really special to be able to have our baby here, with my mom delivering. As hard as it is to leave, we are really excited about getting back into the ministry, and settling into our new routine. It's always a new adventure and we love to take you guys with us though the journey. It's always amazing to see what God is going to do next and such a privilege to be able to be a part of it! I pray that in this new year you will see God's blessings each day. Each day is a new start and His mercies are new every morning!

Blessings from the Tracy Family!

Nathaniel, Elizabeth, Kaleigh, Gideon, and Alinah

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